custody dispute

[AgaO]

Hi there

I am a single mum of 16 month baby girl; she has been living with me all the time. Her dad and I split when I was 3 months pregnant; never been married and been in a relatively good relationship till recently. He started threatening to go to court for custody ? I never forbade him seeing his daughter and accommodated his needs most of the time; he doesn?t seem to recognise though that I have a right to a life and making my plans especially if he isn?t letting me know in advance he would like to see his daughter. I have always been the primary care giver and I do not feel like I should advise him of my social time table nor do I think it?s right he just wants to come any time to my house whenever he likes or that I should assume he will come every weekend as this is his preferred time. He also seems to think it?s fine to take our daughter out e.g. his place without telling me where that is! I do not know where he is living at the moment. What are his real chances of getting any custody at all if he did go to court? Is there are any criteria he has to meet? He does have parental responsibility as I did want him to be involved in our daughter?s life. What are my obligations towards him re visits and contact with our daughter?
Thanks so much

You need to sit down with him and arrange times and dates when he see's his child. It's down to him where he takes her though, he doesn't need to tell you where they are going. I'd get something in writing, if he doesn't stick to it then it's his problem. Any changes need to be by mutual agreement. He can't just turn up when he likes, it's unfair on you. He can only see your child on the arranged dates. It's unlikely he'd get custody to be honest but there's always one twatty judge.

Sounds like mediation could work for you. Maybe he just needs to realise and understand exactly what you've said here.

I am going to suggest having an agreement in writing I do however forsee some issues as he sometimes just likes being difficult for the sake of it. I just wonder to what extent he is not obliged to tell me where they are going especially if it's someones house etc..I mean if there is no way of me contacting him when he is late for example, which is often the case, and he is not answering his phone - I mean should I not know my daugther's whereabouts?

He shouldn't drop her off late or should call you if he is, it's common manners. This needs to be in the agreement. Mediation is a good plan. If he's unreliable then I'd look into access via an access centre. You drop her off, then he see's her there. He won't like it but at least it's all documented if he fails to turn up and there's no chance he'll drop her off late. He sounds like an arse to be honest.

He is rather mean I have to say, especially now when he knows we are def over an I just won't do things his way. I suggested we should have an agreement in writing and he laughed. I can't make him accept it or sign it, what then? I cannot afford a laywer at the moment, being a single mum is hard as it is, financially and in other ways:(

Is he likely to take you to court? He sounds all bark and no bite. Gingerbread are helpful for advice.

Honestly I don't think he is - he has no financial means to support himself let alone our daughter plus he admited she is hard to cope with especially on her bad days. But I just can't have him upset me and disrupt my life or have my life revolve around times he feels like drop in and see our baby. He made threats which i think are empty words for now, but I just need to be prepared. Thanks for the idea. I am trying every way I can to get some help or info.

It's a hard one. Do you think he just turns up because he wants to see you also? Is there a pattern to this? Are you able to go out during the day?

I am only able to go out at weekends and on wednesdays as I work on other days. I think he used to come more often (as now it's usually once or twice a week) as he wanted to see me to hoping we can get back together. But since it became clear it's not gonna happen he stopped coming regularly, just drops in at the weekends and its usually me wo has to ask when he is gonna come abd what time, now i doubt he is coming to see me as i just leave them two alone and do my things around the house or go out. Well I think I will have to suggest a certain agreement, I have a right to my own life and if he rejects its then at least I will have a proof I tried and he will have to fit in with my plans if he doesn't want to compromise. i know he can deliberately leave me hanging for a week without letting me know he would come and then just text on the day he is coming.

If he sends you a text to say he's on his way over can't you text him back to say you're on your way out? You don't need to say where you're going. Just tell him to come back on his days.

That's what I will have to do. If he refuses to sign the agreement ill tell him I still encourage his contact with our daughther if he gives me enough notice especially if he wants to see her at weekends. If he fails to do that he will just need to come whenever we are back. It will make things a lot worse I am sure and it will get 'messy' as he put it:(

He's just trying to control the situation. Don't ask him to sign, it sounds like he won't anyway. If he usually comes on Sunday morning and sends you a text on Saturday saying he's on his way just text back, tell him you're not in and you'll see him on Sunday at x time as per usual. Give him a timetable of when he's to see dd and tell him clearly that you're both busy at other times.

I think you are right and that sounds like an ok idea. After all he did express his preference for weekend visits so ill just give him times we will be available - one day times of his choice as he always comes at lunch time (couldnt poss make an effort and get up in the morning!) and leaves in time for our baby's afternoon nap. For sunday i can choose a time Ill be in - I think it sounds fair doesnt it?

Sounds very fair. If weekends are the only time that he can see her then it needs to be then.

Well he is unemployed at the moment and has been for months now but yes weekends is the only time he wants to come and our daugher is with her child minder 4 days per week, its just sick..i don't think he is tellin me the whole truth about his life.. many thanks for the chat, Im off home but could write again later if you ever have time to respond:) just feels better when getting even the smallest piece of advice. thank you:)

You're very welcome. I'll check in later.

My ex was a twonk also, there's a lot of them out there.

I bet there are loads of them out there! Until now in spite of me asking he is not able to tell me when he is going to come this sat and he is meant to take our daugther to a 1st bday party and yet hasnt told me when it starts or when its meant to finish or where it is! Its just crazy!!

Keep a diary of when he is supposed to see her, whether he comes on time, when he tries to change things and when she is late back.

Fortunately, at 16 months she won't care if she goes to this party or not.

If he hasn't told you what time he's coming to collect her then don't wait in for him. Give him a cut off time, if he's not at your house by then just go out. You can't put your life on hold for an ex.

yes i am gonna stick to some arranged times and if he doesnt give me any then I will give him times when we are avaibale and he can take it or leave it. But definitely my time off is too precious to be hanging around waiting to find out what his plans are. And will soon start holding on to regular visit times, if he doesnt show up his loss - i made my effort. Plus it just adds up to stability for the wee one. I think I am trying really hard to be accommodating for the sake of my daugther but there is so much you can take..

Good for you!