Legal Advice re: dd's biological father re-appearing please

[XoBo]

Hello, I am a lurker and this is my first post. I hope it's ok for my first post to be one asking for help . I'm in a real panic about a complex situation but I'll try to keep it brief and relevant.

I divorced my 4 and a half yr old dd's father when she was two months old. He had mental health problems to the extent that he had been sectioned, life was chaotic and I did not feel safe. The split was acrimonious and we went to court over access to dd. He wanted to have her for whole weekends (she was a newborn and he was mentally ill) which the court refused him. They granted him supervised contact but he was so furious at not getting his own way that he just scarpered and we never heard from him again. This, to be honest, was the best outcome as he was only going to make dd's life chaotic and as he had alcohol and drug problems, I considered us well shot of him.

I have raised her alone with the support of my parents and am now with a new partner whom i plan to marry and who wants to be dd's 'daddy'. He is a lovely man and we are very happy. Now, out of the blue, I have had an email from ex-h demanding to see his daughter and saying he will 'accept' supervised contact. I am furious; he has never shown any interest in her, she has no idea he exists and how dare he just pop up and demand this. I have not replied and do not plan to. My question is really, how likely would he be to be granted supervised contact, given his long absence and erratic history? I won't allow him any contact myself but assume he will take the legal route and I'm wondering if there is ANY chance at all he will be denied any contact at all. Please advise if you can. I don't want him to see her. Her life is stable and good and regardless of the child's right to know her father, he will only confuse her, unsettle her and damage her life. He will also probably disappear again as he has never stuck to abything

Freckled: He doesn't know where I live and we have no mutual friends so hopefully it will be a hassle to find me. He does know where my parents live though.

Adelaide: I am guessing that he won't have the resolve to get through a drawn-out court case. He isn't very robust although he can be dogged. Here's hoping he just gives up when asked to actually demonstrate commitment

Maintenance doesn't come into it for me AMummy.

For the benefit of AMFN: CSA has exclusive jurisdiction for maintnenance. They will not and cannot backdate it to before the application is made. I am 100% sure you are not right.

XoBo- I'd try and head him off before he goes to a solicitor by telling him what he will have to demonstrate before you agree to consider starting contact again. That will put him off if he's trying it on.

Can you suggest say 6 months of indirect access first? Letters etc? Maybe sent via third party?

My ex p decided he wanted to see dd after 8 years. My DH was her 'daddy'.
He was initially allowed to write letters, then supervised contact.
Even now she is 15 he never sees her alone.
She calls him by hs name and calls DH dad still.
Even though he was granted access he was never given PR. My DH was given PR and residency by the court.

Good luck, its the shittiest thing in the world.

...he will only be made to pay if the mother makes an application to the CSA. The clock starts ticking from the date of the application(or when the CSA(CMEC) receive it) and not from 4 years ago. The Family Court will only address residency and parenting time and will put a structure around it. You havent explained the terms of the divorce etc. The moment anyone these days makes an application to the court they will be expected to attend mediation before they set foot inside the court room. Not sure they make exceptions as if one party feels threatened by the other then shuttle mediation can be used.

It matters not one jot that you think your child will be better off without knowing her father - at the end of the day it's not about your rights or the fathers rights but the right of the child to a meaningful(I'll leave the reader to decide what that means) relationship with both parents.

However, what you have going for you is the status quo. Like others have said he will get some contact that over time will increase at a rate dependant on you, and how far he wants to go and how he generally conducts himself inside and outside of court if it gets that far.

Be prepared for the long haul.

The courts are able to find an address to serve papers.

Research and evidence from child psychologists and psychiatrists is that children who grow up not knowing a parent (even if their behaviour leaves much to be desired by most people's standards) tend to have low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems in later life. Therefore the courts will order some form of contact in all but a few exceptional circumstances. When there has been a gap in contact there is every chance a court would look to re-establish contact.

Good contact for children relies on parents working together and going to court makes that difficult. It is much better for children when parents can sit down, compromise and reach agreement with the help of a mediator. Perhaps a starting point would be indirect contact (letters, cards, email) before meeting with you and your daughter.

Lots of good advice on here and food for thought; thank you all.

Collaborate, I think your advice is great. No doubt it will put him off but if it doesn't there is some reassurance in the fact that he is committed to seeing her and not just trying it on.

mosschops, an outcome like yours would be ok perhaps. Does your dd actually want to see him? If she calls your dh 'dad' is she happy enough to still see her biological father?

She sees him at her grandmothers, who has always made the effort to continue contact. Initially we didnt have any choice contact was forced by cafcass and the court, despite dd not even knowing anything about him, having the biological father conversation with an 8 year old was hard I dont think she cares either way, he never gives her a birthday card or anything at Xmas, and now shes older i can make the odd sly dig which keeps me entertained.
IMHO he is bordering on psychopathic, and was also violent to me.

Still we have a nice family unit me and dh have beem married fir 10 yrs now, she has 2 little brothers, dh will always be Dad and i think now shes grown up she realises that DH pays for her private medical insurance, he buys her clothes, pays for her holidays, sorts out any problems, keeps her safe, has been to every parents evening and every concert, will pay for her university and wedding.
As kids grow they notice these things and understand what family really means, being safe, feeling loved, being encoraged to be all you can be.

Try not to worry xobo, your dd has you and your dh and she will always feel safe and loved by you. Just keep her protected with supervised access if it comes to that.

Thanks mosschops, it seems like you have managed it really well and our situations are similar. I guess my biggest fear is that this will disrupt a safe happy environment. We feel and operate like a 'conventional' family even though she isn't my partner's biologically. It is nice to hear that there is hope. As for the biological conversation with a 4yr old....

I know exactly what you mean, disrupting a happy family seems so unfair

it wasnt easy at the time, we spent almost £20k in solicitors fees trying to prevent contact, it caused a lot of arguments between me and dh, and i was so bitter and consumed by hatred for ex p for such a long time.

But now, 8 years on, its not so bad, it hasnt impacted massively on our family life. I almost pity ex p living his sad little existance.

I know...you have to wonder exactly how the child benefits from contact in these circumstances . Seem to me it's the father that benefits