Please Help me Work Out What to Do Next.....

[asshat]

I've been separated from father of my two children for 14 months.

At the beginning of the separation we agreed that he'd find a rented property nearby and i'd take over the mortgage, with a view to potentially keeping the house long-term. Things were on the whole amicable until I met a new partner 11 months ago. Since then it's mostly been awful.

He was initially in a shared house that wasn't appropriate for the kids to stay over and with my part time job being in anti-social hours (only nights and/or weekends), it was essential he found something else... he did but in the period it took him to sort himself out- I almost lost my job due to not having him (I have no family) to take the children reliably so I could cover my shifts. I took some time off with stress, ending up with pneumonia, partly I think because of the situation. I recovered and have been back at work for a few months.

I organised some mediation to improve things and consulted a solicitor to start the divorce proceedings, trying to agree things financially... it was during mediation he admitted that he had been off work with depression and a chronic illness for so long that he was being forced onto half wage therefore my child maintenance payments were going to be halved as of that month.

I knew he'd been ill but had no idea his financial situation was so serious until that moment. Without the full child maintenance (which was only £225 per month, having already reduced from £275) I was suddenly in a position where I couldn't pay the mortgage at all....

After he left, I paid all our shared debts, the mortgage, all insurance policies so when his maintenance (via CSA by this point as there'd been a few months where getting the payments was uber stressful) was reduced finally to £112 per month for 2 kids (4 & 7), I startde seriously struggling.

Selling the house seemed like the best option so I put that into the proposed terms of the separation and my ex agreed, thinking there may be some money in it... after valuation, it seems we'll be lucky not to be in negative equity. It's pretty certain there will be debt at the other end as a result but as I can't afford to pay without suffering serious poverty, that seems the best option, Problem is it requires a level of co-operation from my ex and before putting it on the market he wants to know where I'll go after. My partner lives 90 miles away and financially, I'd be much better off living there with him... My ex is going onto disability in a few months so maintenance will reduce from £112 to an unknown amount... so low tha I can't even take it into consideration.

He also says he's too ill to take them more than 2 nights per week EVER so holidays and my work (i often work 3 nights in a row) is impossible living apart from my partner. My partner has a very secure, good job which would allow us some security and is willing to (along with me obviously) take on the financial responsibility for my 2 children.

I should mention that the condition my ex suffers from is smoking related and he continues to smoke despite not being able to afford more than £2.50 maintenance per child, per day. This is a very tough thing to handle as he's very bitter towards me despite allowing me to take most of the financial burden of raising our children... he's now demanding to know if I'm going to move away with the children before he'll cooperate with the sale.

I'm stuck between a rock and hard place and am tempted to just go for repossession then probably ultimately bankruptcy to clear the debt... All the money needed to sell the house- fees and money to do work to help sell it also is expected to come from me... I've already put hundreds of pounds into decorating it. I won't see any of it back but I feel desperate to try to lessen the debt at the end...

I've tonight emailed him to let him know there's a strong chance I'll move with the girls 90miles away and am waiting for his next move.... he's already threatened me with court and says a judge wouldn't allow me to take them that far away from him. He sees them an average 2 nights per week right now so I can work but if I moved that would be reduced obviously. I was hoping holidays he could see them for bigger chunks but he claims to be too unwell. He seems to expect me to pay everything, he pay the absolute minimum, have me close so he can see the kids as he chooses. He's also now refusing to pay anything beyong £112 per month, so if the children have a school trip for example- I should pay for that also. Snack fees at nursery- I should pay them too... the list goes on. It's like being stuck in a nightmare.

ANY ADVICE WOULD HELP.

go back to see your solicitor with a view to possibly getting an Order for sale of the property. In the meantime contact your mortgage company to see if you can only pay the interest on the mortgage for a specified time. some will allow this for 6-12 months.

you say you pay all the insurance policies? do you have one that covers you for illness? perhaps you could make a claim in respect of your ex? In respect of your shared debts go to CAB for advice. You say they are shared but you dont say if they are in joint names. if they are in sole names then the person who's name they are in is responsible regardless of what the monies were used for.

in respect of maintenance, unfortunately situations change and there is nothing you can do about it, you shouldnt rely on child maintenance to pay everyday bills.

You say you work nights, obviously this is not viable when you are a single parent with two children. you cannot expect your ex to look after them when you are at work, he is not a babysitter. Obviously he needs to see the children as its in their best interests but if he can only commit to 2 nights a week then its better than being forced into having them more and not being able to cope. this will have a negative affect on the children. also the more nights he has them the more your maintenance will be reduced!

have you thought about getting another job with more hours, perhaps during school time? are you claiming tax credits? applied for a reduction in council tax given that you are on the only adult in the house now (not sure if you will get it if house in joint names but worth a try)?

You say you are thinking of moving 90 miles to be with your partner as it you would be much better off? do you really think that is a good move? to move in with some one because you would be better off? if your husband was to make an application to court the judge would look at how long you have known this man, police checks would be carried out on him, how detrimental it would be to the children, job perspectives, the effect of school changes etc... do you think that these would all be positive ?

your ex is obviously not in a good place at the moment, just like you, although he is not making things better for himself (smoking still) and in the future he may want more contact with the children. at least he is still wanting them 2 nights a week which is more than some !!!

i am not trying to criticise you but just giving you things to think about, clearly you have a lot of issues at the moment that you need help with and may not be thinking clearly