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Original poster

Ex telling lies - can I insist on proof?

21 replies

TunaTiebacks · 22/11/2011 10:59

DS's dad has not seen him for several months, and was due to begin seeing him again, as agreed via his solicitor (I do not have a solicitor at present) one day a week, starting last week. He was due to collect DS at 10am. At just after 9am I got a call from a police officer, stating there was an issue with his car, and he would not be able to continue with his journey today. The officer said ex has asked him to let me know, as ex was busy with the officer's colleague. He was not able to tell me what the issue was. I then heard nothing for 3 days, until ex sent me a text (that I still have), saying that he had been in an accident on the motorway, another vehicle had driven into the back of his car and he had had to be taken to hospital. This didn't really tie in with what the officer had said, and ex has a huge history of lies, but I said nothing to him. I had already sent a letter to ex's solicitor - who acts as a sort of go-between with myself and ex and who had arranged last weeks visit - asking for an explanation. I have yet to hear back from them.

But I have now been informed by a mutual acquaintance, that in fact there was no accident, he was pulled over for no insurance and the police impounded his car. This is almost certainly true, as 2 seperate people have now said that ex has told them this, and it ties in with what the officer said to me. Ex has reason to lie to me, ie he knew I would be cross at him letting DS down again, but no reason to lie to the people he has told about the no insurance.

So now he has lied to me again, when we are supposed to be 're-establishing a workable co-parenting relationship based on trust', and was also intending to drive my son around that day in an uninsured vehicle. Both of which I am furious about. Obviously I am awaiting a response from his solicitor, but what if he lies to them too? Can I reply and say I want proof of his 'accident' as I have good reason to believe that it didn't happen, or will it just be his word against mine?

Grateful for any advice!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 22/11/2011 11:27

If it had been an accident then what proof is there to give?

Has he got his car back? Ime police officers do not call people to explain on behalf of uninsured drivers!

AMumInScotland · 22/11/2011 11:34

YANBU to be irritated at him, he does sound like an arse. But OTOH he did have a good reason for not turning up when expected - he had been pulled over by the police, which you know is true since the policeman called you to say so.

So your worries about him "letting DS down again" aren't really justified, though I can see why you worry given the background.

Him not having insurance doesn't specifically put your DS at risk, though its not a good sign about his being a responsible adult.

I don't think chasing him to prove his story is worth the effort - even if it's a lie, it doesn't justify you not letting him have the agreed access, does it?

Original poster

TunaTiebacks · 22/11/2011 11:46

I think he lies so much that he actually begins to believe them himself, and is incredulous when anyone questions that it might not be true, IYSWIM!

SarahSidle I don't know if he has his car back, he hasn't said. The officer never hinted at any kind of accident, its so hard to explain but the tone of his voice and the way he described it really made it sound as though it was that ex had done something wrong, rather than been involved in an accident, IYSWIM. Also, why would anyone lie (to his friend) and say they'd been done for no insurance if they hadn't? I'm sure that the no insurance thing is true.

It is very difficult to send DS off with someone I know to be an irresponsible liar, whether it's his dad or not! I guess because the solicitors are always saying 'you need to trust him', I really want to use this to go 'SEE! This is why I can't trust him!"

OP posts:

Original poster

TunaTiebacks · 24/11/2011 21:40

Anyone? Just want to know if I'm within my rights to ask for proof or whether I'll be told to get over it!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 24/11/2011 21:46

I think 'proof' is pointless, you can't make him turn up anyway.

Id forget it and shrug it off, he's fairly clearly an arse.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/11/2011 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoughShooting · 24/11/2011 21:51

You could, I suppose, tell the solicitor that the police officer told you it was an insurance matter and made no mention of an accident, and this does not match to your ex's text, and therefore you feel untrusting towards him. But, you'd be lying, and I'm not sure what it would achieve! Proof of an accident is awkward, not sure what you'd be after exactly.

Think you just have to be aware of what you're dealing with, and not get your ds's hopes of a visit up until it's actually happening.

It must be very hard for you, dealing with someone you know is an lying arse but who doesn't see themselves as that.

nocake · 24/11/2011 22:29

There seems to be little point in asking for proof but you could write to his solicitor saying that you know he lied and it is making it very difficult to trust him. You could also say that you're uncomfortable letting your DS go in a car with someone who is happy to drive with no insurance. It may not do any good now, although hopefully his solicitor will kick him up the arse, but it's protection against future problems.

cestlavielife · 24/11/2011 22:55

do you know for sure it was police who called you? did you get a name and a number?

