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Legal matters

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Original poster

Advise on moving/children please

14 replies

brickwallspringstomind · 25/05/2011 14:22

Hi, going to try and be quick here.

Divorced from DD's dad 5 years ago, we currently have 50/50 access, DD's with me mon,tue,wed till 1pm, then with their dad wed.thurs,fri then swap weekends (me one, him next). I have been seeing someone for 2 years now and we are ready to move in together then planning to marry. I am in council house, he owns a home (20 miles away). Can I move with DD's ands in-role them in new school?? and change care to with me 5 days a week? or would I have to make the 20 mile trip mon,tues,wed to take dd's to school and 20 miles back? I understand X can take out Prohibited steps order to stop me does anyone have any experience with these?

OP posts:

Collaborate · 25/05/2011 15:28

You can't change school without his consent. If the distance makes it all unworkable you'll have to either agree who cares for the children full-time or a judge will have to decide which of you should be the primary carer.

perfectstorm · 25/05/2011 16:00

This isn't a legal point... but if you have 50/50 shared care, and it works well and they are settled in their home town and school with friends etc, and you want to move away - might it not be better for your new partner to sell his place and move somewhere closer to your kids? It seems a bit harsh on the kids, when they have such an ideal set up (and I really, really admire you for making that work - must take a lot of effort and patience on your part) to lose so much. And if your ex is the one who could keep them in their current area/schools etc might you not risk him being awarded primary care, and you just every other weekend if it went to court? I mean, 40 miles in a car half the weeks would be so exhausting, and also rule out a lot of their casual social lives as well.

Original poster

brickwallspringstomind · 25/05/2011 16:04

Thanks for that Collaborate, I hear that the courts prefer the 50/50 split these days so it would be a battle I do not really feel strong enough to take on. The divorce was bad enough. 20 miles doesn't feel that far but DD's might find have to leave the house 35 mins earlier in the morning hard work. Arrrrggghhh what to do!

OP posts:

MovingAndScared · 25/05/2011 16:08

could your partner rent his house out maybe? seems a shame for you to loose your council house

Original poster

brickwallspringstomind · 25/05/2011 16:10

Perfectstorm, yes It is very hard work, my ex and I talk.....just!!! the children are settled and I have always done my best to put them first. My biggest fear is that I take on a battle that I am going to lose. My dd's mean the world to me and I miss them soooo much when they are at their dads. I think we will have to come up with a different solution, The selling house has been discussed but the house prices closer to me are so high, we might be able to make the drive a bit easier for the DD's through.

OP posts:

Original poster

brickwallspringstomind · 25/05/2011 16:12

movingandscared, Are we able to do this? I just thought it wasn't an option.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 25/05/2011 16:34

I admire you for that. Believe me - I know way too many people who wouldn't ever make this sort of arrangement function, and the emotional cost of achieving it has to have been high on you, just as the rewards will probably have been for the kids. I really hope you can manage some kind of compromise.

Might it help if you approach your ex and ask if you can meet for a coffee, and then set out that you want to work out how to manage this change so the kids are affected as little as possible? If you start the ball rolling in a positive and co-operative way maybe he will be willing to be helpful, for their sake? I mean, if you can do the split so you always have them for wed evenings to the weekends, for example (with him getting some full weekends and you some so as to be fair with that) then they only ever have thurs and fri with the full commute. I don't know, I just think it might be worth a shot, and if he knows you aren't trying to remove them from his fully shared care he may be a lot less obstructive.

perfectstorm · 25/05/2011 16:36

As in, one week you have them from wed evening to mon am, and then the next just wed to fri am (my maths is shaky so apologies if those add up incorrectly, but you get the drift).

perfectstorm · 25/05/2011 16:39

I've just seen that that's more or less what you already do. I don't think a 35 min commute two days a week is the end of the world, tbh. There are book cds and so on you can use in the car - and cars can be nice talking time, anyway. We moved across London when I was a kid and due to rush hour our commute was like that. It was okay; I was usually so tired after the CM that I just vegged anyway, and if you are collecting them at 3.30 that is a lot of day left after the drive.

Original poster

brickwallspringstomind · 25/05/2011 20:28

I suppose your right, most of the book cd type things are over 35mins long anyway. It would be nice to be able to spend time with them without the interruptions of Nintendo and club penguin.I do all of the drop off and pickup's whihc involve the x anyway so wont effect him anyway.Thanks for listening and giving your advise perfect storm your as star :)

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 25/05/2011 21:34

Honestly, it's nice reading a post by someone who wants to make their kids' relationship with their dad a full one (and a dad who wants that, too). It's depressing how many people I know where one parent doesn't bother or the other obstructs. And yeah, a car drive for a kid after school can be quite relaxing, in my experience, if they don't get carsick. Wind-down time. As long as you bring water and snacks and they have books, and can talk to you, it isn't that long a journey really. Hope it works out for you, whatever happens.

MovingAndScared · 26/05/2011 09:03

Hi - not sure what isn't an option -
providing your DP gets permission from his mortage company he can rent his house out -depends on his mortage deal of course but most companies are pretty good about it these days
and I think I would check with council/take further advice - as I am not expert at all before you do anything - but I can't see how they can ban you from having a partner living with you in your current house - what would likely change is your benifits if you are getting any - as your partners income would be taken into account - but that is the case whereever you live

Original poster

brickwallspringstomind · 26/05/2011 10:44

Thank you both of you. MovingAndScared I will phone council and ask. We are not going to rush into anything so I have time to explore all our options.

OP posts:

MovingAndScared · 26/05/2011 11:11

good luck - also impressed with how are approaching it
and if it is possible it would reduce disruption to your DD -aside from the ex issue and I think - just in case things didn't work out with your DP - at this stage it would do no harm to have both properties as an opition

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