can I be forced into doing a 3 hour round trip for contact?

[Happylander]

Ex walked out for OW and is now demanding that I drive halfway for drop offs and pick ups. I have not moved away and still living in the house we bought together but he is not paying the mortgage. This means I only have about £150 a month to live on so if I was to do a 3 hour round trip both days then I would only have about £50 a month to live on. I also don't think that my 2 days break from DS should be taken up with a 3 hour round trip plus it stops me from working extra shifts to earn some more money and I would have to leave the Territorial Army as well.

Will I be forced into doing this by a court?

As far as I am aware the parent seeking contact has to make arrangements for it to happen. Could you agree to a drop off point closer to you where he would pick your child up from?

I know of a NRP who pays taxi fare so that his ex can bring their child for contact.

I also refused to use a contact centre that was completely out of my way as I was not prepared to be dragging my children round the east end on a Saturday morning to make contact.

If you refuse make sure you have reasonable alternative suggestions to put forward.

There is nothing stopping him from coming to pick DS up from here like he has been doing although more often that not he has had better things to do with his time than see DS. He just doesn't want to do all the driving as it means him getting up early on the Saturday and getting back late on the Sunday. Makes no difference to DS as he will still be in a car for 3+ hours.

Theoretically yes, you can be forced to do half the travel. In practice, if he was the one to move away, and bearing in mind the other factors, I'd expect a judge to make him do all the travel.

Good because I need to earn some money to buy DS clothes and pay for a camping trip. Ex is now saying unless I drive he will only see DS every other Sunday because he lives 3 hours away now. TBH I would just get rid of my car as I doubt very much it is going to make it through the next MOT and I can't afford a new one and I am already paying off a loan I took out in my name to pay some his debts off and so can't get a loan for another car.

He is refusing to answer any questions about why he is not going to pick him up for overnight contact. I know he is self representing in court so I can't ask his solicitor to ask him these questions on my behalf as he hasn't got one. I have changed DS whole weekend activities to accommodate his every other weekend request and now he doesn't want it anyway.

He has told me that I will be forced into doing this by the Judge again today, that he will win and that I am being unreasonable in not doing it despite the fact he knows the knock on effect it will have plus I am not sure I can survive on £50 a month!

Do you have a solicitor?

Set out the reason why you can't do this and present it in court, I'd also get rid of the car if you cant afford the upkeep.

Tell the courts you would be happy to comply with ex's request if he could arrange a suitable mode of transport, you have not refused contact you personally cannot comply with your ex's wishes as it is not financially or physically feasible for you as you have work commitments.

Ignore him and dont enter into any arguments, he doesn't sound like he will listen to reason.

You can be forced. Whether you will or not is another thing altogether. If he told you the judge would force you to do this by text or email, keep a copy. Whether you're being unreasonable or not is his opinion, which he's entitled to, but it has nothing to do with anything so ignore it.

I beginning to wonder what I did in a past life to keep getting this crap. He walked out for OW, he goes out partying all the time and doesn't see DS if he has a party on his weekend. He gets to have every night free and every other weekend plus hardly sees DS during any of his annual. He wants DS from 0900 Saturday until 18:00 Sunday (I wanted him to have him from the Friday but oh no that would interfere in his social life) but now doesn't want to pick him up so I have to now drive a 3 hour plus round trip both days which means I will not get any real relaxation time or the chance to earn some extra money plus give up my career in the TA and also have the stress of having to survive on £50 a month for food, clothes, other household crap.

I am finding it a bit bloody shit tbh as I only ever loved that man, never did anything bad or horrible to him, never cheated and never lied.

It's easy for me to say I know, but there's no reason to be pessimistic about this. The worst case scenario isn't the same as the most likely one.

I suspect your exH is talking out of his posterior.

Importantly you are making your dc available and encouraging a relationship - in fact have offered more hours that H is willing to take - but due to financial dire straits/lack of car/your commitment to the TA and ex's decision to move 3 hours away, you will not be making the journey. And note any times where he has not kept to contact. I would also be looking into whether ex needs to pay spousal maintenance to help towards the mortgage (depends on circs). Get some proper legal advice.

Some thoughts: He moved away; you're inviting regular access; he should travel to you, especially if that's in dc best interests to reduce their travel time (especially if they get car sick or stressed/upset by the long journey or OW) & in dc best interests because then you'll have more to spend on them.
Have you suggested exH simply drives to you, takes dc out for the day then drops dc home, to halve the mileage. could you suggest it's not in dc's best interests to suffer such a long journey while offering reasonable alternatives?

Oh he wants them over night. I told him today that if he is willing to buy me a car, tax, mot and insure it plus pay for it's petrol and wear and tear then I will do it. Funnily enough he told me he couldn't afford to do that so my reply was well I can't afford to keep my car unless I can work extra shifts when you have our son.

In the next breath he told me the reasons why he could not have DS during his annual leave for more than 5 days of his 3 weeks even on his contact weekends was because he was going away on holiday! Amazing that he can't afford to come pick up DS but can afford yet another foreign holiday.

Them?? I only have one DS LOL.

Well he looked an idiot in court as I was offering more contact than he wanted and both my Barrister and the CAFCASS officer could not believe he had even taken it to court as I could prove he doesn't bother to turn up etc and that he just picks and chooses when he has him.

I do not have to drive and the CAFCASS officer totally agreed with my point of view regarding that. So he has what he had before in regards to weekends but wanted less contact at summer holidays and none at all easter.

What an utter waste of time and it cost me over £600 as I earnt £83 to much in the last 3 months to qualify for legal aid!!

Great to see an update and common sense prevail.

Yes you can be forced to do half the travel. My ex-h moved 70 miles away to set up home when we divorced and for the past 6 years I have had to spend 2 out of 3 Sunday afternoons doing a 3 hour round trip to collect DCs. I work full time as well so losing effectively 25% of the weekend is a royal pain in the arse.

Even worse, as I "get to see" (read: get a frantic hour after work of getting them to find their homework, then do bath and bedtime) the DCs on weekdays, ex-h has 2 weekends out of 3 rather than every other.

Being divorced is shit. I would try not to fight over the things you will have to do anyway in order to be "reasonable".

peppin if you read my update you will see that I haven't been made to drive at all. It is now written into court order that he is responsible for all pick ups and drop offs.

It was worth fighting over IMO.

Why does he not pay you child maintenance?? And it's a shame he wasn't made to meet your court costs too...

He does pay child maintenance however, I have been left paying mortgage on my own and huge loan I took out to pay debts etc as I got a better interest rate than him. I am not fighting over that as it would go on forever and just not worth it.

I know I reckon he should be forced to pay my costs too as there was no need for it as I wasn't stopping contact. He has to pay the victim though and wants to make me look bad. He told so many lies. Never mind it is over now and I am seriously happy he is no longer in my life apart from in regards to our DS.

I hadn't realised you hadn't got a car, in which case obv ridiculous to expect you to drive... butI must say, most people I know have to do half the travelling. I remember what every "point of principle" felt like, but my point re choosing your battles was meant kindly: this man will always be your child's father, whatever you think of him. I still think my own ex-h a completely selfish knobhead but he is their dad and as he likes to make a big deal of everything (maybe a bit like yours?), I try to reserve the fighting only for the really big stuff. Otherwise the DCs would constantly be stuck in a warzone, which is what the end of our marriage was meant to avoid!

Peppin, the Op has got a car, but was considering selling/scrapping it as it wasn't worth the expense and hassle.

My car went bang and died 2 days before it's MOT and tax were due LOL.