Courts have negative bias towards mothers?

[courtfedup]

Dear all,

I have been in dispute about residence of my daughter for almost 5 years now. It is my perception that the courts have some bias against mothers. He goes away with murder because the courts are taking decisions based on appearances rather than evidence.
The reason for my divorce was domestic violence nevertheless he got shared residence and my daughter lives one week with him and one with me. She is unhappy of the arrangements and every time I try to change things via the court they think I am a mother who is trying to withhold contact. I have contacted the European Human Rights and they will do something only once I have exhausted the UK courts. He is able to lie to court I have shown he has been lying and they just don?t do anything.
He has taken her away from the country without telling me and there is nothing the judge will do. It think this is a political reaction to please groups such as fathers for justice.
I want to know how many women are in this situation and if we couldn?t put some pressure in the legal system to make our voice be heard and our children having a better childhood.

Thanks

Courtfedup

bumping really, but how old is your dd and what sort of arrangements would she prefer?

Given that the vast majority of family court decisions are that children should primarily reside with their mother and that they will have weekly contact with their father, I don't think there's that much of an inherent bias against mothers.

There are occasionally miscarriages of justice. More common though is people underestimate the importance that is attached to children maintaining a relationship with both parents. That is because research shows that children who are insecure about a parent and their heritage tend to grow up with low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems later in life such as dysfunctional relationships in adulthood. Therefore only in very exceptional circumstances do the courts rule no contact.

DV isn't necessarily a reason for there to be no contact. The considerations are the effects of DV on the child. There would usually need to be evidence from independent professionals eg teachers, social workers, doctors and police that a child is suffering significant harm to their health and development or a risk of significant harm. That might be a combination of a number of factors such a child isn't getting on very well at school, bedwetting, being very quite, not forming friendships. Even when it's found the child is being significantly harmed or at risk of harm the risks can be balanced against the strengths, including measures that might be put in place, a parent's parenting might be deemed "good enough."

Good parents will always ask children's opinion, for example when moving house or changing schools, but it is adults who weigh up the pros and cons in context of all the family circumstances and make the decisions. Children who choose between parents often grow up with an awful burden of guilt.

If different judges, CAFCASS, social workers etc etc have no concerns perhaps you need to consider why you are the only one who is worried. On the other hand if there is evidence from professionals that contact/shared residence is seriously harming your child and no contact would be in her interest it would be worth thinking about how the evidence is being presented.

how old is DD and in what way is she unhappy?
what are you proposing would be better solution?

if he has shared residence then he does have right to take her out of country i think

Yes, having Parental Responsibility means parents can act unilaterally in most circumstances and if there is a residence order in favour of both parents either party can take the child abroad without consent of the other. However, it isn't unreasonable for a parent to know when children are going to be abroad and where their children are staying and that might be included in a schedule attached to a court order if it is presented in the right way.

This isn't a gender issue. Many mums take their children abroad without telling the fathers and unless there is a flight risk or a history of contact being frustrated the courts don't do a lot about it. Children spending time with a parent on holiday is generally deemed as being in the best interests of children and the courts aren't concerned with the issues between parents.

Hi all,

Thanks a lot for the response. I am simply suggesting a change in the pattern of contact to benefit my girl. She is 9 and it is hard to change life every other week. We are both foreigners and we speak different languages to her. Which is a great a great thing for her and her future. But quite demanding to change bedroom, language, friends, pets, etc. He doesn't accept anything from me includign her clothes and books so she can't read the same book or use the same clothes.
So she spends 8 nights with me followed by 6 nights with him. it is logistacally hard I don't know homeworks or events during the week and when she comes back. I need to sort out outfits for class assemblies and so on in a couple of hours.

So I suggested a change in the pattern so she goes every other weekend with him (3 nights) plus every wednesday (2 nights) in a two week pattern that is a reduction of one night for him but loads more stability for the child.
Last year I went somewhere for a one night break and the police came to my door and my neighbours and friends he accuse me of abduction and the court took out the passport for a 6 month period. Now he goes abroad and the court says nothing.
She has said to CAFCASS children services paeditritian and head teacher she misses her mum and wants to spend more time with her but yet nobody listens to her.
They think is me who is putting ideas in her head. My life would be so much easier if she was settled and happier I make every effort to help her settle but she feels deprived from seeing her mother. she is not allowed to say hello to me if we meet by chance in town or anything like that or she is not allowed to call me on the phone.
So that makes her feel stressed. And I don't know why the court won't listen to her rather than me. Solicitors have suggested that she has a guardian and her own solicitor but I don't want to put her in front of the battle and make her choose.

Any ideas?
courtfedup

i cant see any pobvious abuse/neglect/welfare issues - except for this isilation of here when with dad - but do you apply same rules too?

