Family Law Contact Order Advice

[Aeron]

Hi,

Hope someone can help.

I have 2 boys and have been in court the last 12 months as my ex applied for a contact order.

Currently me and the kids going to exs house for contact. I stay there too(this is not in order just agreed with me and ex).

I have been struggling with this arrangement for the last 3 months, due to the tensions it places on me. I accepted that it was my problem not an issue for the kids as such i have tried to deal with it.

I have now cracked under the strain. I have been signed onto Anti depressants, and my doctor has advised i can no longer carry on going.

I need to tell the ex this. So i am going to suggest he comes to collect instead. Now i suspect DC wont go with him, which is why i havent done this before.

We are back in court in a fortnight for a directions hearing. I am now having to LIP. Whats going to happen?

I assume a contested hearing? whats the delay on those? Will they take into account my mental state given i am trying to LIP? Will the understand why i can no longer carry on with contact the way it was? Im not stopping contact, i just cant go anymore?

And can anyone think of anything i can suggest other than him collecting which i suspect will fail?

Thanks

Get a letter from your GP saying that.

It's a directions hearing, so there shouldn't be a contested hearing where evidence is heard.

If your child won't go with him, might be worthwhile having cafcass speak to the child.

Hi,

I have a sick note signing me off work. Will i need a letter then saying it is specifically linked to the stress of contact?

So the directions hearing is likely to order a contested hearing then? Not us actually argue it out right then? What happens at a contested hearing?

CAFCASS spoke to DC back in April, and DC (6 almost 7) expressed a wish not to go alone, but couldnt articulate why exactly just that they needed me there. CAFCASS attempted a contact session without me. DC had meltdown. CAFCASS abandonded attempt. They made no recommendation in report, saying DC were reluctant for contact, but it was important that they had some due without me and it was increased due to long term benefits, saying they were confident me and ex could communicate to resolve it and suggested mediation.

You had forseen this problem. In my experience court will expect the dc to go. You need to work to solve this,either you taking dc there and walking straight out, or meeting locally.

Maybe he could collect from school to win confidence?
Or contact centre if necessary?
Phone contact midweek to build confidence?
There are things you could, and should be doing.

Why is it dragging on? What are you opposing?

At that age DC should be happy to go for contact. Cases I've had like this often involve an over anxious mother not giving the child true permission to enjoy himself with father. I think you need family therapy. Cafcass will have a budget for this, but near the end of the tax year there may be little cash left.
Have a long hard look at yourself though. There must be more you can be doing. Have you truly moved on following the breakdown of the relationship?

They go into school I presume? And dentist? So stating with their father should be pushed (by you) as well!

I am opposing ex building up contact to all weekend every weekend. I am also opposing his wish to have it stated in the order that i forcibly drag the children to contact if that is the only way that they will go.

We have both (me and the ex) forseen this problem. He as i said wanted me to "enable contact using whatever force was necessary" i was not and am not willing to do that. I have taken them and left them there. The memory of them screaming for me not to leave them is still with me. The fear i had when the exs mum rang me to say they had lost them because they had ran off looking for me is still with me. The horrible scenes the following week, when my DC were clinging screaming to their beds refusing to go to their dads is still with me and this is all months ago. I refused to use "force" for them to go, he came here.

Their reactions to him are OTT. He has done some stupid and wrong stuff with them, but nothing to warrent a reaction this substantial. I suspect they are picking up
on the tension between us. I hoped that by going and them seeing us as "friends" they would settle and then i could go. It has not worked. Whilst the DC are now better and actually come to contact willingly it is still all based on me being there.

However the atmosphere, and treatment i am subjected to has week by week crushed me. A fortnight ago i was physically mauled by the ex, and actually shut in a room because he was cross the DC wanted to show me something. I am not going again.

If there are things that i can do that will make this easier for the DC without me having to be around the ex then i am happy to do them if someone can tell me what they are.

I am happy to suggest collection from school, but that doesnt help with weekend problems. And not sure ex would be happy with weekday rather than weekend even in the hope it was a short term solution. They would also probably have to go into club, because i will be there are home time collecting my youngest, but it is a possibility i hadnt thought of and is worth exploring

We looked at contact centre. Ex doesnt want it because they have told him if DC flatly refuse to go they will not forcibly remove them from the car, and so he might not see them.

He rang midweek for 4 weeks. DC wouldnt talk. He stopped ringing. Although that was sometime ago, and they are better with him since then. Might be worth resuggesting. Still its no substitute for actual contact.

The bottom line problem is that as soon as they are told i am not staying with them they meltdown and remain distressed for his contact (well they have on the 5 times its been tried anyway and then it becomes impossible to get them to go the following week). I am not willing to use physical force to drag my DC to contact. I have said that if ex wants to use physical force he can do it himself. He does not want to, because he thinks it will impact negatively on him, and as his relationship is not as good with them as mine is, i should be the one having the negativity. That or he suggested my partner should do it.

Sorry x posts.

IloveTiffany

Yes they do go into school and into the dentist. But with respect, if everyday i was having to prise them out from under their beds to go to school, i would be working with the school to see what the issue was. If it wasnt resolved they would be going to a different school.

If upon arriving at the dentist, having been physically dragged there, they were extremely distressed, the dentist would not be able to do anything with them. They would end up being referred to the specialist dentists at the hospital.

Resolution

How do i give them true permission? And what can i do? Honestly i am interested? I am happy to put forward ideas, but currently i have none.

I have told them i want them to stay with daddy. I have photos of him in our home. I talk positively about the things they do with him and remind him of the fun i saw them have with him at the contact.

I do have unresolved issues from the relationship, in regards to my ability to communicate with him, and my fear of him. I am currently waiting on a referral to assertiveness training (suggested by my GP) which work is kindly paying for, as this should help me deal directly with the submissive issues i have with ex.

How do i get a family therapy referral from CAFCASS?

You mention his mum...... Can't she help?

They are picking up on your feelings here and suspect they are playing on this. You need to take a no nonsense approach. If they are like this with contact, what else do they control??

It sounds like a parenting problem, sorry, but I think you need to stop worrying about remembering them screaming etc and get tougher here! You can't let children dictate.

The phone contact is as well as physical contact. No court would recommend EVERY weekend. Not the whole weekend anyway.

In your last post you are saying it would be the schools and dentists problem. No. They are YOUR responsibility and it's up to you to change their attitudes over this. They simply don't have a choice and should not be pandered to.

Giving them true permission involves them knowing you mean it, and them noting picking up on your insecurities. Was there domestic violence? As you are already in court I suggest you speak to cafcass.

cafcass may well recommend contact centre. for say eigght sessions.

i think is best option.

that you go, leave the children with contact centre worker and they all deal with it.

or another third party.

then they can report back to court.

clearly you being involved in the contact time is a nitemare and is not a solution.

i agree that you being there doesnt help at all and they picking up on your worries (however valid they are).

use broken record technique with the DC - "you are going to see dad on saturday, you will be doing xxxxactivity they likexxxx it's going to be lots of fun"

when they comaplain - just repeat the same. shows them that as far as you concerend it is great time for them.

and make handovers with third party - it may eb you use a contact centre for this for a couple months.

a contact centre can be used for pick ups/drop offs.

it may take a few times before DC realsie tehre is no option.

otherwise -yes you could try school as neutral ground.

but cvafcass may suggest using a contact centre for the handover. totally neutral territory