Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Contact Order for a baby?

20 replies

EternityCow · 10/04/2012 23:15

Ex and I attended mediation after he refused to visit my property to see our baby when he was born 7 months ago. He finally agreed, he visiting at mine twice a week for 2 hours starting just after xmas, when son was 3 months old and soon contact was moved away from mine, and now he is seeing him for 4 and half hours 3 times a week.
Today he kicked off saying he taking me to court as he wants to take son 3 hours drive to visit family, thats a 6 hour round journey, I don't think fair when son feeds every 2 hours, has severe reflux, is currently losing weight so under a dietician and has medical problems which require a lot of supervision.
I was wondering what the steps would be if he did take me to court? Every few weeks he kicks off and part of me feels atleast if a court said it, then maybe he would stick to it and stop all this hassle.
Has anyone got any clue what a court would consider "reasonable" access at this age? I am open to moving things forward but I still have no address for ex, he tells me at the moment he taking him to a friends house. The contact taking place at the moment keeps my son in his routine and allows me to take him to his physio and appts, my ex wants the 3 contact sessions at the moment to be moved to full days....
Just wondering if anyone had experience of courts whilst baby so young and what might be seen as reasonable?
I'm in the UK
Thanks

OP posts:
3xcookedchips · 10/04/2012 23:37

What reasons do you have that your ex won't be able to fulfil the role you currently undertake such as feeding, appts etc...if you were together wouldn't he be helping out in the same way? As for routine, do ever intend to put your child in to childcare?

Spero · 10/04/2012 23:43

If he can meet his child's needs, I don't think a full day is at all unreasonable. He isn't a stranger, he has built up contact at your home and away.

If he can't meet child's needs then longer isn't appropriate - the court will operate on principle that child is entitled to a relationship with both parents but his welfare is the most important thing.

Can you try mediation again? I am afraid it may not be the case that court proceedings bring you any greater clarity or certainty. People can always apply to vary orders and the proceedings are almost always very time consuming and emotionally draining - not to mention the financial costs.

Original poster
EternityCow · 10/04/2012 23:43

My ex chooses not to attend the appts, so therefore I believe he will not fully understand what is best and doesn't understand our sons condition.
That's why I don't want contact to interfere with the schedule of appts we already have as I am doing all these by myself. Our son has a life long disability so therefore no, he will not be in childcare for long time, possibly not til atleast school age

The reasons being he has nowhere or is not reassuring me he has anywhere to take our son all day as contact is held at a friends or local play centre

OP posts:
Spero · 10/04/2012 23:46

Ps I know some judges don't agree, but I feel very strongly that you should always have an address and contact number fr where your child will be. If ex refuses to provide this, makes me dubious.

Spero · 10/04/2012 23:48

If he genuinely refuses to educate himself about your son's condition, I would expect a court to back you up on refusing to agree longer contact sessions.

3xcookedchips · 10/04/2012 23:50

You are therefore suggesting he will endanger the health of your child?

As for routine, routines change thats a fact of live.

Original poster
EternityCow · 10/04/2012 23:56

I did suggest if he came to atleast the consultant appts at hospital and realize this isn't something our son is gonna grow out of then we could consider moving to a longer day at weekends and still keeping an afternoon during the week too, had he of suggested it, would of been fine, but because I suggested it, no i'm being unreasonable! I understand he wants him for longer and am open minded on doing so, but son is still only a 7 month old, developmentally more of a 3-4 month old, I don't see being away from me for 3 whole days a week, meaning he will miss atleast 1 session of physio and the SEN group I currently take him to will be of benefit to him.

OP posts:
STIDW · 10/04/2012 23:57

I don't think you should worry about being taken to court. As far as contact is concerned there is no one arrangement that suits all families and the welfare of children is paramount. With young babies contact awarded by courts tends to be little and often which you are already doing. It sounds as though your ex is being a tad unreasonable expecting your son to travel a distance with his health problems at the moment. Contact is for the benefit of the children not parents.

Original poster
EternityCow · 11/04/2012 00:00

Thankyou STIDW, was wondering what a courts view on contact would be at this age... and you've answered that thanks, will try once again to speak to ex and come to an agreement

OP posts:
3xcookedchips · 11/04/2012 00:00

Has he actually said hes going to refuse giving the care that you say your child requires?

