Parental responsibility and NR parent - how much contact is justifiable between school and DH?Where does the buck stop wrt character assasination?

[petersham]

I am currently divorcing DH after his physical abuse of DS during the Summer. I am a bit concerned because he has been regularly contacting the school and using the excuse that he is concerned about DCS in order to spread malicious and damaging lies about myself/my family/my parenting.

The headteacher with whom he communicates mainly, has never really been friendly with me and sees it as a good opportunity to glean extra insights into my life with the DCs. He is a Jekyll and Hyde emotionally abusive - type who can be very charming and flattering towards women of a certain age. It seems as though they believe him judging by the questions they have asked me several times about my own social life as an adult in my own spare time / support network.

Most recently, the EP came in to assess DS and he was obviously kept in the loop to the extent that he fired off an email to the EP listing his concerns as a concerned parent which she wont show me (there would be a lot of personal criticism against myself in there obv). Despite the fact that he beat DS to a pulp and showed no remorse, it really sickens me that he is presenting himself as a caring, concerned parent who has been turfed out of the family (he refused to seek help and left voluntarily). Why should his views be taken on board?

Moreover, the EP said that she does not normally have to deal with NR parents - cafcass have said that based on DS' account he wont get direct contact anyway.

To what extent is the hush-hush communication with school justifiable given that he has both my own and my solicitor's contact details for updates. Is there an established model out there I could look at?

His main motivation is financial - he is planning to make a claim on my house which I purchased with the help of my mother to which he never contributed financially ever... he has even had the nerve to repeatedly talk about the 'sale of OUR house' in emails. Last week, the school were surprised to find out that he has never paid towards the house stating 'he paid for it didn't he?' The fact that he is much older and publicly charming may be the reason but I don't doubt he has been telling this lie directly.

I do believe that he does not really care less about DCs judging by his indifference (at best), and ill treatment (at worst and often) of them during their lives. But he will use them as a pawn to extract money and continue to victimise me.

What should I do? I have felt frustrated by my legal aid solicitor who is very much in favour of containing the situation rather than protecting our interests. That is the reasons I did not apply for a PS order etc. She couches it in terms of him vs. me as though we are on an equal footing not taking into account how badly we have suffered, the fact that he is trying to financially exploit us and that DCs loathe him and do not want any contact.

As you are married he has PR and will continue to have PR after you divorce. You cannot take it away from him. He is therefore entitled to a say in his children's education. Unless and until there is a court order in place he is fully entitled to communicate with the school. The guidelines issued to schools by the Department for Education say he is entitled to receive information from the school, participate in activities, be asked to give consent and be told about meetings involving your children. They should not show you his emails or letters. Equally they should not show him anything you have written to them.

By the way, the house is an asset of the marriage. The fact that he did not contribute to it financially is irrelevant. It will form part of the financial settlement. That does not necessarily mean he will be entitled to a slice of its value but it must be declared and taken into account.

The fact that he didn't contribute towards the house is in fact relevant. It's one of the factors the court has to take into account under s25 of the MCA.

If there is something on your DS's file at school, as you have PR I'd have thought that you are entitled to inspect it.

Would it be worth your while arranging a meeting with the headteacher to set out your concerns? I'm surprised that they appear to be speaking to your H about things such as your house. That will have nothing to do with your son's education.

Sorry - didn't make myself clear. The fact he didn't contribute financially to the house is irrelevant in terms of whether or not it is an asset of the marriage to be taken into account in determining the settlement. It is relevant in deciding the actual split but it is not the only factor taken into account.

Thought you were slipping there prh! The marital home is always one of the "marital assets" liable, in the first instance, to be divided equally. However by a process of court logic the fact that one party contributed more than another is a factor that can swing the split round again to be unequal.

My solicitor practises collaborative law and has pushed for DH to have contact. She wrote to him saying that I recognised the importance of the children having a relationship with their father . The Dcs don't want this. She negotiated that he should be allowed to call them without monitoring. Obv the Dcs and I had good reason to avoid putting ourselves in this position. It almost forgives the abuse to say 'ok, you've been naughty but here's another chance to prove yourself'. I don't think that this is fair where children are involved and the situation seemed as though it would end in death towards the end. They have been playing up ever since I told them that he would ring them.

I am now feeling that this has jeopardised our position in all ways, as he is obv not going to settle for indirect contact and is already talking of taking them abroad alone to where he has apparently set up home for them and looking so far forward. There is a get out clause should they feel distressed but of course, from his pov, that would necessarily be exercised because of my manipulation of the situation and desire to keep him away from the children.

You need to decide what you want and instruct your solicitor to do as you wish. Your solicitor is there to represent you, and not do as she damn well pleases. The reason she is pushing for contact is because there is less of a chance that it will end up in court.

Make sure you put your instructions in writing, if your solicitor goes off and does something different you can (and should) complain to the Law Society.

How old are your children?