Not returning on time after access

[CardyMow]

Ex-H had DS1 for the first half of half term. He had agreed with me to bring him back at 1pm today. So I made access arrangements with my Ex-P to meet him at 2pm (a bus journey away) for access with DS2 and DS3.

At 12.22 I received a phone call from Ex-H. He said "As I am punishing DS1, is it OK to bring him back a bit late". I replied "NO, as I already have other plans, he MUST be back on time". Ex-H said "OK" and hung up on me.

Now Ex-H only lives a 15 minute walk away from me, if he had left straight after the phone call, he would have had DS1 back on time. He didn't.

I had no phone credit to ring anyone. Ex-H didn't bring DS1 back to me until 1.25pm. I was meant to be on the 1.05pm bus. Obviously, I was cross, because I had expressedly told Ex-H it was NOT OK to bring DS1 back late. When he eventually strolled up, I admit I raised my voice, and said "I TOLD YOU that DS1 HAD to be back on time". He turned round to me and said "Do you expect me not to punish him?". I then said "NO, I expect you to return him on time, your access arrangements are NOT the only access arrangements I have to keep".

He started calling me B*@&h, and calling me a liar - in front of 3 of my dc. I then found out that as he had been so busy punishing DS1 - he hadn't even given him LUNCH. So I then had to run indoors and make DS1 a sandwich to take with us on the bus, making me EVEN LATER.

THEN I got shirty phonecalls from my Ex-P (DS2 and DS3's dad) about being late for HIS access. .

What do I do about making Ex-H bring back DS1 at the arranged time, no matter whether he wants to piss about making DS1 write 100 lines. He just totally ignored me asking him to return him on time on the phone, and did what he wanted ANYWAY.

The additional problem is that I am totally unable to get a family law solicitor - Ex-H has blocked 2 firms (conflict of interest), Ex-P has blocked 3 firms (again conflict of interest), and MY old solicitors no longer takes legal aid. There are no more family law solicitors in my town, and as I am a lone parent with 4 dc, and cannot drive (disability), I cannot get to another town to use a solicitors there, and cannot really afford to pay privately for a solicitors to write Ex-H a letter (on benefits).

WTactualF do I do?? I cant help but make contact arrangements on the same day sometimes, as I have to work around Ex-P's JOB. Not that Ex-H would understand what a job is, as the workshy eejit hasn't worked in 9 years...

This is just the tip of the iceberg - but as I can't get a solicitor, I have been kind of letting it drift for a few years, but it's got to the point where Ex-H thinks he can do whatever the fuck he likes, no matter what the access arrangements are. With no comeback. He thinks he can just ignore me, and do things the way he and his new partner want, and fuck what ever I have to do, because I'm "just a liar".

I don't know how feasible it is to use a solicitor who is based a bit further away and then rather than have meetings with them face to face, have telephone meetings? I know of someone who has been through three solicitors and none of them were particularly local to her.

What good will a solicitor do? A letter from them will mean nothing. The only use one would be is if you are taken to court.

Could you try mediation? Again, not legally binding, but might work?

HAhahahahaha to mediation. Ex-H refused to go because I will not allow his new partner in the mediation room to bully me and shout over me and call me names. As I am never going to agree to HER being present - HE will never agree to going through mediation.

Whatever you get in the way of solicitors, your ExH has to accept that he can pass punishments over to you to fulfil (and not not feed a child, which is not kind).

How did the conflicts of interest come about? Did your exes just see all the solicitors they could, for an initial consultation, thereby "contaminating" them?

So where do I stand LEGALLY if I let DS1 keep going to Ex-H's for access, and Ex-H KEEPS refusing to bring him back on time? It is complicated by the fact that DS1 is 9yo and WANTS to continue to see his dad - so I can't just stop access until Ex-H goes back to court.

Do I just have to put up with Ex-H returning DS1 whenever he feels like it? Even if it is 4 hours late, or a day late, or a week late? At which point can anyone LEGAL do anything to MAKE ex-H bring back DS1 on time?

Mostly, yes - except Ex-P (Ds2 and DS3's dad) actually got sacked by one because they felt HE (my other ex) was so unreasonable they couldn't continue to represent him...

plupervert - but of course, I'm a liar, and wouldn't punish DS1 appropriately. I have listened to what DS1 got punished for today - and I am 99% sure DS1 DID NOT do what Ex-H was punishing him for. So, no, I probably wouldn't have punished DS1 to my Ex-H's satisfaction. I don't believe that making a 9yo write 2 and a half sides of A4 paper as lines because of an argument between DS1 and Ex-H's new partners' DS that of course was all DS1's fault (couldn't POSSIBLY be six of one and half a dozen of the other...) is a NORMAL punishment that fits DS1's so-called crime.

Ex-H and I have VERY different ideas on child-rearing - that became apparent as soon as we HAD DS1, we were separated by the time DS1 was 9mo.

Oh, dear. Sorry, then, for the suggestion: just the sort of reasonable suggestion which must make you even more frustrated!

Would it be possible to look at it another way, getting your Ex-P, who has representation, to have the go at your Ex-H, given that it is not you who are blocking his access (and surely someone with 2 children and a job outranks someone who has one child and no job so should be more flexible). I appreciate that that could make things more difficult between you and ExP, but then again, maybe not. ExP has already felt the inconvenience of ExH's arsing around, so it may actually seem sensible to gang up on him?

Even with a court order, coming back a BIT late, would not be seen as worth returning to court over. But if he took him for a week you would need to get a residency order.

