access to children within marriage

[aokay]

this is very tricky but I am housebound through disablity/illness & my dh is now spending the bulk of every school holiday, most w/e (all long w/e) away from our family home. No pronbs most of you would say & so would I except 1, I need practical help to wash, dress etc, I can't shop or cook and 2) - he always takes our dc's (youngest nearly 4).
He usually goes to his parents who seem totally cool with it - I could go if I had some of my equipment at their house (& they'd need w/chair acces whcih they haven't got).
Unspoke realsiation is that dh does not want to care for me and goes to tehm to be looked after by hs mum and to get away from me.
I am more or less resigned to facts that I cant make him 'care' either practically or emotionally - I cannpt resign myself to having the children taken away - I feel very punished for having bvecome ill.
Do I have any legal recourse except divorce (which I think would just leavee me alone 100% of time instead of 45 %).
I have very few rl friends - most have just 'drifted' away as Ive become less able ad more stuck at home = when I say alone I mean just that.

This is a terribly sad post . I think the crux of your problem may in fact be you are not getting the care and support you need and therefore are not enabled to be with your family . Could you speak with the CAB and see what care and help you are entitled to at home, could you speak with you Dh and Pil and explain you would like to be with your family at weekends? Are there any groups you could join to make a new network of friends and support?

thanks for replying - I had care plan but dh will not allow me to get paid help. I would do it now but things are complicated re dh's work so i feel unwilling to 'hit' the family finances by getting the carers I need,. currently I am just over the limit the council use to decide whether you get free help in the house or not. I keep trying to get dh to review our financial situation as a family so we can work these things out but he makes excuses & it never happens.
Re the support system - most things are set up for aged, Im in my 30's - I cant get out without help so meeting people is a non starter. Also now everything seems to be being cut - I find a group just to hear it's closed due to council cuts.

Don't you get DLA? If so, that is intended to be used to assist you dealing with your disability. Use it to pay for some help.

thanks - issues are more about dh removing dc for holidays, w/e etc without my approval/agreement. any ideas about this would be useful - thanks

Couldn't you ring your MIL up & have a heart to heart about these issues so that there may be ways you can join in? It would be hard on the children NOT to have opportunities to go away because you are housebound but there must be some things you can join in with.

Within a marriage you both have rights to see the children. Sometimes there are disputes eg if one parent wants to send the children away to board or one parent wants to live in one place and another in another. I know someone whose wife has taken the children to Australia where she is from and the oldest will not take up his place at a leading London day school this Autumn and the father will have to decide whether to mvoe to Australia (he won't) or lose his children/wife. Within a marriage it's harder with no divorce necessarily in prospect.

I don't think you would lose them 100% on a divorce if you could show that you could have enough help at home when they are there (and as they get bigger they will need less help anyway). How old are they?

I suspect this is more just about a lazy man. May be the calling of the mother in law is a good idea IF you have already spoken to your husband about it. Also could you work from home and generate income to buy care for you and the children so he doesn't need to go there so much?

I suppose the thread is more about what are the obligations on a spouse physically to care for another. So if a wife refused to do her husband's washing is that illegal? It's not. If your husband or you are seriously ill are you obliged to nurse the sick etc etc. There is England a law that each spouse has an obligation in marriage financially to support the other. I do not know of any rule saying each is entitled to a certain % of the time with the chidlren. Plenty of women take the chidlren back to their home country every summer for a few months in school holidays and some fathers don't even like that seem to have to lump it.

I'm not sure there is anything at all you can do about this, actually, unless you start legal proceedings against your husband towards legal separation and/or divorce.

He would almost certainly have to pay you spousal maintenance because you are disabled, on top of child maintenance. Having a disability would not be grounds to remove your children from you, so you don't need to worry about that.

In fact, I would start proceedings now because you are currently probably entitled to legal aid, but in a few weeks time you won't be.

thanks somuch everyone - I appreciate your input very much - he came home today without the dc's and told me he's leavingme & its over. he also told me to leave - he wants me to leave the family home. Im not, and Im hoping to see a solicitor tomorrow - he got nasty when I said I wouildnt leave - he actually wants me to go to another house the family own a long way from where we live (and the children) - said he'd bring them for 'visits'. I dont trust them to think about my interests as they never have so, Im trying to. I have already set up a mother's help so I can cope with the kids at home. I guess I should stick this in the divorce section now as I have q's about father removing children in a divorce scenario.
Am very shaky but have'nt dropped dead from shock and am not going to roll over & lose my kids - they need me at least as much as him - Im the only one open to their emotional needs - i do the bulk of the childcare despite my disablity.
Any advice now about next steps really really appreciated.

