residency order

[stressedatbest]

Hi there.

I have concerns that my ex is going to push for shared residency ( 50-50) for my almost 4yr old dd. We currently have a twice weekly overnigght contact, and I am happy to be flexible about more, but he is becoming increasingly overbearning about more contact, more holiday time etc and demanding that I seek his permission over every aspect of DD's life. He is being advised by someone, as he deals with me in an intimidatingly 'legal' way and I'm terrified he will eventually take me to court. I know this isnt a lot to go on - but can anyone here tell me if 1) he could be entitled to 50-50 arrangement ( I dont believe this would be in her interests, we live 17 miles apart, she is in school, has a childminder, friends, hobbbies on set days etc). 2|) do you think there is any value in me applying for a residency order so that I can have peace of mind?
Thanks for listening.

Quick answer:

1. The distance is a problem for shared residence.
2. No need.

Collaborate - thank you.
Can I ask though why you think there is no need? Am I not then vulnerable to him applying for a residency order and being granted it? I am so stressed at the min with regards to his increasing demands for information, permission regarding DD and the fact is, I believe that both he and his wife would be able to make the shared residency work on a practical level. Would he still then be granted it if he could prove to that he would be willing to make it work? I worry he will take her from school. What would I do then with no residency in place?

sorry to bombard you:(

No need because unless someone takes it to court then the present arrangements will remain. Only the person who wants to change those arangements should be applying to court.

Why do you think it would work on a practical level bearing in mind the distance between you? How far do you both live from the school? You wouldn't want a 17 mile trip to school where I live. It would take an hour and a half. Would they be able to collect her from school at the end of the day? Do you work? Would you need to put her in afterschool? He'd have to pay for afterschool on the days he needs to use it. How about school uniform, homework etc. Shared residence orders that give an equal split of time work best the closer the parents live to each other. 17 miles is, IMO, too far. Others may disagree though.

I live 0.2 miles, although my dd is in after-school care until 5ish as I work full time. Ex does as well, although his wife does all the pick ups/drop offs so his demands on me are only in relation to what his wife is able to do - he would not ( and has not) be able to insist on what he has been recently if he did not have her to support him in his endeavours. They have her overnight once a week and once at weekend at present, they seem to be managing the current situation well enough, get her to school on time etc no problem.

I am increasingly worried about new demands for half of school holidays. DD used to go a day or two in the half terms, and 4-5 days in the easter/christmas ones, but now he wants more. Before I get flamed, I'm not trying to obstruct him, its that traditonally I always flew to visit my parents in this time and now finding that I cant/its more difficult. He has also started saying im not to make any changes whatsoever to dd's life/arrangements/travel without his permission. I feel intimidated.
Is this the case, do I need to give him all this information?

If he has PR he is entitled to a say in her education, medical treatment, etc. You also need his agreement before taking your daughter out of the country, although he cannout unreasonably withhold permission.

Having PR does not mean that he can control the minutiae of your life. When she's with you, you do what you want. Same applies the other way round.

Courts increasingly like to split holidays equally.

How long does it take for them to drive her to school? Whilst they might cope, is it ideal?

What about your daughter's school friends? Do they live local to you? Does she see them after school?

I agree that the mid week visits aren't ideal, as dd is tired, but he insists on it and I can see that he misses her. The issue I have is his sudden inflexibility on the whole thing. I've (very) occassionally to skip or swap the mid week visits as she has been invited on a playdate or she hasnt been well - and he goes crazy. I am no longer allowed to make decisons for my infant that I believe are in her best interests.
DD's little friends all live in our village. She sometimes sees them after school. Other local mums often organise things like picnics, walks etc in the summber months after school. He wont permit these on his day.

The arrangements aren't for his or your benefit, but for your daughter's.

If they're not ideal and her schoolwork suffers because she's too tired, you might want to think about changing the midweek arrangement, but you'd need to check with the school to see if they've noticed a difference the day after she's with her father. One day a week might not have as much of an effect as 2-3 days a week.

