loco parentis

[Rudolphina]

My DD went on a school trip for a week, with the DD staying overnight with school for the first time ever. She was very keen on the trip. I sent her with a mobile phone and she called me every night and most mornings. She loved the trip activities but was feeling very lonely, homesick and isolated as it turned out none of her class went on the trip and it was all children from older years (she is in year 5).

She cried most nights saying she wanted to see me, so DH and myself went to see her. Our plan was to pop in and stay overnight for one evening (not with her but in the same hotel) so she could chat to us if she was sad. We had no plans to get involved with the trip or accompany her anywhere, our plan was just to spend a day visiting the local sights, but my DD would know I was there, be less stressed and be able to enjoy the rest of the trip. I only planned to stay one night and leave the next day with her hopefully feeling less lonely and reassured that if she needed us we would be there.

When I arrived at the hotel the teacher in charge met us in an absolute rage (we were stunned). We were told (repeatedly) if we had any contact with our DD, then that would break the 'loco parentis' agreement and we would have to take her home. The teacher was so angry it was beyond belief, saying I should have consulted her if I wished to come and visit.

My DD (who knew we were in the hotel, as we had told her we were going to 'pop in') was told by the same teacher that she was not allowed any contact with us. I spent the night with her on the phone from another room asking why we could not come down to see her.

We actually bumped into each other at one point and she ran away from me saying 'I have been told I am not allowed to see you'. I was quite devastated at this.

I returned home disgusted at the way the situation was handled by the teacher and would like to know if there is any justification for their position?

I have 'popped in' to see her on other school activities, for example there are netball weekends where I pop in to see how their team are doing, buy her lunch and just hang around watching the matches, cheering etc. No one has ever told me before that if I spoke to her then she would have to go home.

I appreciate any advice. My DH is arranging a meeting with the school head about it.

Can't comment on your specific situation but I was at boarding school (I assume from your post that your daughter isn't) and we had very strict rules about contact, particularly in the first 2 weeks of term. I appreciate that to people who aren't familiar with leaving their kids in the care of school it might seem unkind, but the rules were there for the benefit of all, kids and parents alike. First because as a child when you are trying to adjust to being away from home it really is better not to have any contact - that way you focus on your life in the present and forget about home (I know it sounds odd but you really do). Contact with home just reminds you of what you are missing and makes you (needlessly) upset. As a parent, if you are speaking to or seeing a child who is unsettled you will get upset and worried but in fact if the child is focussed on life at school then they really won't be thinking of you, or missing you, except for when they speak to you, so it's better that they don't (again, I know that might sound awful but from personal experience it's definitely true!). Second, whilst your child might be comforted by you "popping in", imagine the effect that has on the other children in the group whose parents can't visit them - they feel neglected by comparison, which is unfair.

It sounds like the school have dealt with this very badly by not making the ground rules clear before the trip, or explaining the reasons for them, but that doesn't mean the rules themselves are wrong.

You got all the answers on your other thread where people didn't believe you were for real. The only mistake of the school was not to tell you plainly exactly what you couldn't do-the reason they didn't tell you was that no one will ever have done it before!
It isn't good parenting and as MrsTeddy said, you had no thought for the other DCs.

She should never have had a mobile, she shouldn't have called and you should have stayed away. Had she been seriously upset the school would have called you and asked you to collect.
You need to apologise to your DD, it must be embarrassing beyond belief, and go into school and grovel-say that you won't do it again. And stop 'popping in' to other events unless specifically invited.
Whichever topic you post on the answers will be the same IMO.

Teacher was right, you were wrong.

You really need to realise this, hundreds of posters on the other thread have already explained why.

When you leave your child with the teachers then they're in charge, whether this is on a school trip or in the classroom. If you'd been allowed to see your dd what would have happened if she wanted xyz and you said yes and the teacher said no.

Can you really not see how it undermines the teacher, would upset the other children who's parents aren't there, unsettle your dd further and makes you look like an idiot?

You really ought to say sorry to the teacher.

If there are school activities that parents are invited to such as netball matches, x-country, whatever then that is totally different.

You are absolutely in the wrong. You need to apologise to the teacher for causing a disruption to both your dd and the school. If your dd is not ready to be left over night then she should not have gone on the trip. However, I have to say that this sounds far more like your need, than your dd's. You should not have sent the mobile phone you should have trusted the school staff to care for your dd and contact you if they needed to. I think you will find that for any subsequent trips or activities, the rules will be spelled out to you extremely clearly. The only reason they weren't this time is because the school would never have expected such ridiculous behaviour from any parents.

Ooh all a bit harsh, she hadn't committed a crime, she's just a mum who cares.

it all sounds a bit odd - ds1 went on a week long trip away in year 5, and the school specifically banned mobiles/contact with home as they said in their experience it always makes it worse, ie the kids only really miss their parents if they talk to them.

so i guess the school could have handled it better in this instance, but if it had been my ds calling to say he was upset, i'd have called the school and asked them what was the best way forward rather than 'popping in'.

So it was a school trip but no other children in her year were there? But they didn't forewarn you she was the only year 5 kid?
And they were allowed mobiles?

And then you went to stay at the hotel?

It's all bonkers. And a recipe for upset. Which is what happened. You need to learn from this. I do feel very sorry for your daughter.

Why have you posted the same story again under a different title?

Slambang: OP started these two threads within an hour of each other a couple of days ago; they are popping up in active convos at different times as they are in different forums with different "rhythms" IYSWIM.

They are however the only two posts OP has made - perhaps a name-changer?

she's just a mum who cares.

And the rest don't?

I'm sorry-some people may see it as caring but I see it as a needy mother who won't let go.
When you have DCs you 'give them roots and give them wings'-it is difficult but you really can't smother in this way and then write it off as 'caring'.
She has also been told by just about everyone that it was unreasonable and so she abandons her posts and looks elsewhere for someone to agree that the school were wrong.

I never said other mums don't care! Just think there are nicer ways of people to put their views across, that's all. Op is clearly upset and I think these forums should offer advice in a more supportive caring way.

Merry Xmas all x

Didn't you start a similar thread about this very matter yesterday?

I think the consense was that you were being unreasonable.

If you look at when the threads were started, this is the original thread. The AIBU thread was the second one. Both from two days ago.

Pretty unanimous advice on both, though.

I think that you have to be a bit harsh-OP used words like 'disgusted' when talking about the poor teacher who has to bear the fall out from it all.
She is in the habit of 'popping in' , so I can only think that people must have been diplomatic in the past-too diplomatic for her to understand that you don't do it to your DC. I think that you have to stop being polite and tell her straight and bluntly.
It isn't that I don't understand. DS2 was dreadful about going away, I have collected him from overnight things at 11pm on a phone call. (they will call you if necessary) and it was very much 'fingers crossed' when I waved him off with the school in year 6, wondering if I would have to do 120mile round trip to pick him up.(he survived and enjoyed it) However, other than telling the staff he was 'wobbly', I left it to them. They were sensibly not allowed to phone and I kept well away.

If she comes back and admits that she was wrong and needs to apologise to the school- I will give caring, supportive ways to manage it-however I very much doubt whether she will ever understand that she was wrong-she doesn't want to.