Original poster

TunaTiebacks · 25/11/2011 00:09

I don't know 100%, it sounded legit but who can say! The officer gave me a name but I didn't get chance to note it down, no idea mow what it was The weird thing is he DEFINITELY said he was from Sussex police, when ex is saying accident happened in Swindon, which is nowhere near sussex! So I'm confused. I know I can't keep him away indefinitely, but I really am having trouble with the fact that he was planning to drive my son around in a vehicle he knew wasnt insured. It's just lies upon lies upon lies. Far too much to list here, I could fill a book. I just don't know how I can ever get to a point where I trust him when all he does is lie, and lie some more when he gets caught lying! Arrrrrgh. No idea what to do next.

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 25/11/2011 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZillionChocolate · 25/11/2011 07:14

There needs to be a reason to supervise contact. This latest incident doesn't warrant it.

I don't think your asking for proof will go anywhere. If contact will involve your child going in a car, perhaps you should ask for evidence that it is insured.

Original poster

TunaTiebacks · 25/11/2011 08:52

I have tried to deal with him myself for over 2 years, but it has been like banging my head against a brick wall! Every time I think I've got through to him about the need for consistency, a week or two later he starts again. DS is far more upset and unsettled by seeing him sporadically than he is by not at all, so I finally snapped and told him unless he made a firm and fixed arrangement for contact, he could forget it. He didn't like that, so he went to solicitors, who have told him he needs to make a firm and fixed arrangement! So yes, it has been expensive for him but it's his own fault!

I don't think I want supervised contact, as silly as it sounds I do trust him not to harm DS. It's everything else he cannot be trusted with! I probably just need to get on with it. But every time it feels like we make a little bit of progress, like him agreeing to regular arrangements via his solicitor, something else comes along to remind me what a liar he is and I find it impossible to trust a word he says.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 25/11/2011 12:00

i dont think your police man was a policeman
perhaps the whole thing is fabricated.
what he told the people who know him is fabricated.

for whatever eason he has made up a story.

you could give his number plate to police and say you believe he is uninsured and rvigin your ds around - they can easily check it out online - but if he finds out it was you this will just look vindicitive.

why did he not see ds for few months?

jsut leave it - it doesnt matter the reason why he didnt turn up - unless he sends you concrete proof of what happened jsut assume he lied and was elsewhere with soemone else doing something else - if you make an arrangement with him - be prepared for him not to turn up.
give him three chances to turn up - one he has blown.

two more chances.
keep records. jsut elt solicitor know "ex did not turn up as agreed on xx date at xx time; i received a phone call from soene else alleging he had car issues however i have no proof of this. "

then just dont make any more arrangements. not fair on ds to keep being let down

cestlavielife · 25/11/2011 12:01

you dont need proof of anything - as far as you concerned - you ahd an arangement to see DS - he didnt turn up. end of.

burden is on him to show proof of why he didnt turn up - if it comes ot court .

Original poster

TunaTiebacks · 25/11/2011 12:33

Well he didn't turn up this week either, no call or otherwise to explain! So I guess that's one chance left. You're right about keeping full records, I did used to but have let that slip a bit in recent months. He just makes me so cross, wish he'd just bugger off completely rather than keep messing about blowing hot and cold the way he does. He didn't even send DS a birthday card til 4 days after the birthday, and then it cost me £1.12 to get it as he didn't put enough postage on it. Thankfully the CSA are dealing with the money now, as he only pays that when he feels like it as well.

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 25/11/2011 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TunaTiebacks · 25/11/2011 18:09

Because his mum pushes him to, as her only route to DS is through him. She burned her bridges with me a long long time ago. Left to his own devices I'm sure he would have disappeared long ago.

OP posts:

yummymumsie · 26/11/2011 08:53

I'm in a similar boat. My ex has taken me through court for 2 years for contact and now it has come to it he has made excuses not to come. It is very obvious that his parents have pushed the whole thing and have made the situation so much worse and even frightened the dc. There was a report in the news recently that said it was not uncommon for grandparents to cause trouble in separations. I am sympathetic to my ex in laws but I think they have lost sight of whats important.
Good luck tuna, I feel your frustration

Original poster

TunaTiebacks · 27/11/2011 02:16

Weirdly I have a fab relationship with ex's dad and partner, they see DS all the time. It's ex's mum that is the sticking point. I find myself wishing they'd all just disappear! Sorry to hear you have similar issues yummymumsie , it's not much fun is it. I wouldn't be without my DS for the world but the thought of 15 more years of this (at least!) fills me with dread. It's been easier for me until now as DS has been too young to question the situation but it gets harder every time. TBH if he can't / won't be consistent I wish he'd just fuck the fuck off

OP posts:

tabbythecat · 27/11/2011 10:31

you have no right to ask for proof of what happened. Keep a contact (or non-contact diary) and see how things go. The fact that the car is uninsured does not make the car unsafe. What may make it unsafe is it having no MOT which may mean an unroadworthy car. Ask for a copy of the MOT to be sent to you. I think its reasonable to say your child shouldn't be driven around in a car that may be unsafe and I think his solicitor would think the same , and it is of course illegal.

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