Legal Advice re: dd's biological father re-appearing please

[XoBo]

Hello, I am a lurker and this is my first post. I hope it's ok for my first post to be one asking for help . I'm in a real panic about a complex situation but I'll try to keep it brief and relevant.

I divorced my 4 and a half yr old dd's father when she was two months old. He had mental health problems to the extent that he had been sectioned, life was chaotic and I did not feel safe. The split was acrimonious and we went to court over access to dd. He wanted to have her for whole weekends (she was a newborn and he was mentally ill) which the court refused him. They granted him supervised contact but he was so furious at not getting his own way that he just scarpered and we never heard from him again. This, to be honest, was the best outcome as he was only going to make dd's life chaotic and as he had alcohol and drug problems, I considered us well shot of him.

I have raised her alone with the support of my parents and am now with a new partner whom i plan to marry and who wants to be dd's 'daddy'. He is a lovely man and we are very happy. Now, out of the blue, I have had an email from ex-h demanding to see his daughter and saying he will 'accept' supervised contact. I am furious; he has never shown any interest in her, she has no idea he exists and how dare he just pop up and demand this. I have not replied and do not plan to. My question is really, how likely would he be to be granted supervised contact, given his long absence and erratic history? I won't allow him any contact myself but assume he will take the legal route and I'm wondering if there is ANY chance at all he will be denied any contact at all. Please advise if you can. I don't want him to see her. Her life is stable and good and regardless of the child's right to know her father, he will only confuse her, unsettle her and damage her life. He will also probably disappear again as he has never stuck to abything

I am not an expert and suggest you get some legal advice. However, I would expect the court to take account of what has happened over the last 4 years. If your ex-h has had help and overcome some/all of his problems, then I would expect the court would allow access. Even if no change, I would expect they would come to the same conclusion as previously for supervised access.

Thank you for responding. I think you are right but was just hoping someone might say otherwise as I just can't see for the life of me what good sudden supervised contact with an unstable stranger would do any child ( I know that the law says otherwise). I suppose I had best hope that this is just a whim of his and that he won't be bothered to take me to court. Oy maybe he can't afford it.

Please do not respond to him.
I have the similar same problem minus the drug and acohol problem .
I know alot of people will say alot about my comment.
But there some cases that are best left for the courts to deal with and this is one of those cases where there needs to be another neutral party looking into this and deciding the next steps.
If he wants to fight contact for his dd there legal steps to take and that exactly the root he should take,if not then move on with your life.
Bringing him back into your life without any legal lines, may cause problem with you and your new partner and obviously really upsetting for your child as he a total stranger to her.
Father shouldn't be entitled to pick and choose when they decide to be in your child life just because it suits him as it seems.
And how dare he even demand anything off you ,after all the hell he put you through.

Thank you for replying. I am not going to get into any dialogue with him at all as will leave it to him to take me to court. I know each situation is different but I also know that my dd will be better off with no contact. I am so so worried because I know the courts will grant access in all likelihood. I know she will be safe in a contact centre but that only accounts for her physical safety. Can I expect the court to care that this will upset the balance of her life and cause her problems just so that someone who has never contributed to her life in any respect can have a second chance and exercise his 'rights'? My partner, who meets her needs daily, is also devastated.

Fact is he will get contact ..
Due to his behaviour it would probably be supervised for a while than increased gradually.
I know that isn't something you would like to hear but seriously when involving children people do not care about the story behind it all.
The main question in this is he any immediate danger to the child ? Not exactly so he will be granted some form of contact.
Only because he has all these personal problems it shouldn't affect the child from seeing his father .
I'm looking at it from the judges POV it all about what best for the child. The judges put themselves in the child position it good to have a realtionship with both parents i suppose but some for whatever reason not able to arranged it.

I know he will. I suppose I need to separate the law from what I believe to be best in my own mind. It just makes me so angry that there is an ASSUMPTION that contact with both parents is best. She won't be in any immediate danger. But he will f**k her up anyway . Thanks for listening

AMummyFromNotts: what planet are you on????

