Ex partner and contact with children

[OhWesternWind]

Hi - this is my second thread on here today. I'm hoping for some advice re the situation with ex as my legal advisor is away at the moment.

Ex has been abusive on and off throughout our relationship, emotionally and (once) physically to me. I called the police and they took him away but did not actually arrest him. He has also been abusive to our children particularly our daughter. He has hit her very hard, hard enough to leave red handprints, and is emotionally either distant or shouting and calling her names. He does not have parental responsibility for dd but he does for ds (law changed between their births). More fool me I did not get any outside agencies involved in any of this as I was scared what would happen to the family, but it has been continuing recently even one morning after he had left and he had come to take them to school. (He now doesn't do this any more).

Neither of the children particularly want to see him. Is there any way I can officially stop contact? If he asks to see them, am I allowed to say no? I am very worried what will happen to them without me there as he is very volatile temper-wise. This is a real worry to me.

He is talking about buying a 3 bed house so they can stay with him. This will be over my dead body as I am 100% certain that dd at least would come to harm.

I am having to see the GP tomorrow to try and get counselling for dd as she is so badly affected about what has happened in the past and she says she is scared of him and happy that he has left but he has left her feeling worthless and she is self-harming age 8.

I would really appreciate your advice here.

How old are the children?

Does he have any convictions for act of violence?

I suggest you start any contact as supervised initially, but stopping all contact would only invite him to apply to court, and these proceedings can get expensive, with the courts only making an award of no contact in exceptional circumstances. Your case doesn't sound exceptional, but your solicitor can advise you better when they're back.

Hi - thanks for replying. The children are 5 and 8. He doesn't have any convictions.

Is there a trusted 3rd party who could supervise contact? You can't just write off contact at age 5 and 8 unless it's a case at the extreme end of the spectrum. You'd really struggle at court.

They are having contact tomorrow with their aunty and grandmother (his side) there too, as this seems the most sensible way forward.

Document every piece of bad behaviour on this man's part and do not allow unsupervised contact. You will only get into trouble if you stop contact altogether. However at least some supervised contact should be supervised by someone who is not a member of this dickhead's family unless you are sure that his aunty and grandmother are clearheaded enough to intervene and inform you if he is abusive to the children while they are there.

Do bear in mind if things get bad that it takes the court quite a long time to do anything punitive to a mother who stops contact, and a man who is pushing for contact purely in order to harass and control the mother often gives up after a while.

if there is no contact order in place already then you not breaching anything.

is good you going to GP to get stuff on record.

if you put in application for residency of the children then this will mean that contact issues get discussed as aprt of the residency order. then you can raise the issues - but do report any further incidents that happen.

If you havent a court order stop contact you have genuine concern and think the judge will ask you some day "why did you continue contact" and you need to say for the best interest of my children.
The next time he is abusive take to the gp. This may be the only way to prove anything in court. Go daily or weekly and get your daughters to talk about it. And contact your solicitor you can get a non molestation order against him and report to social services.
Go and get the best solicitors you can get. When he goes to court he will have a very good solicitor and won't be going to someone local or giving bad advise. I promise you that, men will be advising each other and your ex will have more time to think about it when contact is stopped. Document everything. A Google drive protected may be the best way and you can share with your solicitor.
This will get dirty as he's obviously not wise as he is more concerned about annoying you than the well being of the children but the court won't see it that way. In my opinion it's very easy for men, they have the time and advise to go to good solicitors where as women often go to local solicitors with no fight and don't care but your ex won't he'll search out someone good and all these females related will come out of the woodwork to help out and make him look like super dad. It's not easy but you'll find the fight for your kids. Good luck