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Marriage brake down. I have a 6 week old ds and I'm scared.

15 replies

2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 23:33

H left me when I was 35 weeks pg. tried to make it work, it's not. I'm at my mums.
He made me do a separation agreement when he first left but it wasn't official and there are some points that I want to know if I can legally get in writing, he agrees to them now but in worried that with time he will change his mind.
I want to take ds to my home town 3 hours away to live as I have no one here. H agrees now as its the best for ds and I. Can I get this in writing?
Can I change ds and my surnames to be my maiden name? I don't think I can afford a divorce yet (how much do they cost. We have no property or assets to divide?) and want him to have my family name since we have been here and my family helping to raise him,
What do i do? I'm going to need to go into the benefit system I think? I feel sick. Where do I start and how do I ensure in not screwed over.

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 20/06/2012 06:12

Oh, you poor love.

Some stuff you can do, some you can't.

You can take your child to live anywhere within England and Wales if you're here already.

You can't change your child's name without your ex's consent because he has parental responsibility. You need him to sign a letter agreeing to the change of name, and if he won't then you could make an application to the court but to be honest it probably isn't worth the bother at this stage.

You will be entitled to some benefits and I suggest that you go on the website EntitledTo.com.

So far as the separation agreement is concerned, it may be overturned by the court as invalid if one or both of you didn't take legal advice and didn't provide formal documentation of your assets, however as you're saying that you have no assets to divide, I'm assuming that the sep. agreement only covered care of your baby, and child maintenance? Essentially, neither of you are really going to be bound by a document you've drafted between you without legal advice. This may or may not be a good thing depending on what it covers. If it's just child care stuff, tbh, I wouldn't fret too much about whether it's binding, firstly because a lot is likley to change over the next 18 years and secondly because the court always has jurisdiction to make whatever order is in the child's best interests if there's a dispute, and the CSA is there for the money side if he doesn't pay his maintenance.

If your ex isn't paying regular child maintenance of 15% of his net income then you should contact the CSA.

When you're ready to think about divorce, you should firstly go to the website www.resolution.org.uk to find a local family lawyer. Tell them you want a free half hour interview. You will almost certainly be entitled to public funding if you have no assets and no income, so make sure that the firm you're going to does public funding.

Good luck.

2wwmadness · 20/06/2012 07:15

Thank you. My main thing is I want to take my son to Wales were my support network is. H agrees now but IF he changed his mind I want to know if he can stop me. The separation agreement was accsess to family, maintenance Ect. He is paying me more than the csa entitlement would be. Is it worth me protecting that?
Thank you. I will look on entitled to today. I'm gunna have to go into housing benefit. I have no money!

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mumblechum1 · 20/06/2012 07:33

I would get on with moving before he changes his mind in that case.

Once you've moved there's not much he could do about it.

MOSagain · 20/06/2012 07:54

Agree with Mumblechum. Good luck

2wwmadness · 20/06/2012 08:08

So he could stop me?!

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WaitingForMe · 20/06/2012 08:32

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but home drafted separation agreements can be very powerful things. My ex decided he didn't want a divorce and refused to acknowledge papers. Using the separation agreement and some emails I successfully divorced him against his wishes.

If you aren't happy with what you've signed you need to seek advice now. If it's amicable divorces don't cost much.

2wwmadness · 20/06/2012 09:56

No the separation deal went in my favour. I would be happy if that was what happened. It's if it doesn't stand then there's a problem

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2wwmadness · 20/06/2012 09:58

I keep telling myself it won't come to this. He won't screw me over and we can work through this but I've read bough to know to be prepared for the worst. These things can turn ugly quickly can't they

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prh47bridge · 20/06/2012 10:31

He could apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to stop you moving to Wales. His chances of success are low but they are granted sometimes. I therefore agree with Mumblechum and MOSagain that you should move as soon as possible.

babybarrister · 20/06/2012 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoingItForMyself · 20/06/2012 12:32

2WW, I'm in a similar position with STBXH, I want to trust that he will do the right thing, but every bone in my body is screaming "he has let you down over the last 13 years, what's changed!?"

For the sake of keeping things amicable I think you need to keep talking to him, rather than getting solicitors involved if you honestly think he wants the best for you and DS. You know him best and unfortunately some posters on MN have been through some awful things at the hands of their not-so-D-Hs and their advice is always to be cautious, cover your back etc. This can really inflame the situation if your H is currently being amenable.

I think the name thing is not a priority so I would leave that until things settle down. H could see that as a big kick in the teeth and feel that not only are you taking DS away, you are effectively taking away his right to be known as DS's dad too.

Have you thought about Family Mediation, to put things on an official footing without making it adversary?

I know how scary it is having to start from scratch, I'm only just starting too, but just remind yourself that plenty of strong independent women do this every day. Some of them even meet lovely new partners when they're ready!

Its such early days with DS, your head and heart must be all over the place. Be kind to yourself, be firm with H and get all the advice you can, but remember that you are the one in charge of this so only do what you are comfortable with. Good luck. x

mumblechum1 · 20/06/2012 13:22

BB, I think you're right if the dad decided to object before she moves, but once she has moved, I don't think the court would entertain an appln for return, so the OP really needs to get moved as a priority and worry about all the other stuff later on.

MOSagain · 20/06/2012 15:54

babybarrister seriously, a 3 day trial? Shock That is an awful lot of petrol money they are arguing about!

babybarrister · 20/06/2012 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2wwmadness · 20/06/2012 17:20

Thanks everyone. We are holding (well I am) to work things out. I'm just seeing what I need to do if this goes wrong so I can do it quickly and as pain free as possible. I have no experience of marriage breakdown and people's stories have scared me a bit. Better to be safe than sorry I guess

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