Mediation request. What happens if I decline?

[PiousPrat]

I'll keep the back story as brief as possible.

Split up from exP 8 years ago. We have DS1 and 2 together who are now 11 and 12. I now live with DP and we have Ds3 together. Ex lives with his wife and their 4 daughters. We live 400 miles apart, I left the town he moved us to (his home town) after years of EA and DV to return to my home town for a support network and also to escape him and his friends, one of whom has a record for assaulting me when she knocked my tooth out. In the last 8 years, ExP has seen the boys 7 times and sent solicitors letters demanding more contact 4 times now. Right from the start I offered him fortnightly contact if he travelled to us so as to not disrupt the boys so much, and offering to travel to a mid point once or twice a year. I also suggested weekly phone contact, which for the last 2 years XP has mostly kept up, certainly 3 weeks out of 4 anyway and sometimes he even gives notice that he won't be ringing.

XP isn't supposed to know our exact address due to issues in the past which are recorded with the police. I recently moved to a new area and agreed to let him know roughly where we were (ie in Gateshead, but not which borough or the street name). He has a secure address (my Mum's) which all correspondence is meant to go through. This week I had a letter arrive at my home from a mediation service where he lives in Wales on his behalf, requesting mediation. The mediation provider say his solicitor provided my address in the referral. His solicitor says he gave it to them. He claims the courts gave it to him, although I haven't had any correspondence from the courts either at home or at my mums. I assume the mediation request is the first step in another threat of court.

Now obviously we can't do mediation whilst being 400 miles apart (despite XP saying we can do it over the phone from respective mediation centres ) and there is no way I can afford to travel down to Wales and pay out for accommodation and then the mediation fees on top, which as my DP is working would be around £150 a session. XP doesn't work so gets legal aid and wouldn't pay mediation fees. His mediation service suggested that I retain a mediation provider up here and send him the same letter he sent me, putting the ball back in his court as it were. That way the onus is on him to travel for mediation and then he could have contact at the same time, or for him to decline mediation but it would at least cost me £80 to get the FM1 form for the court to say that he is refusing mediation and I need to know if it would be worth it for what is essentially point scoring.

So, to the point at last. How rigid are the courts about attempts at mediation? Will they accept that distance makes it impractical and not be too concerned about who refused and who applied? Would my refusing put me in a bad light and get me off to a bad start if it ever did make it to court? Will i automatically be seen as a contact blocking bitch if i refuse mediation, or a conniving game player if I counter his mediation request with one of my own?

If anyone knows how likely it is that XP could be informed of my address by the courts without my ever hearing about it, it would also set my mind at ease a bit too.

Apologies for length and thanks if anyone has any ideas or suggestions.

Don't worry. You are exempt if you live that far apart. I'm not in the office so can't tell you what the mediation form says but will see if I can find it on the internet.

Re. your address being provided by his solicitors via the courts; that is not supposed to happen. You should write to the court explaining what's happened and ask them to write to his solicitors requesting an undertaking not to disclose it to their client. You could also do this direct but I think it would have more clout if it came from the court, given that it is already on their records that your address is not to be divulged. I'm surprised the court provided it to his solicitors at all in the circs.

Personally I think they have acted in an unprofessional manner; they could have requested that the court notify the mediation service direct.

Thanks mumblechum1. His solicitor (who doesn't seem to understand client confidentiality from all she told me over the phone) said that XP had provided them with my address several weeks ago, they had no records of him using their services to obtain it. XP phoned for the usual contact call the day after the letter arrived and I asked him where he got my address. He said he got it from the courts because "he has a legal right to know the exact address his kids are living at". So if I am to believe him, which tbh I don't completely, he has form for saying whatever he thinks will wind me up most and not necessarily what is true, he applied to the court off his own back, without any legal help and the court just gave him my address.

There isn't a court order saying he can't have my address, but it is noted in all the solicitors correspondence that due to him abducting the youngest child (police records on that) and a history of DV, he was not to have it nor would contact take place at my home, to keep it as a safe place for me and the children. I would have thought though that even if the courts had allowed him to have my address, with there being no legal paperwork preventing it, that I would at least have had some sort of notification even if they didn't actually ask me for my address.

He doesn't have PR as we weren't married and the boys were born before 2003 so as far as I know, right now he doesn't really have any rights at all wrt the boys. He has the potential to have rights, in that he can apply for a contact order, apply for PR and the like, but he doesn't have any automatic rights that I am breeching in any way.

Good news that I should be exempt on distance grounds though, thanks :) the FM1 form I found online just seemed to have a box for mediation declined and another for declined on grounds of DV within the last 12 months, so there doesn't seem to be any distinction between me just flat out refusing mediation and it being impossible to actually do mediation which is why I was wondering how a refusal on my part would be viewed by the court.

Sorry to bump this, but I am not having much luck getting a clear answer from the court, I keep getting bounced between family and civil

If he did get my address from the court, would it be the family court in the district the children are resident in or could he have done it by applying to his local court?

Is it normal for the court to give a NRP without PR the address of his children without notifying them or their mother, let alone seeking permission, just because there isn't a non-contact order in place?

The court I am sure would not have given your address out. It's actually quite easy to find out where people live these days. Perhaps that's what he did.

The geographical issue re mediation is more relevant when you want legal aid without having tried mediation first.

Courts at the moment aren't insisting on mediation, but I heard this week that the figures for the % of cases that have tried mediation first (ie court papers lodged with form FM1) are terribly low, and the judges are going to be instructed to come down hard now and send cases off to mediation. In your case it will be at a centre local to you.

It really isn't easy to find me though, I have taken great pains to ensure that. None of the household bills are in my name, my mobile bill is still registered at my Mum's, I am not on the electoral roll (moved last year and clear forgot to register, but it adds an extra layer of invisibleness) so the only places who can connect me with my address are the council for council tax, the benefits agency for CTC and the kid's schools.

I won't qualify for legal aid as DP works, so that isn't a concern. I am more worried that it would be seen as my being obstructive and put me in a bad light to start with by the court.

Mediation being in my area would be a bonus though, so it is great to have confirmation that I won't have to bankrupt the family just to travel for it, thanks :)

if the dv is recorded you could be exempt from mediation anyway