ADVICE RQD - Threats of violence via text and verbally

[tipple272443]

Hello,

I have been trawling the net for information on how to deal with a situation but I'm so confused with all the information out there. I'l hoping there is someone with REAL experience of my situation that can help me.

I have recently started seeing a girl (5 months or so) who has a daughter with her ex.

When I started seeing C, we decided to take things slowly and not introduce our relationship to he daughter immediately, and this worked very well. It eventually got to the point where I stared staying the odd night when the wee one was at her dads. And eventually I was introduced to her daughter and we got on like a house on fire.

My girlfriends relationship with her ex ended by her leaving a very physically abusive relationship. Without going into details, it's suffice to say that she should have done it sooner!! Since then he has harrassed her by text, verbally abusing her infront of their daughter and her family, sent malicious texts to her family when they tried to stand up to him. I was made aware very quickly that he would react badly to my involvement with C and her daughter.

It eventually, inevitabley, happened that I woul meet him and on this occassion he saw fit to verbally abuse both of us in front of their daughter and he also caused damage to my car. This was reported to the police and dealt with via a fine and bail conditions.

Then it went very quiet. we thought he maybe woke up and realised that we weren't to be treated like this. He kept a low profile and restricted his texts to issues relating to their daughter. The odd text crept through where he was having a go at C but nothing overly serious.

Until today! My girlfriend had received a number of texts from him basically accusing her of putting me before her daughter and not caring for her daughter right. (A claim, I might add, is 100% incorrect). He also accused her of throwing stones at his window, which is also incorrect. So today we decided to video the collection of C's daughter from her dad's, discretely, to protect ourselves from any further allegations. In the video, he comes from the property and approaches my car, opens the passenger door and talking over my girlfriends face starts to abuse and threaten me with physical violence. he makes reference to his £100 fine and that he'll kick my head in. After we left a text arrived with further threats.

I believe these threats to be genuine and although I am not intimidated by them it has caused a rift between my gf and I as she blames herself for bringing me into this situation.

So the advice I'm looking for is twofold:

1: Do I return to the police with new evidence of harrassment and request that future handovers are conducted in a supervised location to protect both my girlfriend and her daughter, or do I continue to let him intimidate her into making her feel insecure in her own home? (background info - she does not feel comfortable collecting her daughter alone for fear of verbal abuse)

2: How do I get her to understand that I am in love with her and that i am totally willing to support her and her daughter regardless of what threats he presents. I am not looking to replace him as a father but I am prepared to be a mentor for my girlfriends daughter.

Thank you for reading but it's now 4am and I cannot sleep until I get some resolve in this.

Coffee time me thinks! :)

Best go back to the police.

You sound very level headed and your gf is a lucky lady to have such an understanding bf. It's not unusual for your gf to think this way as myself and my partner have exactly the same thing. I constantly say things like ' you could be happy with someone else without all this pain' etc. I feel so bad sometimes that he's had to go through this too. It has made us so much stronger though and we have a fantastic relationship. There are so many positives of having a good male role model for your gf's daughter so carry on doing what you're doing. Her ex sounds like a total twunt though who will alienate his daughter if he carries on like this.
Absolutely yes to handovers at a contacts centre. I can't remember the web address for the naccc but I think someone else will post it or just google it.

Also, do step back & let your girlfriend deal with him & their daughter as your involvement will merely fan the flames. I know you want to protect her but their child together is precisely that THEIR child & they need to decide how to deal with her.

I'd suggest that your girlfriend makes an application for a non-molestation contact order. She can find a specialist family lawyer to help her get one on the website www.resolution.org.uk. She may get her costs paid by the State under the public funding scheme. She can check online on the Legal Services Commission website.

I agree that you should probably avoid any direct contact with him as he's clearly a nut job and your presence is a bit of a red rag to him.

Agree with mumblechum. I'd advise your gf to arrange future handovers through a trusted 3rd party.

Agree with mumblechum & Collaborate

doh. I meant non molestation injunction order not contact. But the injunction can include provision for contact.

we know what you meant
And its only Monday.................

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the words of advice. The update is that my girlfriend wont talk to me about the situation and I feel she is just hoping it goes away. I dont know how to approach her and tell her that burying her head in the sand will only keep him thinking he can bully us and get away with it. i spent a whole day on Monday looking for services that can help her deal with the pressure he's putting her under and have come across uite a few that can help her but she doesnt seem willing to accept the help.

What to do!!????!!??!?!?

I think you can only back off a bit now. Horse to water and all that. By pressurising her to act (even though its the right thing to do re non molestation etc) you are just making life more difficult when she's not able to deal with it as it stands.

Just give her a bit of space to come to the conclusion that she needs to follow the advice here. The problem with people who have been in an abusive relationship is they need to find strength within themselves first to deal with the abuse.

I hope she realises she can trust you and lean on you.

Her ex is clearly psychologically abusive, blames her unreasonably & she may benefit by talking through things with the national domestic violence helpline. If she's not receptive to phoning them, maybe you could pick up a leaflet from the doctor about "domestic violence" & leave it lying around in the hope that she'll recognise her ex's behaviour for what it is.
Also important to get emotional support for the child.
She sound v.lucky to have you!

Mental abuse is such a difficult thing to deal with. I recognise the things you are saying as would my partner. My ex made me feel totally worthless, I still do alot of the time. I don't feel that I am worthy of people's help. The best thing that anyone ever did for me was to make me an appointment to see women's aid. I didn't think I was worthy of their help either, afterall it's for women who've been beaten to a pulp and have physical scars to show and why would I steal precious time away from those women?
When I saw the lady at WA she gave me a sheet of paper describing types of abusive men and it was a revelation, I asked if she'd met my ex because he was described on that piece of paper! I felt so relieved that I wasn't going mad. That's why when I say to people on here what a marvellous organisation WA is I really mean it.
Perhaps if your gf won't speak to them you could give them a call, I'm sure they would help. They could send you some info to leave lying around like optimal said.
Good luck

Hello everyone, Thank you all fro your words of support, advice and encouragement. for those that are interested here's an update:

I could not accompany my girlfriend this Sunday to collect her daughter as I had my own son come to stay so she went with her brother in law. They were subjected to yet more threats but this time towards my girlfriends family and their property. This was the last straw and my girlfriend finally saw that she needed to speak to the police. We went today and both gave statements and showed videos of the incidents. We gave the police all the information (and more) and they said there is sufficient evidence to charge him with breach of the peace. They also advised that C speak to a solicitor about changing the access arrangements and getting something in writing to firm things up. Doesn anyone know a relaible, empathetic solicitor in the West Lothian area??

I think this is the start of a long recovery for C and I am confident that she will come out victorious. We cannot allow him to bully us anymore. Life is too short to waste it worrying about idiots like him! It puts us genuine dads in a bad light!!!

Anyway, thanks again to all who have contributed.

It's good that she's done something butfrankly he's probably just going to be bound over, ie a tap on the wrist.

She really needs to get a solicitor to sort out an injunction for her but I note that you're in Scotland where the laws are different.

You may want to look on the Scottish Law Society website to find a specialist family lawyer.