'D'H won't divorce me - WWYD?

[HelpMeWanda]

Posted here as well as Relationships - thanks for the tip!

Name changer... nice ham, penguins, fluffy boleros etc etc...

Soon-to-be-XH has told me, rather forcefully today, that he refuses to sign the Statement for Arrangements for Children or any divorce petition we send his way. His argument is that "as I made the decision to leave so quickly, in six months time I will have changed my mind so he's stopping me from making the biggest mistake of my life".

I have problems with this -

a. He has stolen 19k out of my daughter's education fund

b. He was chatting up some girl online TEN DAYS after we were married

c. He is a lying, manipulative, gaslighting man who I do not want to be in the same room as, never mind stay married to

d. We have not had sex in over 2 years, he rejected me so many times I stopped asking, now the thought of his hairy sweaty flabby body makes me want to [puke]

e. He cut off my daughter's hair after an argument with me, saying at the time it was to get me back for disagreeing with him over going to the shops. Now he has come up with some bullshit story about how his Dad used to cut his hair, and it was such a lovely bonding time for them, so that's why he did it... this is six months after the fact - can anyone else smell the cowpats?

f. He has such a bad track record with debts - he owes my dad almost £300k for bailing him out of a bad business venture, now he's starting again with a new investor but is already spending the business funds on new clothes, a new car, laser eye surgery... he's going to get arrested soon (or killed!) and I'd rather not be part of that, thank you very much.

So for all these reasons, plus about 10 pages more, I say NO WAY to getting back together - not now, not in a year, never ever ever. I would have to be CRAZY to do that - and that's one thing I certainly am not (no matter what he might say!)

SO options to decide on please...

Do nothing and hope to change his mind - there is a possibility he has bipolar (tests next week) so he may just change his mind when he's in a different cycle)

Proceed with UK divorce based on "Unreasonable Behaviour"- I have found a brill solicitor but he charges £260ph excl VAT so its going to be thousands and thousands and months and months before we finish... DH is going to fight me every step of the way (prob using his business money! )

Fly to Nevada for 6 weeks, have a wonderful sunny holiday, maybe win some £££ on the Strip and get a quickie divorce.

Can you tell which one I like the sound of the best?? Serously though, is that even an option - anyone done it / any advice / legal opinions would be greatly appreciated... If it helps, we were married in South Africa and he has just got his British Citizenship (ironic timing...)

Excuse me while I have a - I think I need one...

Also forgot to add that the last time he was around the house he got so violent I had to call the police... he claims I provoked him (of course!) so he doesn't see that as a reason to split up.

Also forgot to add that the decision is NOT a quick one - I had been dithering for almost a year, been to counselling with him since Oct, and finally screwed up the courage to leave after the violent incident above... so its not like I haven't thought about it.

If you're still reading - shew! Thanks!

Assuming you live in the UK, you must divorce here I'm afraid! Don't worry bout him not signing the papers. Just get him served personally by a process server (costs around £100) and he doesn't need to sign them.
As for whether you should divorce him..... Its your choice pure and simple.

Usually it is an idea to give someone a bit of time to adjust to the emotional realities of divorce so that they can recompose themselves and constructive progress can be made, but you make it sound as though this is unlikely to achieve very much.

The cheapest way to divorce is to download Form D8 and guides D182 -D185 from HM Courts Services website, do a bit of reading and complete the forms yourself. If your husband is going to be difficult you may prefer and it would be less hassle using a solicitor.

When papers are served and the respondent doesn't acknowledge them you can use a service processor to serve the papers again. Then if there is still no response the service processor can make a sworn statement as evidence and the court can grant the divorce anyway.

With solicitors the hourly rate isn't necessarily an indication of the final costs. A solicitor who charges £260/h but works efficiently and completes the work in 4 hours will cost roughly about the same as a solicitor who charges £150/h but works inefficiently and takes 7 hours to complete the same work. Should your husband's conduct during court proceedings be unreasonable and cause delay, run up high costs etc the court can order he pays your legal costs, or at least some of them.

Hope that helps.

As wise people say, he can't refuse to divorce you. When the case goes before the judge, the decision the judge must make is whether the marriage is over. The fact that one person has applied to dissolve the marriage is a fairly good sign that things aren't good!

He can choose to defend but as STIDW says, you could apply for some or all costs if he does this. His conduct in co-operating with the process will be taken into consideration here.

In DP's case his ex was sent his draft, as is good practice, attempted to file her own petition secretly, sadly (not really) missed out by hours, then said she would defend, and then, presumably once it sank in that her legal aid really wouldn't fund that one, withdrew her defence and proceeded, with DP's agreement, to cross-petition with statements on either side disagreeing with the other's reasons. And we got through all that eventually! So good luck.

Agree with Resolution and STIDW.
Agree it is worth trying to agree the particulars of his unreasonable behaviour in advance if possible to hopefully avoid him deciding to defend if there is anything in particuar that he is unhappy with.

In my experience, many potential respondents threaten to defend the proceedings but very few actually do.

Good luck

We file this week...

Wish me luck! And !