Original poster
EternityCow · 11/04/2012 00:02

He will not attend the SEN group as he says its just for Mums, (Its not, but 90% of the time its just Mums + babies there)
The physio sessions are based around play time and held at my home and he will not attend
So the times he is asking to have DS will be when these things happen, and he will not take him

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 11/04/2012 09:13

I don't think it's unreasonable & I can't see a court refusing this request as long as it is clear what the baby's dietary needs are.

cestlavielife · 11/04/2012 13:05

if he manages 4 and half hours he should manage a whole day .
can the physio attend a session at his home?
or will he go to clinic?

have you a record of ex eg email in which he refuses to attend medical appointments/reviews? does he accept/understand the condition at all?

it does seem important that dad is aware of the issues . but i cant see why he would not be able to feed him as needed even on a car journey. h can stop o feed.

are you able to say what the condition is ?
do you have a specialist health visitor involved?

from your point of view it is going to be useful and important that your son does get respite/childcare from others - including his dad.

and it will make going to school easier if he experiences nursery for ecample plus a good nursery can be good place for learning and stimulation. dont dismiss it. you need that time (my Sn ds is now 15 and now goes off happily to overnight respite)

Original poster
EternityCow · 11/04/2012 13:24

He doesn't have a home so no, physio cannot be held at his and they have written to him through his solicitor to advise him of the sessions and he has never responded!
He just takes him to a friends he says at the moment. I only have a mobile for him, no addresses.
I have offered a whole day to alternate Sat one week, Sun the next and still afternoon contact in the week, he has refused. He wants 3 whole days, which I don't think is reasonable knowing my son will miss groups/physio.
I don't think he accepts the condition, I think he just thinks everything will be ok...
I do have a specialist health visitor.
I will look into nursery as he gets older, guess I cant imagine it right now but who knows in the future, noone knows exactly how he will be

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 11/04/2012 16:06

well it is important that your son attends physio and the groups, given his special needs.
keep good records of this.
make sure your hv knows everything that is going on.

is he on the birth cert, does he have parental repsonsibility?

i think the fact that he refuses to take him to groups/physio means you should not allow contact on those days. he has to show willing to attend to his son's special needs.

keep inviting him to attend though so he does not turn around and say you prevented him... .

Original poster
EternityCow · 11/04/2012 19:22

Yes he is on birth certificate and has PR

He is calling tonight so I will reoffer what I said, I will never prevent him, my DS consultant and health visitor have his solicitors details and they forward all appts to him, well in advance if possible and I send all details via text message.

The groups are held at a locals childrens centre, as he has PR he can take our DS with or without me, and the centre is open to anyone.
Physio is a set day and time each week at mine, and he again doesn't come...
As for sign language I know DS is young at the moment but in time I hope this to help, as he is likely to need speech therapy as he has low muscle tone and cannot keep his tongue in, I rented a dvd to lend to ex to help him learn it but he says he has nowhere to watch it, he just says DS wont need sign language, but he has already failed 2 hearing tests, just frustrating, would be nice to work together to give our son the best possible start, feels I putting in all the work and he just wants the nice bits....

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 12/04/2012 11:39

it isnt unusual for one parent (or both) to want to lvie in "denial" .... just stick to offering the contact which fits around your ds' commitments therapies an groups. i he doesnt like i he can take i further - and you can point out very reasonably that his special needs demands those groups and therapies and that he cannot miss them.

also he needs a specialist feeding SLT now to begin working on muscles etc oromotor muscles - eating chewing all are part of speech development.

and yes start signing now -maybe just give your ex a mr tumble DVD and encourage him to watch it with baby?

Original poster
EternityCow · 12/04/2012 12:28

Ok had a more successful chat with him last night, he has agreed 12-6 on a Weds and the same on a day every weekend. Which wont interfere with commitments...

He has given me his address and I have agreed to give him copies of the therapy groups etc and inform him each week if we are able to make it....

Yesterday afternoon DS spent 4 hours in A+E , he woke up with a temp of 40... went floppy and was sick... I called ex and he met us there, I hoping this has made him realise this is real and can't be ignored and he needs to learn to understand things a bit better, DS has a weak immune system and is one again on antibiotics for an infection

OP posts:
Spero · 12/04/2012 18:25

That's great that you have talked, but sorry to hear about your son. I agree that your ex is probably in denial about the realities of what your son needs but hopefully he is learning some valuable lessons now.

Original poster
EternityCow · 12/04/2012 21:24

I hope so...
Guess I'm very black and white in my view to things, its either this way or that... my DS IS disabled, will ALWAYS be... and accept it...
I went through the grievance stage when he was diagnosed at 6 days old... then had to get on with it, my baby needed and will always need, not just me, but his Dad too. This may not be how I saw my life being but hes our son and I hope my ex is in it for the long run.
He is looking into another job and moving back to the town where I live, just for foreseeable future so I'm hoping things will start to look up and he is having him Saturday from 11-6:30 so am going to very much enjoy some "me" time... lol

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread