divorce, children and property

[Xabian]

I have been married for almost 14 years (and together for 9 years before that)

We have 3 children together (13, 11 and 8). My "D"H does very little for the eldest and youngest but spends a lot of time with middle child.

In the evenings, he is either out or playing pc games. I am lonely and fed up

He doesn't pull his weight in the house either in terms of parenting or being a good husband. I am the main wage earner and am fed up with having to do everything.

If we divorced how likely is it that I would get all 3 children (not sure that middle child will want to live with me as I treat all 3 the same whereas dh favours middle child and all 3 children are very aware of that)?

If we sell the family home, how will the equity be shared?

I would like it to be that I get all 3 children and 50% of the houses equity but i know that my dh will fight that as he had already told me that it wouldn't be fair for me to get "everything" and for him to get "nothing

Where do i begin?

why cant the children reside 50/50 with each parent?

you ned to go to solcitor with all fgure s on mortgage, equity, what property you and h could buy with the equity release from house etcetc.
then go to mediation with your h to discuss who resides with who and who lives where if/when house sold ec

the issues to discuss are residence of the children and contact with the other parent.

starting point if no welare issues would be shared residency (both parents equal)
older children old enough to have some say

Whether the middle child lives with you most of the time will depend on what you and your husband sort out; it may be that you allow the middle child to live with his or her dad if that suits everyone, as long as you see him or her regularly. If however you would hate for that to happen, then potentially it could go to court and the judge would decide what's in that child's best interests.

As c'est la vie says, shared residence is more common these days but it certainly doesn't suit every family; it depends on all sorts of factors such as whether you are geographically close, can make arrangements amicably, whether your ds works away a lot, etc etc.

So far as the equity split is concerned, generally, the idea is that both of you end up in houses of a similar value if there is going to be a reasonable amount of child-sharing. That rarely, however, means a straight 50/50 split of the equity in the matrimonial home, unless you both earn exactly the same amount. So a woman who earns less than her husband normally gets more than half of the equity because her mortgage capacity is lower, therefore she needs more capital to reach equality with the husband.

You really need to see a family solicitor. Have a look on www.resolution.org.uk to find a local specialist who will give you a free half hour.

He only wants the middle child not all 3 which I think is not only very wrong but also potentially very damaging for all 3 children

The 13 year old may well be able to choose. When we divorced the older 3 chose to stay here (complicated divorce but they were asking me to divorce their father) and my lawyer said no way would the younger 2 be split from the older siblings who were old enough to make a choice. I earned 10x their father. he could not afford to buy me out of this house and I could so we stayed here. He got more than 50% of the assets for a clean break as he earned less but he still worked full time and did as much as I did at home, no complaints there.

I think it looks like you both work full time. If he were a househusband then he might get children and house. So let us assume child aged 13 choose to live withyou and that both of you work full time I think it very likely the 3 children will mostly live with you. Assuming you cannot afford to buy him out and the house is not too big for your needs then you stay in it. He may get his equity when the youngest is 18. Or you could remortgage as I did to buy out his share whatever that share is.

If neither of you earn that much then a clean break may not be possible and you may need to pay him regular maintenance.

If the house is much bigger than your reasonable needs (as ours would have been except I could afford to buy him out) then you may have to sell it so you both then can be housed but the priority will be the chilren and ensuring they are housed even if the person without them then lives in a small flat.