Will my EXP get more contact if he takes me to court?

[Newbabynewmum]

Just to give you a bit of backround -

EXP drinks & I have evidence of substance abuse
He is highly intimidating & abusive & has been violent to me before
When living with me and DD (2months old) he has shouted at her and sworn at her admitting it was out of frustration
He has fed her a handful of times in herclife - I FF - never got up in the night etc

DD is now 5months.

I am offering EXP to come round to mine twice a week in the evenings after work and then once for a couple of hours at the weekend.

He wants unsupervised contact. Judging from his past would he ever get this? I am very worried. I think hat I am bring reasonable. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If he fails testing for drugs and alcohol he may well end up with only supervised contact. It might not be supervised by you though - perhaps a trusted member of his family?

We relied on the court with regard to exP and drug testing. What a mistake that was. He agreed in front of the judge that he was happy to undertake a drug test but once he had left court, got his solicitor to send me a letter saying he refused because he was offended over a minor matter.

He did not take the test for eight months and then the Judge shouted at me telling me he did not take drugs when the test came back negative. He had also shaved his head so hair (of a shorter length) had to be taken from another area of his body.

I think our real problem was the fact that we had continual changes of judges and the final one (sadly for us the decision maker) took a very different view from all the others and at the end of the day, the evidence was effectively that he was clear.

Just a note of caution.

I don't know - but I'd hope not :(

Frankly - I'd move, a long, long way away. Quickly.

Thanks for your help.

He keeps arguing with me about it eventhough I have tried to say that I'm not changing my mind etc.

Yesterday he didn't see her because he had a cold but went out all night drinking with his friends. He has paid nothing, I know that doesn't affect whether he should see her but I think it shows how little he cares & is committed to her.

Do I just lay the law down to him if he wont agree? Tell him 2 evenings & a weekend & what time and then tell him if he wants it any different he'll have to get a solicitor?

(we've been separated 3 months now)

NBNM - can you move away? Where are you friends and family?

If you are staying there, tell him that this is your best offer and it's conditional on him paying as per the CSA. If he doesn't pay and he doesn't just agree to it, tell him to bugger off and do it through his solicitor.

I agree that children are not 'pay per view' but they need supporting and not just visiting when the feckless gits nrp feels like it.

Do please ignore the above post. Persue maintenance by all means, but contact is not something that can, or should, be bought or sold. OP - I think you know this anyway.
Don't run away too. Why should you just because he's an arse? He'd be more likely to get staying contact then.

Resolution how rude are you?

He is violent.
He is abusive.
He is intimidating.
He drinks.
He does drugs.
He swore & shouted at a 2 month old baby.

Several fairly good reasons for moving away if she can and several good reasons why he will not get overnight access.

Hi. I wouldn't move away as I have a brilliant network of friends & family where I am at the moment - trust me I've considered it though!

I don't agree with the pay per view thing but don't you agree when EXP has a very wellpaid job giving me nothing for his DD does show how little he cares?

I would fight this through the courts and spend every penny I have stopping him from having unsupervised access. The thought of him being alone with her fills me with dread. The trouble is, on the outside he's a charming lovely guy that everyone around loves. In reality he's simply not like this at home.

I could tell you story after story about how awful ge is, bur there's no point! I just need to know I'm doing the right thing and he'll not ger more access. I think I'm being more than reasonable personally!

He's drugtaking and been violent to you, yet you still let him into your home??

No judge will see him ad such a threat to you if you're being so accommodating.

Moving away...... No point......he could easily get a prohibited steps order to prevent this

I bet you have!! I'm pleased you have friends & family around you.

Yes I do and that's why I said what I said.

They are the two sides of the one coin in my mind. Why should they get all of the 'nice' bits and none of the responsibility? How can a man say he cares and loves his children yet will not willingly pay towards their living expenses?

Whatever you do though - never rely on the money if you can possibly avoid it - if he's not doing it willingly then he will find 101 ways to avoid paying it.

Please start a journal - of what has happened in the past and what is happening now. For the past stuff, try to write down everything you can think of and rough times of when it happened. From here on in keep a note of days, times - things he says and does etc. One day it may save you from having to allow him unsupervised contact.

You are being more than reasonable.

Oops that went before I intended it to.

I would actually contact Womens Aid/CAB/Solicitor to see how you can prevent him having any access to her or at the very least limiting it to supervised access in a centre. If you allow him into your home etc you really weaken your case that he's not to be trusted.

ChippingIn - thanks, I have started a journal like you said.

Originally we met in neutral open places, but now I have let him come to my mums. I never thought of this. He constantly worries me, but it's best for my DD to be here in the evenings rather than being carted about, she goes to bed v early & so taking her out in the evenings is just being unfair to her.

Perhaps I will make an appointment to go and see my solicitor as I need my case to be as strong as possible. Thanks for your advice.

It's so difficult!