If any one of you uses legal aid,then mediation before court is standard practice now

You need to get both dads to do collections FROM you to avoid this again

Tiff my thoughts exactly.

OP, Why should you & the por DC's have to go traipsing around town for access visits?

Say they are welcome to visit & take their respective DC's out but you cannot keep loading you all on to a bus.

I'm sorry but I don't think a court would take kindly to be asked to sit because your ex was 25 minutes late returning your son.

Could you exP come and pick his children up when he has contact? Do either of them drive?

Ex-P can't do collection FROM me, as I have to be present at his access because DS3 is BF and cannot drink from a bottle for MEDICAL reasons - until he has had an operation that could take a few months to get done or more but I am trying to look on the bright side.

Ex-P IS going to send a solicitors letter - for two reasons. One, he missed some of HIS access, and two, Ex-H called me names and swore at me in FRONT OF EX-P's DC.

Ex-P does come to my house for 99% of his access to DS3 - but as it was half term, he wanted to take the dc to a soft-play hell area, and because of DS3's medical issues, I have to be present. Like a human bottle if you will.

Ex-H IS meant to drop DS1 off at mine. I was waiting at the end of the street from 1pm as I needed to catch the 1.05pm bus. Which didn't happen.

How would court-ordered (through legal-aid) mediation work, if I refuse to have Ex-H's new partner in there, and Ex-H refuses to be present WITHOUT his new partner?

Ex-H picked DS1 up from school on Friday. Half of the school holidays means that as his weekend was at the START of the holidays, he got the first half of the hols this time, thus Ex-H NEEDED to drop DS1 off at mine. We avoid a LOT of pick-ups and drop offs by doing what the court said - doing it through school pick ups and drop offs. Thing is, that doesn't work in the holidays - and on our court order, it states "Holiday access should be arranged in advance, half of all school holidays, drop-offs by agreement". So, he is basically court-ordered to bring DS1 back at the time we have agreed - not whatever time he bloody feels like!

Nope, NEITHER of them drive. Ex-H because he 'doesn't believe in cars'. Ex-P because he has LD's and has never managed to pass his test.

I don't drive because I have uncontrolled epilepsy, and am not LEGALLY allowed to hold even a provisional driving license.

BTW - you kind of get used to traipsing around on buses when you KNOW you will always have epilepsy and never be able to drive again. Especially when it's been almost 8 years since you were diagnosed and had to surrender your license, and you've never been seizure free quite long enough to get it back.

How long is too long for Ex-H to keep DS1 over and above his contact times? And does the problems it causes ME or my other NRP not matter?

Ah - plupervert. Ex-H does have other dc. He has a 2yo with his new partner, she is also pregnant. Also Ex-H's new partner has a 6yo DS (who has SEN) with HER ex. We live on the same housing estate as each other, but about a 15 minute walk away from each other.

Ex-P lives an hours' bus ride away from where I live as it was the only place he could afford when he left me.

So Ex-P works, has strange shifts, has further to travel, and cannot (for medical reasons) have access to DS3 without me there due to DS3's medical issues.

Ex-H lives a 15 minute walk away from me, and has his pregnant new partner who doesn't work either to look after his other dc while he drops off our DS1.

Is it fair for Ex-H to make access harder for Ex-P?

"doesn't believe in cars"

I do hope he puts some of this pig headedness tin-hat wearing sort of stuff in writing. Especially insisting his partner be there (he isn't married to her, is he?). Is he claiming not to be legally competent and to need to give her power of attorney for everything, abdicatingd responsibility for his own actions? It's absurd.

It all sounds very Kafka-esque - sorry

Kafka-esque? You lost me there?

No, he's not claiming not to be legally competent - just that as she is his stepmum (they aren't married) she has a 'right' to be involved in any and all discussions that are about THEIR family.

It seems like Ex-H and his new partner (mostly HER) veer from thinking that they wants to have full custody of DS1, stop him from seeing ME and write me out of his life totally, to thinking she sees DS1 as a major inconvenience to her little family.

And yes, my Ex-H IS a tin-hat wearing twat of the highest order. I actually GUFFAWED when he said he 'didn't believe in cars'. There's a lot of reasons we are no longer together - this is just one of many. .

And no, he isn't daft enough to put these things in writing. Which is bloody frustrating.

NO. I have tried once to do mediation with her. They also INSISTED that I came alone, with no-one to support ME. It ended with me walking out of the room in tears because she would NOT let ex-H talk, she kept calling me a lying bitch who should just kill herself so their family could get on with what they want. The mediator, quite plaintively, said "Well, now, that isn't the way to talk if you want to come to a compromise, is it".

Ex-H's new partner responded with "We aren't here to 'compromise', we are here to get her (said with a sneer) to do as we tell her".

I hardly think mediation is going to work under those circumstances, do you?

Third party handovers and contact centre for ex p?

How did the new partner react to not being allowed in the court room?

She hurled abuse at me from the moment she saw me until I went inside the court room and from the moment I exited the courtroom until I went out of sight / earshot. As she wasn't IN the building, the court officials could do nothing about it.

No chance of a contact centre, I would imagine - he isn't a risk to DS1.

mj - DS3 has never gone more than 2 hours between feeds, he is 9mo. He is a very inefficient feeder, and when I saw the GP who has referred him, she said she has NO idea how I am managing to bf - I do - my nipples are ripped to bloody shreds, but as the only other option is for him to get no milk...I manage.

Often he has a 35 minute feed, then needs another one 45 minutes later. Day and night.