If you adopt that attitude no wonder you've had problems in your own family arrangements. You're dispensing bad advice on Legal left right and centre.

XoBo: you should speak to him, either face to face, through relatives, or at mediation. Your dd deserves a father. Who is to say whether he's turned a corner, and now has something to offer her?

If she gets to 18 without having ever known him, then learns you prevented contact now, she would, I'd imaginge, find it hard to understand (and forgive?) your decision.

If he applies to court he'd get some supervised contact, leading to eventually unsupervised. I'd want to know though that he had overcome his problems. You'd need to see some proof that he'd been treated for the alcohol and drug addiction. Speak to him about this. He might be happy for you to speak to the professionals who have been treating him. Court resources are scarce. They shouldn't be wasted on people who haven't tried to sort it out for themselves first (AMummyFromNotts take note).

Oh btw don't you worry he will have to start paying, you could probably get a order to be backdated whilst he at it.
Thats why representative will always tell a father to keep some form of record or proof of giving money.
I don't understand why he wasn't anyways ?
I'd assume if he went court previously there would of been some kind of payment plan made.
I assume he isn't in any fit state to hold down a job ,so there wouldn't be much you'd be entitled to but £5 perweek but every penny counts i guess.

OP when you say your DD doesn't know he exists. who does she think is her father?

Collabornate *
The advice given it based on what i been told .
I think it best they don't commuicate due to the background.Isn't going solve anything is it other than caused confusion and bring this guy back into her life.
I never ever said he shouldn't or isn't entitled to see his dd btw read people comment properly before you make nasty digs
If you read my second comment it says that basically.

Thanks Collaborate. My real concern is that his mental health problems are recurrent and he often operates for years without medication or accessing services and then has an 'episode'.Although he has been sectioned, he also manages to stay under the radar for long peiods. his word that he has sorted himself out is not really good enough in the circumstances. He is also dogged, inflexible and aggressive and I am, frankly, frightened to speak to him directly.

In terms of my dd blaming me, I would hope that when she is older she will understand that I acted to protect her and that, coming from a large close family, she will feel secure and that she had a good childhood.

In a sense, however, this is incidental. Because I am scared to speak to him, do you think it would be bad to wait for something more official from him than an email? Could it be that he is just chancing his arm and doesn't take it any further? Obviosly I would have to take a solicitor's letter seriously.But given that he hasn't bothered to see her since she was tiny and doesn't even know where we live, he might just go away. I will stop my confused ramblings now

I Am Booyhoo: she has never asked about a father. I guess she is at the age where they just accept the status quo and she just supposes she doesn't have one. Obviously she will ask one day...soon I think.

Also, whoever mentioned money, I haven't mentioned money at all in my posts. As it happens, he hasn't ever given us any money but I believe that is an entirely separate matter, both to the courts and to my mind. I may be wrong about the court, but I don't want to discuss maintenance...it's not relevant to this.

i am really grateful to all of you for taking the time to advise me, thanks again

A correction for COLLABORNATE
When i said court, i mean Mediation first then so on BTW.
If it don't solve anything then obviously the courts.
But yet again due the nature of what happened your representative may bi-pass mediation.
There no point seeing anyone until he take action.
The least you can say to him then is like we need a second opinion and i think it best we go Mediation first, to see if something can be arranged than a second opinion there and you both can openly dicussed your problems .
Approaching and dealing with this yourselve is not doable as you have loads of hatred towards him and also he might .
So that wouldn't be best the child take note collabornate..

Actually AMummyfromNotts, I don't have loads of hatred towards him. I had sort of forgotten about him over the past 4 years, apart from praying he stays away. But I am afraid of him. When we went to court before, he threatened to abduct the baby and that was witnessed by a court official. I don't want to enter into discussion with him myself for that reason and because he is unlikely to be able to have a reasonable discussion. i think what Collaborate says is wise, it's just that I don't know if I can apply it in my situation.