Sorry I have no advice legally or otherwise but just wanted to say your post really pulled at my heart strings.

You sound a very strong lady and I know you can get through this... I hope you find the help you need...

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

I have called these in the past when had problems and found them useful...
I think you need to get something formal in place with regards to the children, how, I'm not sure but I think for your peace of mind you need to know where you stand.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356

These helped me find a solicitor in my area...
Feel free to inbox me or post here to let me know how things are going
:)

aokay you need advice from a solicitor and also call womens aid as his behaviour borders on abusive -

they happy to talk things thru with you and advise on local solicitors

dont agree to moving or anything until you had legal advice.

also find a disability advocate locally to you .

Do not move out whatever you do. You have plenty of rights. He's clearly an arsehole, and I would agree, abusive. CAB, Women's Aid, and for god's sake get yourself some legal aid representation before it all dries up for divorce cases.

You ladies are so great - Im really grateful to get input from other people as it's easy to start believing you're a useless waste of space when told this incessantly.
I now have a solicitor (got one who'se a family speciliast & offers mediation etc) - have school on board and have set up help in the home.
he was planning to take the children tonight but Ive said no. He also started saying he is and always has been the primary carer which is a bit funny as he's always worked full time - wonder what the children did all day til he comes home latish at night!
I had a really shitty night last night despite my best efforts but got myself up and going first thing and started to make phone calls.
He is now saying he is not making permanent plans but Im nodding along and covering my back.
I do have worries he will try to remove the children tonight and would welcome advice - can I phone the police? (or anyone else), or should I wait until I see the solicitor and just tell him I do not agree tonight? (ie tell him I dont agree but let him iyswim)?
I am also worried someone we know will see my posts and tell him - any advice there? (I dont leave myself signed in here/ dont want to sound paranoid but y'know!)

You probably can phone the police, yes; tell them that you are going through separation leading to divorce and that he has taken them away without your permission.

But get a legal separation agreement in place quick smart with your solicitor, or you really will be in trouble.

He's an idiot trying to make out he was primary carer when he works full time - and presumably you had no other help (nanny, etc).

Hi - no nanny - fed all my kids for a year, did not work outside the home - no paid help or voluntary help! - just me and the babes all day every day with dh appearing in evening - no - just a bizarre remark but shows his state of mind and I'm afraid he believes that - Im keeping everything low key - no recriminations or tears (now - cried through shock I think when he told me). No problems this evening except being bone tired - about to go to bed & hope for a quiet night! (and so say all of us).

Aokay, keep in touch with your solicitor. YOu might want to get some preventive court order that he must not take the children from you as physically it will hard for you to keep them. Are the chilren old enough to be told what is going on? Are they old enough (13+) to make a choice about with whom they live? I assume they are fairly young.

If you can avoid ringing the police, I would as as soon as social services get involved things always seem to be much worse on both sides.

I have no words of wisdom but just want to offer my support. He is a total wanker.

have very good solicitor & will get a decent night's slepp!
will update but all looking much better. for the record - emergency residence order possible to get in 2 days! also solicitor said forget Police unless you have legal proceedings (ie have made an application to court etc)/ this contradicts Police I spoke to but did sound true as Police not happy in domestic dispute situations (any POlice please correct me If Im wrong).
Wracked with guilt as feel sorry for him but have taken sensible steps as advised by solicitor - anticipate being poorer, thinner and wiser (maybe!) in near future. thanks for replies again - heartening for me as Im very isolated although friends have been coming out of the woodwotrk and being supportive :)
thanks for gingerbread advice - good one - Ive also found websites offering great holidays for disabled & non-disabled together so have hopes of a holiday with dc's too at some point.

Yes, I would avoid the police if you can and also your children will have (we hope) their father for life. He may be behaving extremely badly but he is half of them and the ideal will be you and he sort out between you what is the best care for them not to exclude one of you from their lives entirely.

would not deprive dcs of father but equally do have obligation to dcs to keep their lives undramatic!
thanks for all responses.