ex threatening court if I don't comply

[Bugscrazymum]

We decided even before our baby was born that we would be 'routine' parents. I.E make sure baby knew when it was time to sleep and time to eat etc and be quite strict with things once a decision had been made for example bedtime routines and no pudding after lunch etc.

My husband had an affair while I was pregnant, we tried to work it out but when baby was 3 months old I left him.

I initially agreed to 'share' the baby one week on one week off. I quickly realised this didn't work when the baby was super unhappy and clingy to me. His Dad agreed and so we worked out a new routine which involved me putting baby to bed at Dad's house on a Thursday night and him staying there until Saturday afternoon so that baby in theory only had one bed time without his Mummy (Friday night).

This worked for a while but then my ex decided he couldn't do Thursdays anymore because of rugby training so he wanted to change it to Wednesday and friday nights which i agreed to. He also wanted the baby earlier on a Wednesday afternoon so it meant I could no longer put him to bed myself. As he was a bit older by now we I agreed to try it. This worked for a while but then as I had to work more and put him in nursery twice a week when he turned 1 in October he became very unsettled again so I requested that if my ex wants the baby two nights a week, that these be consecutive nights.

He refused to try it but I pushed it and we moved to Friday and Saturday nights. This was working well for a ocuple of weeks when everything changed. As far as I was aware we were both still on the same page routine wise and it's very important to me that even though our baby has two homes that he have one set of rules and the same routine at both places so that he feel settled.

Last weekend I was told that there were photos of my baby on Facebook. This was something we'd agreed was an absolute no no. On top of the the pictures include, some of him with a dummy in (from December when he'd given up the dummy in May!) and some with him drinking juice from a bottle which we'd specifically discussed and agreed not to do. This has made me feel really upset, I know their not major things and I know the baby is not in danger but he recently stopped sleeping through and became clingy to me again and I wonder if these changes in routine are what's caused it. I have tried to talk to my ex about it but he is so angry and defensive all the time which is in part down to him living with the girlfriend now and partly because his mother has taken against me and is supporting him in his unreasonable behaviour.
They are now threatening me with court if I don't let my ex have his own way with the baby. I now feel like I don't want him to stay overnoght there at all, at least not until I can get him settled again and sleeping and content.
It seems like my ex wants everything to suit him while I want everything to suit the baby and yet I am being held as the 'unreasonable' one.
I have no idea what to do now and they will be cominig to collect the baby on Friday. I really feel like just not being here when they come.

does anyone know what the worst case scenario is if this were to go to court? Do I stand to lose?

Much as it pains you, your Ex is the child's father, and if he choses to parent differently to you, then I'm sorry but as long as the child is in no danger you don't really have a say in it.

If it goes to court, he'll get access. I would try to settle this amicably, for your child's sake, and your sake - his father obviously wants to be involved and that is a good thing.

He can make parental decisions too and although you may not agree with the way he is bringing her up, it is not detrimental to the baby's development.

Agree that you should be able to come to a fair agreement before it goes to court.

court is for bigger welfare issues really. this isnt really child welfare is it?

you should try mediation first and agree on timetable for contact.

given theamount of time baby spends with dad i dont understand why beng put to bed by dad is an issue? better dad just gets on with it?

babies can be quite adaptable, but also go thru different phases. clingy isnt necessarily to do with staying with dad and dad's different ways of dealing with him, per se

Agree with others. What your ex does when your child is in his care is up to him. You cannot control that. You cannot insist that he sticks to your rules.

If he goes to court for contact he is likely to get it. Whether it will be the pattern he wants is up to the courts. The best thing you can do is try to sort out an agreement with him and stick to it. That would be much better than going to court.

its all a bit petty! how old is the baby now?

having been through court,i wouldnt advise it. stressful and expensive. and he will likely get more contact than what he's getting now,if he asks for it

my advice is that this is a problem which is going to continue for next 16+ years,so pick your battles,there will be bigger ones ahead!

Agree with ILoveTIFFANY - you need to be sure you have picked the right battle before committing to court as I can guarranttee it will be long drawn out and stressful, also possibly v expensive.

It is very difficult with such young children when parents split up as I do think they can find it hard to adapt to very different approaches and routines. So I don't think you are unreasonable for getting stressed and anxious and I think your ex could probably be a bit more understanding and communicative.

