Worry over Social Services and School re past abuse/future disclosures

[seaofyou]

Ds brought up past abuse few weeks ago again.
I should tell SS manager (agreed to do this in last meeting) .
Ss manager contacted, no phone call back. So went to solicitor yesterday, I explained my fears with going back to SS. She agreed that this situation is tricky and too worried it backfire reporting it. Worried ds could be put on 'child in need' register. Solicitor agrees with these concerns also.

Solicitor then said about discussing the situation with school because ds told dc in playground. He may tell teacher and if they don't know history (they know ex used to attack house (again i did not tell them but 1:1 broke confidentiality) but not about the abuse as police were told by SS I was making up because I don't get maintenance). DI accussed me after speaking to SW as having 'persecutery delusion' and refused to go ahead with interview/video of ds that day. Even though I have statements and one recorded disclosure ds did with his ttors..I wasnt even their!

So solicitor doesn't know if I should/shouldn't tell school? She agrees if ds discloses in school then they follow their own Child Protection. She will get back to me on that. Can I have other views/advice on telling school? I am worried school will go to SS if I bring it up with the school. I know that they thought I had possible Munchausens Bi Proxy or something like that. I have not.

SW told me at meeting 2 months ago not to tell school as they do not need to know. So I kinda got a loop hole their anyhow.

I don't want school to know but don't know if they should know some of the history?

I just don't want it to blow up hence told solicitor I am not telling SS the disclosure this time (not new anyhow just ds remembering it and needing to talk about it).

On weekend ds asked me to type in name of place ds said he 'lived' (ds granp house where he would stay 2/3 times a yr for 1 night and visit few hours one pm a week with dgp). I asked ds would he like to visit grandp and he said no just want to see house. I felt bad as it may induce more memories seeing house on google map and hence more disclosures that I feel I can't go to SS about because of being judged, ds didn't say anything though.

Should I tell school? This will spark SS investigation that I seem to then get the finger pointed and blamed? Private school ds already 'special needs' don't want another even worse label 'abused child' all the teachers would know....where is ds privacy and dignity if disclosed
Please some tell me I am right not wanting to have to tell school also?
What the consequences of also informing SS of ds disclosure (worried they will put ds on 'children in need' or 'child protection' saying I am making it up:( )
Or I will get into trouble if they find out I have not reported disclosure as agreed in last meeting with SS manager and SW?
I am doomed both ways? :(

ttutor tutors

Btw ds hasn't seen df for 3 yrs so not at risk of abuse now.

I think if you have agreed to tell the SS manager then this is what you have to do.

If it's historic abuse surely SS already know about it. I'm on the verge of calling children's services in for my case but it scares me. I'm not sure it's a can of worms I want to open.
What about asking for a referral to camhs for your son to help him deal with the bad memories. My son is in a similar situation and camhs were excellent. How old is your son? Mine is 10 and I was thinking of trying relateen

My ds is 7 but because Aspergers would need specialist psychologist and CAHMS don't have one. nSPCC had nothing and WA only 'counsel' children who have witnessed their parent being abused not the child themselves being abused.

When DI at CPU was about to start investigations that morning with ds last yr as soon as spoke to SW DI changed tune and started to say I had prececutery delusions re ex (muschausens bi proxy basically :( )

So I am not happy to reopen this as SS already know and judged! I don't want to go to school either as they will go to SS also and cycle of last yr is repeated. I was hoping ds would forget, seeing father's in park with their dc sparked it all again for ds:(
I wish I had a magic wand to make the memories disappear but with AS ds memory so detailed!

If your ds does talk about it at school then they will have a legal obligation to inform SS & surely it will look worse if you don't do what you have promised you would?

Hi redhelen, ds was talking to another pupil yr older in playground about it. Pity it wasn't to teacher etc as they would have duty to report it. Ds doesn't understand that well about it as has Aspergers.
Solicitor suggested talking to school re disclosing it to other pupils plus school don't know about it.

When as I was accused of making it up to get back at ds df it isn't a path I do not wish to go down and be accused of again! In the meantime I am left to cope with ds disclosing and can't do a damn thing to get ds any help or justice as there isn't any!

So what is the point when every time I am judged as being some BPD with MHBP?????!

It's so hard. I really don't know what to do either. All of our instincts as a mother are to protect our dc but we seem not to be allowed because how could we possibly know what's best for our on children! Perhaps a chat with your gp might be useful. I'm sure like me though you've thought of everything. We've just found out that my ex hit my son but so worried cafcass will say we made it up. I just want my dc to be listened to without all the pc claptrap

Trust me they will say you are making it up! I reported ds abuse without there even being a contact issue as df sent solicitor letter saying didn't want to see ds. So what are my motives in their (SS) eyes ?!

I wanted ds to heard...he was nonverbal long enough without being able to tell us and now ds knows daddy can be a bad daddy and get away with it...doesnt help my ds confidence in talking on death ears.

What I read on net though we are not alone and this is very common!

Yes very common. I really think we should avoid SS. All we can do is keep dc as safe as possible until they are old enough that SS have no say. My son telling us his father hit him has made sense of everything, I think we just keep it between us and hope no unsupervised contact is ordered.
It absolutely gives the wrong impression to you son. It seems it is up to you to make sure he knows that behaviour is wrong. No wonder some abused people go on to be abusers

ds had total meltdown leaving police station that day as wanted to talk to the policeman. DS asked few days later why wasnt daddy going to jail to become a good daddy:( I mean what do you say to that!!!

