Child Contact

[plocket]

Can I ask any lawyers out there dealing in family law what my position is? It seems so unclear, and I have had legal advice, but it made my head spin and I'm still not sure where I stand.
My ex has left. We have a 6 year old dd. He didn't have much to do with DD when we were living together, but he now is demanding his RIGHT to 50/50 access. Which is upsetting my DS and myself. DS is worried while he's at daddy's because Daddy gets very cross. Daddy has a lot of issues and my son has developed oCD behaviours since the split (FeB)and having to stay at his fathers. He is spending three nites a week with ex (ex moved in with a friend) There are lots of safety concerns I have. I want to provide a happy stable home for DD. What rights do I have? Do I HAVE to let ex have him three nites a week? We are only separated, not divorced yet. What can I do to reduce this contact.

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Your ex doesn't have a right to 50/50 residence. Your child (you seem to call him/her dd/ds so not sure!), does, however, have a right to see both parents, but that doesn't necessarily mean a shared care arrangement if it doesn't suit your child.

I would suggest that initially you try mediation. Only if that fails should you think about issuing court proceedings as they always increase animosity in the short term, take up to a year to settle and cost thousands.

Dad might be demanding his 'rights' just to wind you up...but the reality is that he is entitled to equal time, since he is an equal parent, and it's not up to you to 'let' him.

My DP has been through court to get contact agreed and it is a living nightmare, so don't go there if you can help it.

Hi yes sorry am fumbling about trying to maintain anonymity by saying DD /DS. What rights does he have? How do we determine what does suit the child, as obviously that differs greatly between the two of us. Our DD/DS has mostly been saying he only wants to go to Daddy's one day a week. He was quite adamant that three was too much. Would wail "Too much Daddy!!!" if I told her Daddy was coming to collect her again. But now he is saying he's ok at Daddy's and doesn't want me to cut down access anymore as it will make Daddy sad and then make him cross
DS has had a chat to his dad about not wanting to go so often and Daddy looked sad and that worried DS.

hungry what made it a living nightmare? Just curious as I doubt my DH would ever back down unless forced to.

Just to repeat my earlier post, it's not a matter of the dad having the rights, it's the child's rights which the court take into account

OP, will you be prepared to go to mediation?

plocket, it has taken forever...three court hearings so far (since last summer), nothing finalised, contact gradually increased and he was granted every other weekend and 50% of school hols in Feb hearing. At Easter his ex cancelled at short notice. DP filed for an enforcement order as ex still hadn't responded to multiple requests for summer hol dates. Eventually, due to court hearing, she came up with one measly week in the summer, because she is apparently 'away on family holidays' a week either side of our holiday, which we booked last autumn and she has known about since Feb. This means he won't see his DD for six weeks.

Enforcement hearing adjourned to be heard alongside next contact hearing in Sept. Cost so far to DP: £6000. Cost to his ex: nil.

Emotional cost: immeasurable.

Well we are doing a mediation of sorts; we are seeing a couples counsellor for two hours every fortnight to iron this stuff out. It makes matters difficult because my husband is on the autistic spectrum, so getting him to see another person's point of view (whether it be mine or our DD's) is incredible difficult. If not impossible.
If the child has the right, not the parent, what happens if the child wants less contact?

Why doesn't his ex have to pay?!

Couples counselling is not the sort of mediation you need. You need mediation by a divorce lawyer tbh. Lots of them do mediation now. Couples counselling is more therapy based.

Ultimately, if mediation doesn't work, you go to court, a cafcass officer makes a recommendation as to what is in th child's best interests and the court normally follows the cafcass officer's recommondation.

Ex doesn't pay because she represents herself in court, DP has a barrister.

Ex doesn't have a solicitor, DP does.

Ex is the respondent, DP is the petitioner, so DP pays all the court fees.

Ex uses DP's solicitor for all communication, so every letter/email she sends his solicitor costs DP ££. Every letter, phone call, and email from DP to his solicitor costs DP ££.

Ex cannot communicate with DP directly because he has had to get the police involved as his ex was harassing him, me, my kids and (somehow, no idea how she even found him) my exH.

I worry that the mediators won't have experience of Aspergers Syndrome, and the couples counsellor does. We are specifically there to iron out probs with the separation agreement we wrote up together and issues with our DD and with money issues. We have been to counsellors, albeit not mediators, in the past with no experience of Aspergers and it doesn't work as they cannot comprehend how DH physically just can't see another's point of view, how he just does not have any empathy , can only see things from his side. So pretty impossible to negotiate with. It's tough when your negotiating, but the mediator is assuming both parties are NOT neurologically impaired, and one of the parties is.

Will be back on later. All advise gratefully received!!

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Family court is truly hell. I have had six years and over thirty court hearings as I have a RO for my GS1. The stress has been unbearable and I have had dark moments when I wanted to be free and dreamt of walking away. Our social worker told me "you can't let it destroy you", she was right, but it was hard.

Court put aside the father's violence, but it continues unabated and he has now been found guilty of GBH, fracturing aninnocent man's skull. His family's counsel destroyed my character; they have now done the same to the two completely blameless men he has assaulted in the past twelve months.

CAFCASS said that he would not offend again as it was "only youthful indiscretion". If they had looked at his past record in detail, which they did not, they would have discovered his assault on a child. He is now 30.

He will get contact as "it is the right of the child." This current belief, which is entrenched within the family court system, allows for a child to be placed unsupervised with an unpredictable, violent man or indeed woman. The NSPCC have recently raised the same concerns and balance is vital.

At the last hearing the Judge said I was absolutely right about his violence, that he had attacked people for the past fourteen years, but my GS has a right to a relationship with his father. Many on here will agree, but others may share my doubts.

Oh God Elsie that is terrifying. What hope do I have if they viewed your GS's Dad like that. It's disgusting

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Does that mean you are in Scotland if you are trying to iron out problems in the separation agreement relating to children? In Scotland Relationships Scotland (merger of Relate and Family Mediation) provide both counselling and mediation to separating parents. The idea is to improve communication. There is no CAFCASS in Scotland and sheriffs often refer parents to Relationships Scotland during court proceedings.

Nope we're in London

I'm not a solicitor but there is a big difference between arguing for no contact and arguing to reduce contact when there is independent evidence children are suffering harm because the arrangement doesn't suit them. With no contact any risk of harm children suffer has to weighed against the harm they suffer if they lose a relationship with one natural parent altogether.

In England & Wales both parents have Parental Responsibility which means they have equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. It doesn't mean there is an automatic right to any proportion of the children's care. If parents cannot agree a court makes a decision and the welfare of children is paramount and almost always some contact with a natural parent is deemed in children's interests even if that parent's behaviour leaves much to be desired by most people's standards.

You must do what you think is right for you DC. If your H disagrees you try and resolve it by agreement initially, but if that doesn't work you may have no alternative to court. You've had some good advice from mumblechum and STIDW.