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Ex H soon to be released from prison - Help and advice needed please.

9 replies

jdgirl · 21/02/2012 10:02

My ex H is currently serving in Indeterminate prison sentence (IPP) with a minimum tariff of 6 years. He is going in front of a parol board in april when his 6 years is up and hoping to be released. I have 3 dds with him (15, and twins 11) obviously he is hoping to resume contact with them. Whilst I am keen for my dds to have the right to see their father I need it to be done in a controlled and proper way.
He is a compulsive liar, manipulative (not to mention a convicted violent criminal) and I dont trust him as far as I can throw him. Before he went to prison he made my life hell demanding money and threatening suicide most weeks.
I want to be pro-active with this situation and prepared for his release.
How do I go about sorting contact centres etc or do I have to wait for him to apply for contact through a court. I do not want him just turning up at the house.
My eldest dd knows her dad is in prison the twins dont. Do I tell them in plenty of time so that they get used to the idea of seeing him (but run the risk of them being disappointed and upset if he doesnt get released) or do I wait until I definitely know he will be released. I have previously thought they were too young to know, although I have never lied to them about his whereabouts, they have just never asked me. They were 4 the last time they saw him and before that contact was very sporadic - they just forgot about him I guess.

By the way when we were together he was a great dad and a great husband, until I found out he was virtually living a double life.
If you have any legal knowledge or just moral support I would really appreciate it.

OP posts:
MrsSquirrel · 21/02/2012 10:41

I don't have any specialist knowledge, but don't want your post to go unanswered.

IMO you should tell your dds that their father is in prison. 11 is not too young to know. Keeping secrets from kids is never beneficial. It's not just the prospect of seeing him, but also the knowledge that their father has been convicted of serious crimes and imprisoned for them. It may be that they need time to process and come to terms with this knowledge. If so, it would be better for them to have time to do that before there is any immediate prospect of seeing him.

I agree that you should not let xh come to your house. You can self-refer to some contact centres, you don't have to wait for him to get a court order. Some info about centres here. You might want to phone a centre near you and talk through your situation with them. There may be a cost for using the centre - it would be a good idea to agree in advance with xh about who pays.

LilacWaltz · 21/02/2012 10:59

You say he's a 'great dad'..... What makes him so?

Fwiw at their ages the dc will be allowed to make up their own minds if there are no welfare concerns. What are your welfare concerns to present to a court?

babybarrister · 21/02/2012 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 21/02/2012 15:18

they a bit old for a contact centre which more geared up to younger kids - but hink about supervised contact in public places initially . with another trusted adult present.

but try speaking to www.naccc.org.uk

your sentence makes no sense "he was a great dad ....til i found out he was a compulsive liar etc..." do you see the irony in saying he was a great dad??!!

he was putting on a front, clearly.
i would not tust him
nor him with the DC
they need to know the truth....

cestlavielife · 21/02/2012 15:19

he ahsnt seen them sice they were four
he "He is a compulsive liar, manipulative (not to mention a convicted violent criminal) and I dont trust him as far as I can throw him. Before he went to prison he made my life hell demanding money and threatening suicide most weeks. "

cant see any "great dad" in that behaviour...

good reason to allow only supervised short contact intiitally like meeting in a cafe

nappymaestro · 21/02/2012 15:26

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jdgirl · 21/02/2012 18:04

Yes nappymaestro that's exactly what I mean my older dd has some fab memories of him. Thankyou to everyone who has posted. I clearly need to address the situation with my younger dds and contact a solicitor .

OP posts:
MrsMagnolia · 22/02/2012 18:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jdgirl · 23/02/2012 09:55

Thankyou mrsmagnolia you have put my mind at rest that at least he will be under strict supervision and hopefully miles away from here. I will look at nacro .

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