Probably dumb question about DV with emotional and verbally abusive OH, 4 kids, EA to them too

[foolonthehill]

OK; Realised in EA/VA relationship after 13 years marriage and 4 children (clearly the lights were out for a long time!)
Asked OH to move out, eventually he did.
me 4 children in marital home (joint mortgage approx joint investment in the property) no other significant assets.
Husband EA and VA to children as well as me.
he says if he is not back by Christmas he will sue for DV and custody (he is musician works around globe but intermittently).
I qualify legal aid (higher and lower) he for legal aid lower but his sol does not take LA ..so he's paying (from joint account)

are there advantages to suing him rather than letting him sue me for DV? ( I originally said i wanted him to do anger management and Abusers course then see about what could/would work). What to do about EA/VA and kids???

When you say DV, I presume you mean divorce? Only it can also stand for Domestic Violence, and that would be v different obviously...

Yes sorry divorce...trying not to make title too long. There has been a little violence but not documented and not much compared with emotional and verbal abuse, and all to me wheras emotional and verbal to children too.

firstly you must sort out separate finances and not maintain a joint account, unless he is the only one paying into it?

He hasnt a cat in hells chance of full custody and residency while he is here and there around the world, and unless you are a proveably bad mother a court is unlikely to turf you out and move him back to the FH. The children would also be given a say if they are old enough.

Consult a solicitor about the outcome re the FH should a divorce take place. I hope you would get a larger share because you have the children residing there with you, but unless you discuss the financial side as well and hopefully have a financial plan in place, divorce may make your situation more complicated.

thank you

We unfortunately have an offset "oneaccount" mortgage/current account where we both pay in and the balance helps to reduce the interest owing..but leaves a great big hole where either of us could borrow against our home up to our mortgage limit...would not ruin us as there is a large amount of equity but obviously not a nice thought!!

There may be a slight advantage in being the petitioner to the actual divorce but it doesn't make that much difference. Contrary to what many people think conduct rarely makes any difference to the financial settlement. It is best to crack on with the divorce in the least contentious way and save your time and energy for sorting the finances and arrangements for children.

Evidence from impartial professionals, such as teachers or social workers of abuse causing harm or risking harm to children is balanced against the strengths of maintaining a relationship with a parent, including if necessary measures that might be put in place eg handing children over somewhere neutral and public like a supermarket car park or by a third party; unsupervised, supervised or observed contact at a contact centre; parenting classes or DV programmes; and indirect contact through letters, internet and phone.

If there are very low levels of abuse and no/little evidence you can't really insist upon your ex attending any programmes and normal contact is likely to go ahead. You won't want the situation to overheat in front of the children though and if possible it would be reasonable to meet somewhere neutral for handovers or organise contact so that the picking up and dropping off takes place at school.

thank you