It is really difficult and you shouldn't even have to be thinking about it FFS - you have a lovely little baby who you should be enjoying - not dealing with all of this crap :(

You are being far more 'reasonable' than I would have been, I would have refused to allow him in the house, limited his contact to daytime (so limiting it to weekends) in a public place with another adult of your choosing present.

I think the best thing you can do is go and see your solicitor and let them know you have been letting him come to your Mums but that you are still scared of him and terrified that he will ever get unsupervised access etc - get as much in place as you can, as soon as you can.

What is it you are actually aiming for though?
Unlikely, extremely unlikely he'll get no contact, supervised contact you are already doing,and have for a while, and it's going ok.....so
natural next step would be to progress to unsupervised, wouldn't it!?

Supervised means I'm there all the time - any crying or problems I deal with it.

How can I let him have unsupervised when previously when DD was crying & he was stressed her shouted at her & swore at her (on more than one occasion). Whether or not supervised is going ok, unsupervised is entirely different. He's never looked after DD on his own & in my opinion isn't capable.

Sorry but 3months of fitting his DD around his social life, paying nothing & not understand his problems does not lead me to believe he is capable of looking after a 5month old on his own. When I lived with him he refused to help with baths, feeding, nightfeeds, consoling DD when she was upset.

I am aiming for 2 evenings and 1 weekend of supervised access. As I said I am worried about him taking me to court to gain more access.

Why are you aiming for so much access? Is it because you think your DD will benefit from it or is it because you are scared if you don't give him enough he will go to court and get more/unsupervised access?

It's a bit of both I suppose. I'm trying to stop him from taking me to court & also I want my DD to have a hood relationship with him.

Little & often when they are young babies my solicitor said a few months ago.

I suppose I'm a bit stuck, there's no guidlines for the 'norm' in this situation & I don't know what to do!

He could ask for unsupervised away from you, he'd get a contact centre, where the aim is to move on to unsupervised after a short period of time. He can be assessed this way, how he interacts and meets her needs etc. Then it nearly always moves on to unsupervised.

Contact centres are in demand, so aim is to use them for shirt period only.

Your judgement of him not being capable won't really cut it with a judge if dad seems eager.

The money thing....NEVER bring that up in court, that's what the csa are for

Little and often for tiny babies yes! Court process takes time and before you know it she will be walking!

There are no breastfeeding reasons for you to be nearby either

If the drugs thing is discounted and he has no recent 'history' with violence etc, then be prepared for it not going your way

How likely is he to take this to court? And why would he?

Surely it's not my judgement of him not bring capable it's facts?

He's never done a lot of things with her, because he never wanted to. Shouting and swearing at her to get her to stop crying counts as not being capable surely? Not only highly damaging to my DD. The facts of drinking, substance abuse etc also must mean he is making himself uncapable to care for her?

I don't get it. Have I not listed enough things in my OP to show you what he's like? Are you telling me you'd let someone like that look after your DC unsupervised?

I am worried that he might take me to court because he wants more access. As to the likelihood of that happening, no idea. You can never tell what he's going to do.

NBNM - I wouldn't want him anywhere near her tbh and I would do everything I could to minimise the contact he has with her.

I don't actually see why you think her having a good relationship with him benefits her - but that's your call.

I think your journal is your best defence against him getting unsupervised contact with her, but it's certainly no guarantee :(

However, the sooner you start telling people who count (solicitor etc) about him the better. The more of a picture you can build up the better.

Also, if your solicitor doesn't give you confidence that they are on your side and will fight for you all the way - then change solicitors. You need a one who will really fight your corner. You will be using them for years to come, don't stay with one now that is crap.

The question is not whether ILoveTIFFANY would let someone like that look after their children. The question is what the courts would say.

The courts take the view that your daughter has a right to a relationship with her father and that in most circumstances it is in the child's best interests for them to have contact with their father. They therefore tend to grant access unless there is evidence that the father is a risk to the safety of his children.

If he is taking drugs and/or has a serious drink problem that could lead to contact being supervised initially. As ILT says, this will almost certainly be through a contact centre and the aim will be to move to unsupervised contact as quickly as possible. You will certainly not be allowed to supervise the contact yourself. If he is currently drug free and his drinking is under control he could well get unsupervised contact straight away.

You may consider that the facts mean your ex is not capable of looking after your daughter. I'm afraid the court may not agree with you.

I am glad you want your daughter to have a good relationship with him. That is good. Concentrate on that. I understand why you want to be there to supervise contact yourself but I think you would be better trying to find someone else who can supervise and who would be acceptable to both you and your ex. The best possible outcome would be if you can sort something out between you without going to court.

My ex had gun crime, suicidal tendenies criminal convictions and prison sentences. Contact was still granted...... Til he started hitting his girlfriend and her kids, then I got zero contact. Only then

Prisoners are still allowed contact in prison!