Education/role modelling I guess ds knows behaviour was naughty.

I have solicitor letter (worth it's weight in gold) that ds df doesn't want to see ds ...but it doesn't say it is forever...so I do worry the df will return like a bad penny. Also with my ds it is not being a particular age as SS may always be involved as ds is disabled and vulnable...but that is a joke isn't it after what happened!

But I agree keep away from Social Services and do not let them know as it will backfire/explode and us as mums get burnt/blamed.

Howmuchlonger don't even think about going to GP they will report it to SS also. Best let ds heal with lots of nursing and in own time to work through it. It is if they get flash backs from the abuse they seem to not get through it and dont worry about ds repeating his df as he is away from this role model. Are going through court re access you mentioned CAFCASS! They can be awful too (they are Social workers too looking for blame)!
My who horrific experience has tarred my view on SS I can sense their will be loggerheads when I return to my job as I challenge every SW on their outcomes/opinions etc

Yes, we've been going through court for years. We have another wishes and feelings report coming in the next few weeks. I've no idea how the court thinks that the damage is repairable. My dcs just want their father to leave them alone. I'm not surprised your opinion is tarred, it's the most frustrating, frightening situation to be in.

YEARS going through court! How is it taking this long! So the df sees your dc though? You are going back to stop contact change times etc?

Ghosh I have had lucky escape rather ex kick my front door and leave fake petrol than get his hands on ds to abuse ds again!

It's absolutely terrifying having to let a dc go with a monster that the court order!!!

Yes years, I'm so tired. All my ex does is take me to court but does nothing to show any care or concern for dc. He sees all the reports that health workers have written to say how distressed the dc are by contact but he says I have coached the children. I feel so sad for my dc. They have to go to contact time after time and they get so upset. I would never deliberately do that to my kids. I've tried so hard to encourage contact but I can't control what he does when he sees them and he makes it worse every time which makes it harder and harder for me to promote contact. He is also abusive to me at contact but noone seems to care. I guess I just have to put up with it because he donated sperm a few years ago

What a spineless bully picking on his dc and you too, he is hurting the kids sole aim to hurt you harder:(
If it was us and eh reported the dc would be in care now and we would've been labelled PD. he knows the law well and is using all tricks in the book to accuse you of fabricating if you say a word, what a shit! He is verbally abusive to you? Who else hears it? Can you record these abuses on your mobile? Give them in as evidence but then they would make contact with dc and df without you and you don't really want that.
Can you bring someone to contact with pref a large male....he may not be so abusive then.
So he has been hitting your 10 year old boy:( is this every contact? How long is contact? Could you secretly put bugging devise in ds lining of jacket and it will pick up what is said then if abuse happens it is recorded?
You need evidence that was what police kept telling me but as soon as CCTV went up the shit stopped attacking my house!
If you can get evidence somehow you don't need to put up with the sorry excuse of a man!

I am really sorry to hear about this - my SN DS was also beaten up by Ex H and I have also had the 'coaching' accusation levied at me - it seems that there is some kind of formula they apply. You are damned either way. We are the ones who have to pick up the pieces after the abuse and parent the SN children - but nobody even acknowledges that we are any better as parents or even as people

razumov (((HUGS)))
it is devestating finding out what happened to our dc, then disgusting how we were treated for reporting it....we are accused as they don't want to know...I was asked by DI 'oh maybe your ex found ds challenging behavior difficult and snapped!' FFS this man had seen his ds 17 times in 5 years! My ds was the most loving, placid and well behaved child (on a strict behaviour program from 2 yrs old).

I am totally DISGUSTED with the police and Social Services.

it was when he was 4/5 that he hit him, all contact is supervised now so he has to stick to EA these days. I keep well out of his way at contact now, it made me ill last time he had a go at me. I just feel like the court and cafcass don't care and I feel like I just need to get used to it, I'm almost rewigned to it now. Thank heavens for Womens Aid, they keep me sane.

I would love to take along a bodyguard but my ex objects to everybody I could have along with me so I am quite restricted with who I can take. Really don't want to go down the route of being wired although I have noticed that my ex seems to have a spy at contact. The same man always seems to be loitering around, my stupid ex even spoke to him on one occasion! I really don't know what information he is hoping to find but I haven't and never will coach the children so he's wasting his time.
I find the attitude of the various agencies appalling too, I wonder where the childs feelings are really considered properly in all of this. They all seem to have alot of theories but don't spend more than an hour with the children and then write in their report whatever the text book says! And yes, we are left to pick up the pieces everytime but get no acknowledgement for it. As mums we see the reality of the situation and then have to listen to a load of bullshit that comes from case studies that our DC were not involved in!

howmuchlonger I know it doesn't bear much comfort but at least CAFCaSS did the right thing and ordered supervised visits.

Although it is heart breaking for you not to be able to say 'hey come on a minute have anyone thought of my poor dc wellbeing, they are so distressed'.
For this I am so very sorry. I understand why he does this to his dc but wish someone could help him get therapy to stop abusing his dc through the court system like this...sorry:(
There is very little common sence in a lot of these professional judgements. They can have all the qualifications in the world, but unless they have walked in the shoes of the child or mother then they have not a clue how it feels/hurts.