Starting Divorce Process but H doesn't want to appoint a solicitor

[LittleHouseofCamelias]

I left my H 18 months ago and am planning to divorce him after 2 years separation. We were together more than 25 years, have a valuable family home, savings and big pensions. He stayed in the house with our adult DC.

I have taken legal advice from a solicitor specialising in Collaborative Law and mediation. He recognised that my H is abusive and angry and manipulates me. He says H is not a suitable candidate for Mediation and recommends I let him deal with H for me as he will get me a better deal. He sent a gentle letter advising H to appoint a solicitor to represent him.

H is not happy. He feels we should be able to sort everything out between us (ie he says what he wants and I agree) then have it rubber stamped by a lawyer. He resents having to pay.

What do I do? I am scared of making him angry, but that just shows how hopeless I would be as a negotiator! Should I just tell him I refuse to discuss anything? Can he talk direct to my solicitor?

I know I am doing the right thing letting the Sol act for me, my fear and anxiety over this is enough to confirm it.

Any thoughts expert ones??

Why are you scared of him?? Dont let him continue to make you doubt your self. continue on you have a good legal advise system for you in place if he is stupid enough not to seek similar representation then that is his problem and not yours.

He is trying to control you DONT LET HIM. move on with the proceedings and get him out of your life

You are doing right to leave it to your solicitor. Decisions are going to be made in the next few months that will shape the rest of your life.

If he gets angry and you feel threatened you should speak to your solicitor straight away and consider applying for an injunction.

It's up to him whether or not he wants a solicitor

needs when you have spent 28 years with someone and can anticipate their thoughts and actions it is easy to become scared when they have bullying tendencies.

I know that my leaving him and my having the temerity to start the divorce is making him aggrieved. He is hurt and angry and is quite a controlling person. I don't mean physical violence but blaming me, victim mentality and trying to persuade me to act how he wishes "for the sake of the children" out of Fear Obligation and Guilt.

He already sees himself as the "wronged wife" abandoned by me struggling to keep the house together and hold down a job with only a housekeeper a gardener and three adult children to help out.

This will add fuel to the fire.

collab thanks - I take it the solicitor will keep writing to him until he responds in some way?

He doesn't need to appoint a solicitor, but that doesn't mean that you can't put all your communication with him via your solicitor.

He and your solicitor can decide what would be a fair apportionment, and if your solicitor doesn't think it fair, then your solicitor can make a case in the Divorce courts for a fair solution. Again, your husband is free to represent himself (though many would think him foolish to do so).

If you can come to an agreement then the Courts encourage people to do it without recourse to a solicitor if at all possible.

It's pretty much standard for a solicitor to recommend to the other party that they seek legal advice. I've never been sure if it's sensible advice or a work creation scheme. Anyway, it's entirely up to him if he chooses to appoint a solicitor and given how much they cost I can see why he might choose not to. As worldgonecrazy says, he and your solicitor can negotiate and if either party isn't happy they can apply to the courts.

My solicitor has a record of agreement without court action in 95 percent of cases. I guess it depends how pigheaded determined H is to get his way as to how long/how much etc. I am a hopeless conciliator and would give everything away (or end up sobbing) so I need the solicitor to stand up for me calmly.

I've no doubt your stbx will get a solicitor in the end (he'd be nuts not to) but thats up to him. You are totally right to let your solicitor do the negotiating on your behalf and not get personally involved with him if he intimidates you. Be prepared for months of nastiness and stress, but keep the goals you have been given as your entitlement following a long marriage in mind and don't give in.

Agree with Collaborate. Leave your solicitor to do his job and let him correspond with him. Hopefully he will instruct someone in due course. The only issue will be if he refuses to agree to a divorce on 2 years separation as previously agreed. You will then need to consider using one of the other facts, ie unreasonable behaviour.

I cannot stress enough how it helps to hand over the correspondence to your solicitor when you have a bully for a stbx. It completely takes the control away from them and the pressure off you. Just to respond to an nasty email with "please contact my solicitor, she will deal with this" is very empowering.

I've got the first financial hearing coming up soon after a long marriage too, OP and my solicitor gives me so much strength and confidence to cope. I feel we are a team and we can come to a decision pretty quickly on each matter as it crops up. It is hard, but it is do able. Keep strong!

Thanks all for your replies. I was heartened by the early responses and stood up to H explaining that I needed the solicitor to keep things calm and stop me getting upset. H was very upset/cross/hurt (delete to suit) but has accepted it is my right to pay for a solicitor. He however thinks he can save money... but my Sol has spelled out to him how important it is for him to at least get legal advice even if he represents himself so he realises what a weak position he is in

I hope we can thrash out a settlement between us but I will get a better deal (and less bullied) this way.

Oh and good luck spring although it sounds like you won't need it!