How to find out about a parent's death and burial place?

[SofaKing]

My dh was a child carer for his mother, who had ms, from the age of five until he was fifteen. His dad left when he was five, but got back in touch and my dh moved in with him and step mum at fifteen, as he could no longer cope with his mum's health - she had had him arrested as he came home one day and she didn't know who he was and called the police.

Dh did not maintain contact with his mum as she so seldom knew who he was and it was upsetting for both of them. His grandmother and aunt took over her care, and had contact details for dh's parents.

We have discovered that dh's mum died in 2004, and he was not informed. We do not even know where she is buried so he cannot say goodbye.

I cannot understand how it was possible for his family to process her death without informing him, and I'd be grateful if anyone could advise how we could find out where she is buried, how she died, etc. We are in Scotland and this happened on Bedfordshire so very difficult for us to check local records unless online.

I'd be very grateful if anyone could help us - thanks.

We had something similar happen in my family and it is horribly petty for relatives to withhold that kind of information from someone's son, you're right, but it happens.

By far the best way to find out is to ask anyone still living who remembers e.g. the aunt. Otherwise there are online resources that enable you to get hold of death certificates. I've ordered a few when researching the family tree. I've used the website www.findmypast.co.uk before (subscription required) to search for birth/marriage/death certficiates. If you know the person's name and have even a rough idea about the date of death and location you can scroll through all the records until you find the right one and then order it. From that you should be able to contact funeral homes in the area and ask if they handled the ceremony. Good luck

You can submit a search for death certificates via the Office for National Statistics. There's a form to fill in with info such as name, date of birth etc and I think they will search over a 3 year period, so if you put that she died in 2004 then they will search the records from 2003 to 2005. I don't know if it costs more to get the certificate from findmypast, but check the cost with the ONS first just in case it's cheaper to get it from them direct.

I don't know how you find out where someone is buried, sorry, but if you can get a copy of the death certificate it might help you (e.g. it will state the deceased's last address, so if it's a nursing home you can call them and ask for this info - there is no data protection once someone is dead so no reason for them not to tell you where she is buried I don't think). Get the death certificate and take it from there.

OP you might hit lucky on www.findagrave.com/

Thanks everyone.
Cogito I don't know the aunt's address details so couldn't ask her - I don't suppose she would be willing to tell us anyway as she didn't inform us of her sister's death.

I will check all these out online, I would just really like for dh to have closure as his relationship with his mum was very difficult as she had Ms from when he was small, and it affected her personality and he had a dreadful childhood. Life is good now but I feel his early experiences have affected him and if he could come to terms with them he would be happier.

It's the General Record Office who deal with certificates. You can order them online, and it will be much, much cheaper than using Find My Past, Ancestry etc.

I was estranged from my biological father. Last March I decided to try and find him for one of my half brothers. I found his last known area via 192.com. I phoned the registry office of the town he was last living in and asked if they had a record of his death. I had to give his full name, his date of birth, which is all I had, though I knew he had got married again and knew his wifes name. She then asked me if I knew what his wifes name was, and I told her, which must have been that I needed to say who registered the death. She was then able to tell me that he had died, and gave me a reference number to get a death certificate. She was not allowed to tell me the date of his death.

I then phoned the department of the council where he died that is in charge of registering burials and cremations. They told me that he hadn't been buried but he had been cremated, and were able to give me the date of his death, and the name of the funeral home.

I then phoned the funeral home. They offered to pass my details on to his widow. They must have sent the letter out straight away, the next morning, less than 24 hours after I made the first phonecall I received a call from his widow.

None of this was available online as his death had been too recent. But it is possible to find out these things.

I would start with phoning the registry office where she was last known to be living.

Forgot to mention, I didn't know he had died, I just thought that before I tried to find him it would be worth making sure he was still alive.

I still feel so bad for the woman who I spoke to at the records office who had to tell me my father had died.