Hi stressedatbest,

I think it would help you to seek some legal advice - at least to help either reassure you or try to help prepare you in case he does push legal proceedings.
I agree totally that it wouldn't work in the best interest to have a 50:50 share particularly given the distance from school, etc, but getting some legal advice might help to put things in perspective & have you forearmed if you ex decides to go further.

Can you apply for legal aid or will you have to pay for a solicitor?

Thank you all for your replies. I think I will seek some legal advice. I'd have to pay as I work full time and earn a decnt salary. I feel so intimitated by the whole thing... he has put a stop to things me like collecting her from the childminders on 'his day' incase it confuses her. ( I can get there at 3.30 sometimes, he can get there at 5.30pm) He says she should only see one parent in any given day so that she knows where she stands. I just cant bear all the sudden rigidity.:(

Don't listen to him. He's bullying you. He knows what hes saying is getting to you. The more you accept what he says the worse it will get & he knows that you're afraid of it all going to court.
Take the bull by the horns, go to a solicitor, get advice & feel more secure in yourself. Then I hope you'll feel better able to stand up for yourself. If you want to pick your child up from the nursery, you've every right to. Don't just accept what he says. You know whats right for your child, and for you. Fight for it.

Why are you collecting her from the Childminder on his day ? You should be having a break and be sat with your feet up and a glass of wine, it's his day let him rush around to collect her.

Collaborate,

Sorry but distance is not an issue for shared residence. There is well established precedent for these orders across jurisdictions and internationally.
OP, Shared Residence does not mean 50/50 or anything like it and you need not worry as a court would only grant such an arrangement by consent. Alternate weekends, a mid week and half of holidays is the most he would get in court.
PR does not give him the right to interfere in day to day care; neither does Shared Residence. As the parent with whom the child spends the majority of his/her time, you still have the status of primary carer.
The template established for the exercise of PR is set out in the case A v A (Shared
Residence) [2004] EWHC 142 (Fam), [2004] 1
FLR 1195 as follows:

'Schedule of items in relation to the exercise of
parental responsibility
(1) Decisions that could be taken
independently and without any consultation or
notification to the other parent:

• how the children are to spend their

time during contact;

• personal care for the children;
• activities undertaken;
• religious and spiritual pursuits;
• continuance of medicine prescribed by

GP. (2) Decisions where one parent would always need to inform the other parent of the decision, but did not need to consult or take the other parent's views into account:

• medical treatment in an emergency;
• booking holidays or to take the

children abroad in contact time;

• planned visits to the GP and the

reasons for this.

(3) Decisions that you would need to both
inform and consult the other parent about prior
to making the decision:

• schools the children are to attend,

including admissions applications. With reference to which senior school C should attend, this is to be decided taking into account C's own views and in consultation and with advice from her teachers;

• contact rotas in school holidays;
• planned medical and dental treatment;
• stopping medication prescribed for the

children;

• attendance at school functions so they

can be planned to avoid meetings wherever possible;

• age that children should be able to

watch videos, ie videos recommended for children over the ages of 12 and 18.'

Hope that clears up your uncertainty.

Thank you so much for your advice. I do feel better. I know my ex is being advised in some way, as he has never threatned court before - his certainty is what is worrying me. I am fundamentally against 50-50 care in this case as I do not believe it is right for my dd, maybe when she is older, but not now.
Ishani - I only ever colllect DD onhis day if she happens to be then staying with him for that weekend ( say on a friday). This is so I can say goodbye to her and spend a little bit of time after work with her. His argument is that its confusing for her to see both parents in one day and that I should stay away.

i can see the point re childminder - makes for handover childminder to you then another handover to him. surely better to tell her - today daddy picks you up from childminder see you saturday sunday whatever.

i realise it increases the days you dont see her but then is the same for himwhen it your days

Tyr: I was taking shared residence to be shared time rather than semantic playing with contact, as per the 50/50 in the OP. take your point, but what you've described is contact with a different label.