"she is not allowed to say hello to me if we meet by chance in town or anything like that or she is not allowed to call me on the phone. "

this seems to be the issue here - not how many nights she spends with him or you.

do you allow her contact with dad when she is with you?

does she call dad when she is with you ?
do you keep dad informed of school stuff?

could you both agree to attend parenting apart course together?

missing mum is not a line tot ake - you need to talk tosychologist about imnpact on child of haivng to lvie two very separate lives week in week out - if that is what is happening.
what do teachers say?

does she do well at school? is her behaviour or school work affected?

On the other hand many children who were the subject of court disputes between parents feel when they are older that they would have liked to have had a chance to be more involved. Most children feel ambivalent towards their parents and would prefer a solicitor to represent them and assist in resolving the problems.

A guardian looks after the interests of the child and will listen to the child but that doesn't mean the child chooses one parent over the other. It's important to understand the rationale behind what children say. For example a young teenager might say they want to live with a permissive parent rather than an authoritative parent because they are allowed to stay out drinking all night. Children require boundaries to be set and living with the permissive parent clearly wouldn't be in the child's best interests. Other children may have conflicts of loyalty and express a desire for one particular arrangement not because that is what they want, but because they feel disloyal siding with the other parent.

Individuals have different views about shared residence but one thing is for sure sharing residence in whatever proportions, a guardian and solicitor being appointed etc isn't nearly as damaging to children emotionally as the high levels of ongoing conflict between parents.

In our situation, SD was 9 at the time, and her expressed opinion was initially given weight. Unfortunately, as STIDW says, the rationale of what she said was misunderstood and she was in any case unwilling to be honest about what she wanted. She was very miserable around her mother, but once it was explained to her that her mother would know what she'd said, she felt unable to express that, so said she wanted to live with her father from Friday to Monday and her mother Tuesday to Thursday. Her rationale for this was that as far as she was concerned, this would mean seeing the least of her mother, because she was at school on those days, but sounded as if she liked them both the same. (This was anyway what she told DH, with whom she was living during the case.) CAFCASS, in the interim report, and the judge interpreted this as her wanting to live with her mother and spend weekends with her dad, which was hugely frustrating. It also led to her mother being given daily weekly contact for several months as the case limped on, which caused SD to become severely distressed.

Her views were never revisited, even though she told DH that she wanted to explain again, almost a year on, that she really wanted to live with him. In the end, the concerns of the authorities about her mother's parenting were so great that the final CAFCASS report was 'unable' to consider her 'wishes'. Her distress at the idea of living with her mother by this point was so great that we were very worried that she would ever find out, if it happened, that it was supposedly at her wish that residency was awarded to her mother.

Sorry to go on, but it's a bit complicated. Essentially though we were surprised at how much weight was initially given to her opinion at such a young age, and how little effort was made by CAFCASS in interpreting it. The CAFCASS officer was very reluctant to consider a solicitor and guardian for the children, despite the incredibly high levels of hostility that the ex demonstrated to DH, regularly occuring in front of the children and even the CAFCASS officer herself.

And in ranting on, I have managed to forget to answer the OP's question. To be honest, DH found that his CAFCASS officer at least was very weighted towards the mother as the primary parent. The reports would often make sweeping statements about her being the natural carer, or the need not to damage her relationship with the kids, but proposed several scenarios in which he would barely see the children without mentioning his input as a father. I imagine this can vary with the officer, and the judges in the main were pretty balanced. He did have an appalling officer, who managed to annoy the judge, so that could be bad luck. I think the structural faults of the family court system can affect both parents, and there is a large degree of luck in how well your case is treated too. I don't know if you've done so, but you might consider contacting Familes Need Fathers. Given your thread title, this may sound a bizarre suggestion, but they in fact concentrate on improving the family courts and CAFCASS, and promote shared parenting. They are NOT F4J.

A change from what is virtually 50/50 shared parenting to alt weekends is a massive change. You don't say how long the current pattern has been established, but to change what has taken a court five years to establish you'd need a better reason than not knowing what outfit she needs in advance. You'd have far more chance of success if you focus on the effect on the child - ie she misses speaking to you - and propose a reasonable solution - eg that she calls you a couple of times in her Dad's week. (And vice versa, obviously) If she was offered the opportunity of going on a school trip to Disneyland for a week, you wouldn't refuse because she's miss you, right? You'd tuck a few letters into her pocket for her to open when she was there and wave her off.

FWIW I'd go ahead with the guardian - my DSS had one.

Wer e going through hell with court ex etc my gs is coming back in distress showing cisturbing sexual behavior and nightmares. No one is listening despite me conttacting every agency in uk 4 help, why.. a report by dr mynofs wallace.very damning and untrue. No one will help my 5 yr old. Anyone else with simillar probs..

Wer e going through hell with court ex etc my gs is coming back in distress showing cisturbing sexual behavior and nightmares. No one is listening despite me conttacting every agency in uk 4 help, why.. a report by dr pyscologist very damning and untrue so im deemed a nutcase.gs is reusing 2 go 2 stay ever again. Can anyone offer advice, dont know what orwhere 2 go .help please