I brought up the money issue .
You stated in your post he doesn't give you money or haven't i only scrimmed read it ..
Maybe you didn't and i read someone elses comment on here.
I am not taking sides here all i've done is gave you my honest opinion on the adivse you've stated for your own personal situation.
Maybe your ex partner has changed and does want a meaningful realtionship etc but it best you do all your commiuncation through Mediation or another neutral party.
As far as it goes with you not wanting him to see your child ,then you basically have your answer there don't let him and that all i can say on the matter who am i to judge what you think best for your child.
I don't appreciate personal digs made. What best for one family is not always best for another please take that inconsideration.
And i'll not be passing any judgement on your final decision .. You know what is best for now so stick to your instinct

AMummy: I am grateful for your input and I don't think I have made any digs at you or anyone? I'm just pointing out that i haven't mentioned money at all. I hope you don't feel I have made digs. I don't want to get into anything personal with anybody

It fine.
Like i said i only gave you advise, based on your personal situation that you stated.
Only you know what gone on here and the ins an outs of what he has or haven't put you through.
Alot people get touchy on these subjects and i only ever look at it from each personal situation.
I am not saying you hate him that was the only word i could think of at the time,but your obviously not on a very good terms whatever you would like to class it as.
In previous messages i told you when it comes to the story telling part, no1 exactly cares what went on they just care about the child having a realtionship with both parties .All it does is builds up a general characther of him but it wouldn't exactly change the fact he is the father and he isn't any immediate danger to your child that all people care about here really.
It like domestic abuse cases the domestic abuse was towards the mother not the child so shouldn't/won't affect him having contact with his child.
You can get as many reports on him as you like but he will still get some form of contact at the end.and due to the history it likely to be supervised AGAIN than gradually move on.
You now have to take this information and prepare yourself for what he will throw in the future.
Because no matter what way we look at it ,i don't think he will just be walking away from it.
Hope i haven't offeneded you in any way at all

I see AMummyFromNotts continues to dispense bad legal advice.

I know you haven't mentioned money but AMummy is completely wrong when she says you could get a backdated maintenance order. You can't. The courts can't make maintenance orders in most cases and the CSA will not backdate a claim.

No offense taken at all. You are right that I just need to prepare myself now for what is to come. I do think he might leave it for now but I also know the subject will inevitably rear its head in the future so I need to live my life and cross each bridge as I get to it. Thank you again for taking the trouble to offer me advice

Hi prh47, it's okay, I won't be making any claim for money. Thanks for explaining though

xobo, i think I'd ignore until he makes it legal. Then get advice through all the legal bods you can....also, womens aid may help if he is an agressive and unstable bully, especially if he has threatened you and DD before.

Thanks hatti. I will have a look at Women's aid now. He hasn't ever been violent so it didn't occur to me

I would do absolutely nothing at present. Does your ex know your address or current circumstances? Is he in touch with any of your friends or relatives?

If not, unless he hires a private detective, goes to court etc, it's unlikely he will be able to do much at present. Therefore, I would ignore any email, not enter into any kind of dialogue and not give any indication that you exist. Go to ground so to speak.

The maintenance bit i probably am wrong, I will admit that part .
But i am 100% sure there been a few cases where people have been backdated money.

And it he will be made to paid maintenance,if he was to go to court and ask for any form of contact and it wouldn't look very favourable if he hasn't been contributed so that one on you.
The system changes constantly but from what i know which is the lastest he will have to pay .

IMHO your next step should be to contact a solicitor, most will offer a free half hour, I believe they will direct you to mediation ( they have to these days ).

If you still have safety concerns and cant agree then your ex. will have to make an application to the family court, this will be the start of a long drawn out process it will take many months before he gets even supervised contact.

The court process will be a test of his resolve and his mental stability ( and yours ), it wont be easy for either of you.