ex abusing legal aid for contact thats never refused by me

[njhc]

hi sorry this may end up very long and quite disjointed i am so desperate and dont know what to do.

my ex fiddles the whole benefits system, he works yet claims incapacity benefit, ownes his own house but claims he lives somewhere else, disapears for months and months on end and then i recieve either solicitor or court letters demanding contact for our 6 year old son. in this time we have been to court 5 times, in the past i have paid contributions and he has full legal aid. i have never refused contact but i gave up begging for him to turn up a long time ago. it is he who simply doesnt turn up. we go back to court, contact starts again for a while. i feel like im on a merry-go-round.

i feel like im constantly on eggshells pussyfooting around him as the slightest argument will make him disapear. he is constantly verbally abusive to me, pays no real interet in our sons upbringing, refuses to talk in an adult way about any problems with our son, just says everything is my fault and im a shit mum, he constantly threatens to call social services. undermines any rules i have and has no dicipline whatsoever. during the last phase of contact (the longest its ever been consistant) our sons behaviour took a rapid decline at school and since contact stopped several teachers have said his behaviour has dramatically improved. his main teacher has expressed that i have her backing 100% and she would be willing to write a letter for court. he holds me hostage over contact knowing full well if he doesnt turn up it causes me huge problems at work. he doesnt give me any maintenance (apart from £5 out of his giro)i work full time and struggle month to month but my son has everything he wants and needs from me. he uses my son as a trophy and loves to play the poor dad who 'isnt allowed' to see his kid but this is simply not the case.

he now hasnt seen his son since oct. he refused to see our son because i was unable to meet him at our local tescos as per the order which is downstairs from where i live. i explained that i was really sick (i had e coli and a kidney infection) and couldnt get out of bed, i suggested he came to my front door-he refused, i suggested my partner dropped him off- he refused that too. last week i received a solicitor letter asking for contact to be resumed as stated by the order or we will go to court again and they will ask for me to be liable for costs.

i saw my solicitor today and she did the calculations,i have a better job now and i am on the borderline and cannot recieve any legal aid and she wants £1000 before she even does anything, at the same time she said theres nothing much she can do, basically i have to just put up with it and allow contact. she didnt even look at my notes or have anything to say about the situation.

i dont want contact to stop, my son does love seeing his dad but surely something must be done to stop his abusive behavior towards me and his constant not turning up for contact and bringing me back to court?

i really cannot afford to pay for legal help, how do i represent myself? make a clear case? i have a diary explaining all his abusive/blackmailing behaviour.

my partner suggests i go to see another solicitor? i just want it all to end once and for all and for my ex to stop using my son as a weapon to hurt me all the time.

i hope this had made sense??? please has anyone got any advise for me? thanks

If you don't qualify for legal aid another solicitor is unlikely to offer you anything different.
Don't be intimidated by the costs threat. Costs orders are reserved for extreme cases of blatant breaches of court orders. You'll have your opportunity to put your case to the court.

the reason i am wondering whether to see another solicitor or not is because my current solicitor said theres nothing i can do. the last time we were at court after he didnt see our son for a year i was assured that 'give him enough rope and he will hang himself'. now they are going back on what they have said.
i would like contact to continue but why do i have to go through this all the time?

Find out from your local county court whether they operate what is called in my neck of the woods (Liverpool) a Parenting Information Programme. It has met with some success. Parents go seperately but there are around a half dozen parents there - on both sides of the fence. It gives them a chance to share experiences so makes them more empathic.

I cannot offer much advice but can only offer you some sympathy and understanding. I have had five years of being taken back to court and it is still happening. The stress is unbearable and even the court said on the last occasion that it would be better if the father would go to mediation rather than continually using the court system over every minor, petty detail which heightens tensions.

Sadly this hasn't happened, despite compromises made by us, and last week I received another letter from the court.

You are right that for the sake of your son proceedings need to be brought to an end. Don't be afraid of self-representing, it's scary but better than the frustration of poor representation.

As for legal aid, we challenged the father's legal aid and it was revoked. He appealed and it was discharged. He later received legal aid again and we successfully challenged on the basis that he had bought a house which he did not disclose to his own solicitors (he went elsewhere for the conveyancing!) This may be a way to reduce his continual applications.

Sadly the Courts cannot order him to have contact. He sounds very childish from what you are saying about refusing to walk around a corner or let your partner take your child to the meeting place.

I wouldn't be intimidated by the threat of a costs order, that is rubbish. You can explain that you made your child available for contact and he refused it for a very petty and minor reason.

From what you've said, there is no reason why you can't just (in my opinion) represent yourself at the next hearing.

Just write down exactly what you've said on here. What has happened, your offers to make child available etc and his responses. Stay calm, be precise and to the point and you will be fine

thank you everyone.
yes im seriously concidering self representing though am petrified at the thought of it.
i am worried about ignoring his solicitors letter though. shall i ignore it or write back myself saying i would rather we went through the courts again? of course he has dreamed up a pack of lies and blamed me for stopping contact.
elsiemc i feel for you, its awful isnt it, thanks for the advise about challenging his legal aid, i didnt know this was an option. ive always told my solicitor about what i know and all i got not in our power to do anything about that blah blah...seems like my solicitors cant do much for all they get paid eh!. he lies about his address on his court/contact papers its an (ex)mutual friends home and no doubt he's also claiming housing benefit there and splitting it. i have reported him to the benefits fraud dept but they dont ever do anything.
thanks again everyone.x

njhc,

I have been in a very similar position to you. The last time I received correspondence from my exh's solicitor I wrote to her explaining the situation and what had happened. She did try and bully me into taking my ds back until I pointed out that I had a letter from my GP saying that I was NOT fit to travel and that the contact order stated I was to make * available for contact.

Both my exh and the solicitor backed down then.

If I were you I would write to his solicitor and put your case forward calmly. Explain the circumstances. That you do not wish to hinder contact in any way but that your working environment means that you cannot always be the one responsible for drop off and pick up, etc. You need to be firm but fair, which you do come across as.

Good luck, whatever you decide, but I am unsure that I would want to go back down the court route. It is an extremely stressful exercise that is clearly getting nowhere.

Me xx