Abusive exH, psychiatric report and contact abroad

[razumov]

ExH was abusive to son nearly 7 - son has been interviewed several timers by SW and welfare report is underway. Ex moved back to his native country AFTER separation and obtained council flat etc. At the time, I asked him not to go so that he could stay nearby to former home but toxic mother-in-law had her way as usual.

Not sure how the welfare report will proceed but wary as rubbish SW who tried to do first one and was sacked halfway through for incompetence implied that son had been manipulated (by me ) against Ex H - obv not true.

Ex is pressing for a psychiatric report but even though I have had no history of MH probs, I wont go there as I have heard various stories and have always found DS a joy to parent despite his SNs (prob on spectrum).

We had a short ti­meta­bling hearing today. ExH asked for a long meeting next time of 2 hrs duration in order to discuss interim contact (supervised). Son does not want it. He will go ballistic if he encounters exH after being beaten up by him so many times (reason why we split). ExH knows that but is a narcissistic $%$ so would do anything to separate son from his mother. He is from that cranky country which blames all SNs on mothers being too close and was trying to alienate DS from me when we lived out there and at the same time physically and psychologically abusing him.

ExH has always been a deadbeat. He lives in a small town in the middle of nowhere with no job prospects (he has already been sacked from the only five potential employers in the past and is not qualified/flexible). He knows he wont get another job there so no economic reason for staying there. However, he is playing the dynamic businessman card claiming that he gave up a career to come to the UK to be with me etc, All BS of course and he was a hands-off dad unless you count beating up. He is also neurologically disabled and has a dodgy hip - I would not want DS endangered by any of this. He does not have a single decent relative whom I would trust out there.

My Q is, could I suggest that he should be made to move back to the UK for short stretches of supervised contact or offer only that on a take-it-or-leave-it basis? His aim is to make malicious allegations against my parenting until SS relent. They were disgusted at first but due to personality clash with s37 reporter, are now supporting his position re psy assessment for me. My solicitor does not think the courts will agree. He is trying to imply that I am a major fantasist and made the whole abuse scenario up including discrediting my contemporaneous evidence and that I have taught DS to lie too).

He foolishly is trying for residence and claiming parental alienation (son hates his country having only visited once, hates his relatives, does not speak the language and is speech delayed so could not pick it up and went ballistic while out there as he cannot cope with change, he was born and brought up here and only wants to live with mum nr our family).

Yet, EX is intentionally pushing for residence because he knows it will turn on contact and ultimately, he want to maximise that with overnights and long holiday stays in his country. son absolutely opposed to that and would suffer emotional / physical harm all over again. Despite the beatings and after a lot of soul-searching and gaining familiarity with the shortcomings of our system, I ultimately want to offer as many short contact sessions in UK as he is willing to take up BUT NEVER OVERNIGHTS OR NON_UK. How is this likely to go - any tips? Thank you

I am assuming this is care proceedings, in which case you will be automatically entitled to legal aid and should be represented. Even if not involved in care proceedings, you are likely to have representation.

The amount of paperwork generated by your case will run into hundreds of pages - would I be far off the mark if I suggest the court bundle has 4-500 pages?

The reason I point this out is that if you think that you can come on a message board and get some sound advice, from people [some of whom (like me) claim to be legally qualified (but how the hell can you tell?), others claim to be well meaning individuals with personal experience of going through similar cases, others well meaning with no such experience, or others simply with an axe to grind] then you must be bonkers. Speak to your solicitor and barrister if you need advice. they know your case the best. We don't know it at all.

no it is an acrimonious divorce actually but I see what you are saying

dont think you will be able to say "never" to anything. I dont see how you can.

you would have to show willing to allow properly supervised and recored contac tintially and review after a period of time eg six months.

if you have nothing to hide then accept a psych assessment that he pays for !

"personality clash with s37 reporter" doesnt sound good though. you ahve to be very careful to keep alongside the profressionals....

courts wont see him trying to "separate son from his mother" they will see "man who just wants to see his son and build a relationship with him". you have to be careful not to make it about you.

and dodgy hip is not relevant at all...

facts are - alleged abuse (unless there was enough evidence to prosecte/chargehim, in which case maybe differnet?)
father wants relationship with son
son has right to relationship with father
father comes across as lvoing jsut wants to see son
mother comes across as trying to prevent contact
with words like "never"

rather - put forward for supervised and recorded contact in contact centre over period of six m months in UK then review. keep careful records. if ds goes ballsistic in his presence it will be recorded.

ps i am playi devils advocate a bit here and pointing out that a judge who gets case on day will only touch surface of what is going on - and if dad presents really well then you ahave to be very careful how you present.... and making about ds best interests eg psych report on ds saying ds would suffer if saw his dad etc. my papers were much shorter but got one (female) judge who skimmed thru and really gave impression this was aabout bitter ex (me) trying to prevent contact despite clear reaons for supervised contact in all statemetns etc and reports etc (which sol then tried to refer to) which gave concrete reasons why only supervised contact etc.

the bigger your bundle the harder it will be to break it down to bare facts. but you must try and make sure cover statement has the essentials (which can be backed up by hard eveidence) - recent ed psych reports on ds etcetcetc

"accept a psych assessment that he pays for "

I've never subscribed to the view that just because one is asked for, then it should be granted.

he is on legal aid, I have read things about them which make me feel distinctly uneasy. I would reluctantly agree to short sessions of supervised but he does not want that at all (and always pleads poverty at that point despite having sig income from self-employment).

He wants to take DS to his country away from his 'controlling mother' and I can guarantee that he would not bring him back. He does not really give a stuff about UK court orders or UK anything for that matter - he wants to carry on from where he left off and despite knowing how distraught this would make DS, wants to do it MILs way.
The latest is that DS (ASD) does not have SN - it is my goddam awful parenting that has made him that way which is why he is at risk... hence the interim res order application. I feel so harrassed, I am too tired to even express it now. This has been going on for almost a year. Why can't anyone bleed the truth out of him about his behaviour. The s37 reporter (now sacked due to my complaint) was dire and never even had the language skills to communicate with a man with an equally incomprehensible accent. You can imagine how that went. New one is bilingual to some degree though unlike previous one, will visit his flat abroad to assess suitability (cuts? what cuts?).
I stayed and stayed until the relationship reached this leval of decay, forgiving his appalling behaviour, keeping my head down and being sensible, level-headed mummy. The things I have done to bring DS along the spectrum .. and now look. Have they not read Lundy Bancroft's book about sociopaths - he ticks every box, used to admit his tendencies. Why are they putting me under the spotlight rather than the perpetrator? I am the one left in poverty bringing up a SN child, having my daily life interfered with by his emails and calls to all the agencies/ friends DS and I are associated with.

But you havereports on ds needs right? So you don't need to worry about his nonsense over his SEN

Yes, but he is not statemented. I have current psy/speech assessments. He is implying that DS would not have had special needs if it weren't for my over-protectiveness - all nonsense of course. DS would be further damaged psychologically if he had to go back there alone with them. He still exhibits some PTSD when you scratch beneath the surface. I am not interested in contact building up to this. I want it to be defined st there is a bar on how far direct contact would go. He is trying to suggest that I have a personality disorder and blame me within the context of Refrigerator vs. Incestuous mother. §That claptrap is very much the norm in his country.

Well if you keep it at court in uk then that nonsense will mean nothing