advice re child maintenance and legal issues

[devastatedofdorset]

Hi - i found that my husband was having an affair on the 28 December. He left straight away - under duress and is now living in a rented property nearby. The house we lived in is mine- in my sole name, mortgage and i have piad for everything - he had his own property until 16 months ago when he sold it. I am the main breadwinner - he works for himself - i have a professional job and this was what he wanted to do and in theory spend time with our DD who is now 8.

We have not discussed any financial matters and my question is this - should i approach the CSA for maintenance - he is working and has a reasonable sum of equity from his property sale. He cant live with the other woman unless she is prepared to give up her benefits- she doesnt work and has 2 children - one of which is disabled and she gets a lot of benefits because of this.

i am not trying to be awkward or hard -but i have had to pay for extra things since i found out what was happening - dog walking, some extra help around the house and breakfast club, etc. I have no plans to divorce him until we have been separated for 2 years as i am concered that this means that i would have to sort out the financial settlement at the same time - is this right? I am relying on nthe fact that it is unlikely that this relationship willlast the course and once she is removed from the equation he will more likely be reasonable.

He started off saying that it was my house and he didnt want anything from it but the OW has a reputation for bleeding people dry- she has had affairs with married men before- and i am concerned that she is after his moeny and when that has gone mine. If possible i would like to stay in my home because it is the only home that our daughter can remember and i am trying to provide as much stability as possible as i can for her as she has been very upset by what has happened.

I would go for a divorce - a lot can happen in two years and he may have spent his capital from his house sale and want half of yours by then.

Why wait if you know its what you want - or could you possibly get back together?

Go to the csa - but couldn't you talk about what you both wnat to do regard finacne and then go and get it drwan up legally with the money for the dc drawn into that part?

if he moves in with OW then she will not lose a penny of the DLA benefit she gets for her disabled child as this is not means tested at all.

When he was living with you presumably he was paying for furnishings/food/holidays etc as well as maintaining the children with the money from his employment? As you were married I think this would give him some rights to the equity in your home unless you had an agreement at some time to the contrary. You would also have rights to some of the profit he made from selling his own property. As you are married things are not black and white from a property point of view and you must get legal advice as soon as possible regarding the financial side of things. I don't think you can sort out the financial side until divorce proceedings are well under way and as ivy says if he spends his money in two years time he can well come back to you asking for a share in your house (albeit small).

By all means go to the CSA and do this asap as they will only enforce payment once you have claimed, they cant backdate like a court can to the time of the breakup.

You really must get urgent legal advice if you are to safeguard your property rights. At the moment you are both in strong positions financially so an agreement between you for him to keep his property sale money and you to keep your house is a reasonable likelihood. If you can sort this amicably without going to court you have a good chance of keeping what you have but if it is left to a court to decide it may not be the outcome you want.

Hopefully someone with legal training will come along and give you more specific advice

You can apply to the CSA whenever you want. He'd pay 15% of his net income, less 1/7th for every sleepover each week. that will reduce if he lives with the OW.

You don't have to apply for a financial order when you get divorced, but 99% of people do.

You should take some initial legal advice now (ie from a solicitor face to face rather than from a message board!).

Thanks for the replies - i have taken legal advice - but my concern is that my H is an honourable man - or at least he was - accepting that he has little call on my property really and that i have contributed to his property and assets in the past - and no he didnt pay for holidays, food and the like in any regular amount. This was all my call.

We have been in current home for 3.5 years and moved from a house that i had before i met and married him. DD has no desire to sleep over at H's current home and if he moves in with the OW then this is even more unlikely as she doesn't like her and TBH there are really good reasons for this and not all related to the affair. OW has been investigated for leaving her children home alome whilst she drinks in the pub over the road- they are 12 and 7 and disturbances of the peace type issues - all of which are as far removed from me and my DD's life as you can get.

OW gets benefits for her D - disability is not serious and also because she doesnt work and i believe that these will be affected by my H moving in rather than the disability allowance for the D.

i am trying to provide some security for DD by staying in our homne for as long as we can as another major disruption would be problematic for both of us but particuarly DD and her schooling.

