Not new on MN but all new stuff for me (sadly): DH and I intend to separate, what's the best way to go about it?

[AllQuietOnThePippisFront]

Meaning this:

It is pretty reasonable and amicable atm (not so naive to think it will last but keep hope). We are thinking to use a mediator to guide us on the various options and what's the best way to proceed. Is that a good idea or should we get our own lawyers. I do want to avoid a litigation process if possible as I saw my parents (and us children) get destroyed because of it, and so does dh (at the moment).
Should we go to see a mediator first and see what he/she advises or is it wise for us/me to get also my own lawyer?

I have been (and am) a SAHM since 2009. house in joint names paid with the sale of our own flats.

TIA

Grr. just lost my post.

If you can remain civil it helps keep costs down and does the least damage to long term family relationships.

At some stage you will need a family solicitor and if you see one early on you should know where you stand and what options there are. The family lawyers organisation, Resolution, has an ethos of dealing with matters in a non confrontational way and there is a list of members on their website. At the first appointment you can satisfy yourself that a solicitor is committed to the Resolution ideals.

Once you have seen a solicitor there is no reason why you can't negotiate between yourselves or with the help of a mediator. It's important to deal with the emotions and practicalities separately, using a counsellor if necessary. If agreement can be reached the solicitor can draft it into a "consent order" which is legally binding once ratified by the courts. Before that one of you will need to apply for divorce.

The alternative is to have a separation agreement. Although this is subject to review it could carry significant weight if there are problems later. The advantage of separation agreements is that something financially can be put in place and the divorce can be dealt with later when emotions are not so raw.

Try a collaborative approach. Go on to this:

www.resolution.org.uk/editorial.asp?page_id=53

There's a good overview of the system on that. It's as close to a happy divorce as you can get.

If you both instruct collaboratively traqined lawyers you can't go far wrong.

Mediation isn't recommended without both of you getting your own legal advice. That avoids either of you having unrealistic expectations. The mediator cannot give legal advice. They cannot therefore recommend a pareticular agreement over another.

Agree with STIDW and Collaborate. Definitely look at lawyers who are members of Resolution.

Thanks you alll. I had already looked at the res website and now I will def get a lawyer from there. I see what you mean re the mediator not been able to give advice, and advice is what one needs as well as knowing the options.
I did see the collaborative approach and sounded good.

Thanks, I will make a few phonecalls.

I have read it all about the collaborative and it sound good. However dh and I are still leaving together and we are unsure whether it is best at this stage that he moves out for a few months, so that we can give eachother a breather, think stuff through, decide what we want out of this and how it will work best, or that we put the house on the market and by two smaller properties and that is it.
Dh feels that renting for 6 months will be a waste of money, poss true, however I feel the whole selling the house is a bit hurried and we may make more mistakes in the long run.

Shall we start this by apt our own collaborative lawyers and discuss this?

I guess at this stage I'd want a sep agreement, to make it official and to make legal, but I am not a 100% sure I can talk divorce. There are so many things to think about right nos that I cannot think so far ahead. AIBU? maybe dh feels that moving into a small flat will be so miserable and that owning his own property from the off will make him feel better and move on easier.

Of course there are the dc, which will benefit from a more gradual process, I believe, being not aware of this future we are planning.

sorry for the confusion, I am confused and lost... what I am trying to say is this the right stage to get collaborative lawyers out?
part of me thinks a bit of couple therapy would help better, if nothing else to clarify what each wants, but since that is not an option for dh, we have to go down this route.

You can sort all of that through the collab process. It's normal to be thinking all of these things. If you both think it's the right way to sort things out you should both appoint collab lawyers. Where are you based?

living not leaving - an obvious freudian slip...

lots of typos there, but never mind that.

I am in North London.

Put your postcode into this and choose away.

www.resolution.org.uk/memberSearch.asp?page_id=64

If you do go for this, do come back here and share your experiences.

I have Done that and emailed some. Will do that!

Thanks. I have sent her an email.

another dumb question: I have contacted quite a few firms by email or by filling their contact sheets and two days later I have only heard from one who charges £200 an hour for mediation services. Is that an average price? He did contact me on the same day, which I liked, but seemed to keen on getting a client too. So I wanted to hear from other ones to commit as one should feel confortable seen that is such a delicate issue as it is. As I have nothing to compare him with atm could you give me your wise opinion please?

Thanks babybarrister,I did that. I have called all the mediator collaborative ones within 10 miles from where I live that were on the resolution website. I do not mind going farthest than this or calling some more. I just wondered if I should give tthose more time, if I should give them a ring instead of emailing or try some others.

NotquitesoDH and I managed to sort it out between us. He was never involved in our finances and knew I wasn't out to fleece him.

I got transfer values for our various pensions, settlement figures for loans and mortgage. We were lucky enough to sell our house within a few weeks of putting it on the market. We added together the proceeds of the sale and the pension values, subtracted the debts and split it so I had a cash lump sum of about 55% of the pot as a deposit on a house. He kept his pensions as he's a lot older than me and not far off retiring.

I even set up the standing order from his account to mine for the maintenance for the kids (20% of income for two of them as per the CSA rates).

I did take all my calculations to a solicitor so that she could check it was fair and produce a separation agreement. I was pretty shocked to receive a bill for over a £1000 for an agreement littered with mistakes. He got it checked by his solicitor but I think it was a waste of money. I'm sure you can download something for free. We never got around to signing it and haven't bothered divorcing yet.

A friend of mine who was divorcing at the same time did the same thing with the finance side and just paid £350 for a divorce through Wikivorce. The court had to rubber stamp the financial agreement they came up with because there were children involved, but it was a formality.

Only you know if you can trust each other to stay amicable, but it's worth a try! Best of luck.

thanks futuremrsclooney.

there is a part of me that thinks we could do this together.our finances are very very straight forward: we have a house with a small mortgage, some savings and a lump of savings which are the dc's.

all I need a solicitor for was to tell us how to split things (as I have not worked since 2009) and what he should pay. (I do intend to work, as I never wanted to be a fulltime sahm but that's another story, but my career has taken a knock whilst his has flourished so a huge inbalance there). I want everything to be fair but I do not want to be left in a dire situation when dh has had all these years to make a good career.

I feel that if not by ourselves, we could discuss everything with a lawyer in one session , since we agree on the children etc. It is at the moment an amicable split.

I think it is best we go to see someone once, so that dh knows that what they say is the law rather than me wanting to get a cushy life with his money (i feel he will be surpried that things may not be 50% and I want to argue about this - in fact I want to avoid further argument) and I know I am getting what I should be getting rather then what dh think I should. I am starting to suspect we have been on a rel tinted by emotional abuse so I want to avoid the pitfall of him making me feel bad and me being nice not to upset him.

Fair is what I want. For myself but also for our future as parents of our children.

sorry does it make sense?

babybarrister suzy has called me. I really liked her. Thanks for the tip.