Reasonable access for 8 month old DC

[Singlemummy2be]

My DP is currently looking at leaving us. We have a DC together and he has a DD from a previous relationship.

DC is 8 months old and he's not been very hands on up to now. He has a half sister who I still want him to have a relationship with. Obviously a relationship with his dad too.

What would reasonable access be? DC is only awake 1 1/2 hours, 2 hours max at a time.

I will point out that I don't want to cut him out of DC's life.

50/50 should be the starting point and work from there. If you work on the basis that you are both parents and both want full involvement you cant go far wrong. It may not be 50/50 at first if breastfeeding though.

50/50 is out as he works 6-6 mon to fri and most Saturdays 6-10.

He wouldn't want 50/50 I know that much.

I thought up till 1or2 years old they recommend little and often.

At the min he hardly see's DC. He's in bed when he goes to work, and in bed when he comes home. DC goes to bed 6-6.30 nothing on earth keeps him up past then. At weekend he spends most of his time on his laptop or in his garage.

Well on that shift pattern, Saturday mornings and sunday afternoons?

That's why I was thinking then his DD can see DC too. Still about the whole situation

Singlemummy just out of interest, what is the deal with his other dd ?

I assume the dd is from a previous relationship. I'd guess his contact with dd is an indicator of how much effort he's willing to put in / time he's not working. How much does he see her, how old is she ?

I'd guess the task in hand will be to get him to re-organize his life to see more of his dc rather than him asking for too much time. :(

He had a fall out with his ex 2 years ago, and she withdrew access to his DD, shes 6. He then HAD to do something so went to court and he has her 3 weekends a month (36 hours in total) despite me trying to get him to see her more. I kinda feel that if he didnt have me and his mum wittering on at him about it he's probably not have taken it to court.

He doesnt seem to cope with children, especially if they need attention. He doesnt really do anything with either of them. Im the one who does everything, I know im the 'mummy' in the house but at the end of the day she's not my DD.

He has said that he would still want me to have a relationship with her (been in her life since she was 2) and she does care a lot for me, as do I her.

Its such a bloody mess :(

Well, easy for me to say, but try and stay positive. If things look dark try and pull up a happy memory / thought. It might be a dreadful mess now but things will get better over time. You certainly need to discuss money issues if you haven't already, both with him and in terms of benefits / tax credits etc.

If he's 'looking' at leaving you, and you can't fix things, well maybe take control of the situation and ask him when he's off so that you can plan your and your child's life.

Even if you stay with each other I'd say he needs to up his game and get out of the bloody garage !

The more I'm on mumsnet the more I despair at my gender.

Do you get on with his mum or his EX ? Would Granny be interested in having her grandchildren much ? Is the other dd a help when she's there ?

i.e. if soon to be X is useless do you have much of a support network around you ?

To be honest, it sounds like he needs a reality check in terms of the energy he devotes to his kids. It can be a steep learning curve for men who are hands off with their kids and just let the mum organize everything. But obviously one needs to want to learn and understand that ones children need a decent dad.

Ex wrote it in the contact agreement that he is to be there for the whole contact so she wouldnt be able to have his DD. I really get on with his mum, she's been really good to me through it all. She lives a fair drive away but she'd always have DS if I needed or I would let her if she wanted.

I have a fairly good support network around me.