Hello,

the messages are right in that you should get legal advice. You can arrange a financial settlement amiably but do get advice to do it properly or it will not be legally binding. It does not have to mean getting into acrimonious legal wrangles. I would get that help to look into what maintenance and tax credits you shoud receive. You should then be able to sort that out with him, perhaps with the solicitor's help. I would do that rather than going through the csa. They are slow, inefficient and applying to them often looks like an agressive step which then puts him in a bad frame of mind just when you are needing to negotiate on big picture stuff like the house.

If you have paid all the bills and managed without his money before then if you wish to stay in the house it would appear to be financially viable. What you want is to get the settlement finalised soon so that you know he can not come back for a share later on.

Whilst you may not care about that as such it is wise to keep matters as amicable as possible, nott only for your sake and your daught's but also because that is the last expensive way of getting a result!
Do go and see a Resolution accredited solicitor, their website has a list and some helpful stuff for parents.
good luck.

I'd digress a bit from the above advice. I reckon that calculating CSA maintenance is so straightforward that if he's not paying what he should then he's the one bringing it on himself so go ahead and apply.

I've found the CSA to be quite efficient these days, particularly where the absent parent is employed.

Have you approached him about paying maintenance yet? If not, I would try to organise a private agreement between yourselves before going to the CSA. If he wont cooperate or you cannot come to an agreement, then straight to the CSA.

You can download a nice private agreement from here it is not legally binding but is useful if parents are amicable. It doesn't prevent you going to the CSA if necessary. If you go on the CSA website they have an easy peasy online calculator!
Even though H is being reasonable now I still would trust a bit of legalised paperwork anyday!

Sorry i must have given the impression that it is amicable - tbh it is anything but in that he was caught having an affiar with the local village bike-trollop and i said he had to go- there is no chance of us getting back together - has devastated my life and my daughters and i would feel worried that he would go again and this would be a double whammy. He is not the man that i felll in love with 13.5 years ago anymore i asked him to come back once right at the beginning and he was cruel and heartless in his response.

I have facilitated contact with our DD- but i had to get the locks changed because he kept coming in the house when i asked him not to - as i said it is my house, my name on the deeds and i pay all the bills. There will be no tax benefits - i earn a good salary and can manage without child maintance from him but he has not offered anything- and has been spending money on the OW -spa days, posh meals out etc.

i reallly want to protect what i have for me and my daughter as the propsect of her getting anything from my h in the future is very slim because the OW is likely to bleed him dry, and get him to ask for my equity. I believe he is entitled to some - we have been married for 11 years- but certainly not half. Sorry if this sounds bitter - i am just trying to be realistic but porvide a stable home for my DD who is my priority.

OP, from your first post i understood that you (as a main breadwinner) were essentially maintaining your ex-h's lifestyle, whilst he spend a lot of time looking after your dd. isn't there a chance that he will actually apply to courts for spousal maintenance for himself? I am confused.

Deva. you must go for divorce and financial settlement asap. There are so many posts here from ExWs who have just let situations drift and end up in all sorts of financial messes. At the moment you are in a strong position financially, you can ask him to relinquish any claim on your house (morally it is yours, but the law usually says he can have a proportion) in exchange for you making no claim on the equity from his flat. You can also offer to make no claim on his business. In two years time these may be gone and he will be after money from you!

You can go for child maintenance at any time and as far as I am aware, he cannot 'opt out' of paying for his DD.
As far as being an honourable man who will behave 'reasonably' there has been no evidence of that so far, so why should there be in 2 years time? Get thee to a solicitor and get shot of him while you still hold a few good cards!

Thanks for all the advice - i am definitely going to go forward for the divorce and settlement now.

Bebe - H only picked up dd from school 3 days a week - not too much to ask i think whilst i did the dropping off and all the weekend ferrying around. Dont think he is eligible for spousal support as he has his own business and money in the bank.

I agree that drifting is not an option.

Deva, it was not meant as a criticism at all, i have no idea about your particular circ. I was just surprised that it did not come up from other posts, i understand if two parties have large disparities in regular income it (spousal maintenance) may be suggested in the financial settlement. Just a thought for you.

bebe - no criticism taken.

Thanks