I don't think it is the right thing to say 'its his child, he can do what he likes'.

Your child is a person in his own right, he is the possession of neither of you and you both need to try to work together to provide him with a stable and happy environment and do the best you both can to make his transistion from home to home less stressful.

I don't buy this crap about how resilient and adaptable children are - if that was true, I wouldn't be happily paying off my mortgage by representing all the extremely emotionally screwed up adults who grew up with warring parents.

Of course, I don't know the whole story, but from your snap shot I think you need to try to relax about things like dummies and he needs to try putting himself in your shoes a bit more. Easier said then done I know.

If you could both stand it, joint counselling/mediation might help.

But court is a really really bad idea unless you are pretty sure your child's emotional or physical wellbeing is being seriously harmed by the current situation.

ask your HV about parenting together courses and counselling for separated parents - i've just seen that local GP surgery offers these free from the local PCT. there msut be something similar in your area. where you could attend together or apart.

Your child is a person in his own right, he is the possession of neither of you and you both need to try to work together to provide him with a stable and happy environment and do the best you both can to make his transistion from home to home less stressful.

Whilst this is excellent advice, it doesn't follow that everything has to be exactly the same in each home. My DS regularly spends a night with my parents, who spoil him rotten, let him go off to sleep in bed with them, let him stay in his PJ's until lunchtime etc etc. He loves it, and I can't see that it has ever done him any harm.

Far more stessful to him was starting nursery - I think that could just as easily be what has affected his behaviour rather than dummies or juice! And suddenly not seeing Daddy would be far more detrimental to him, IMO.

If you stop overnights your ex could get them reinstated very quickly by applying for an interim order - and may apply for a Joint Residence Order so that you can't threaten to withold contact to get your own way (from his point of view).

It must be hard to deal with him in a new relationship and changing the things you both previously thought were important, particularly given that he betrayed you when you were pregnant. But that isn't a court issue and prior to this you had both managed some pretty difficult negociations between you. That must have taken real guts and commitment to the well being of your DS. Don't go to court after all that over juice.

I could write an essay about the mistakes that my exh has made in relation to our child. Most of them have been because he wanted to wind me up, so I soon learned to bite my tongue. I have never taken him to court over them though. The only time I have been to court with my exh over our child is to gain leave of the jurisdiction due to my now husbands job. Court involves a lot of emotion, and money. Hence why the advice to "pick your fights" is a good one. I know when you are in the situation it is not easy to see past your frustration, but believe me you are better off riding with it unless it harms your child together.

Thanks for all your responses, I have no intention of going to court, never have. He is the one wanting to do that. I agree that small things aren't important and even less so as children et older but my baby is still only 16 months old and so 'little' thins like having a dummy one night and not the next can be very confusing for him and affect how he slleps which therefore affects how he is the next day.
I thing that relatives who aren't carers i.e grandpaents looking after kids occasionally can 'spoil' a child and it should be exciting and a treat and a little bit of going against the rules but a Dad is different. Dad should be the same as mum. It isn't a treat to go to Dad, it's every day life. Parents who are still together disagree on 'the rules' but they have to stick together otherwise children quickly learn how to play one off against the other. It should be no different when parents are apart.
I cannot adapt to his rules and routines because he doesn't tell me what they are. if there was any dialogue between us we could compromise.

The 'little things' to us as adults are not the little things to babies. Food and drink and dummy and play time are everything to babies and I believe my baby deserves some stability and continuity.

What you need is to work together better. Has anyone suggested mediation to you? It may well be that a bit of empathy (on both sides? - not having a go)would go a long way.

I must say, as a father, I sympathise with you. I think routine is important, and as you have the majority of the care he's a tit for not falling in line and supporting you. Don't get worked up about the photos though. They're not going to rot your son's teeth.

If he can start to understand what you're trying to acheive, and you can see where he's coming from, you may be able to work together better.

If he does apply to court you might both get referred to a Parenting Information Programme, or after 12 April mediation.

Yes I think that's maybe what we need, we have tried and failed to do it on our own so we definitely need help. Thanks for saying routine is important, I appreciate that as it is something I feel strongly about.
I'll let you know how we get on