social services sorry really long

[worriednconfused]

hello

i have name changed for this and am worried about writing about this as its a hard subject and i know i will probably be flamed for it i have 4 dc's and dp has 2dc's he isnt the father to any of mine but as been there for them and bin a father figure when their dad has refused

dp as had contact with his children every weekend since the split with his 2dc's mum he was in a relationship for 4years with another before me they split about a year ago and me and dp got together 7 months ago i met the dc's mum a couple of weeks after we got together i felt uneasy from the off i was preg with dc4 and as soon as i was offered a brew by her dp at the time she stated that her and that dp were trying for a baby and the said i should move with my dc's near to her and she would look after them anytime and it included over night stays i am as friendly as the next person but i wouldnt dream of such an offer on a first meeting

anyway we had his dc's at the weekends and everything seemed fine then after dp recieving a text asking if we could have the 2 dc's "as they were doin her head in" which we did the day after th exp dp texted my dp saying xx as told me something very intresting my dp asked what and the reply was they would tell him when they saw him dp explained it couldnt be that night as i had just recieved news that my grandad had been admitted into icu after having a stroke and tbh i was in no fit state to be on my own with the dc

the next day my dp went to work and was away for 3 days during this time his exp's p was texting and callin not the dc's mum laying down the law saying he wasnt to have the children over night and demanding money

when dp returened from work he had a call from social services and the police ss stated he wasnt to have contact with his dc's or the 2dc's mum and the police said they wanted him to go to the station the next day

dp went to the police station and was arrested and questioned he was accused of sexual abuse to his young daughter n was released on police bail i know this is were i'll get flamed an told i'm a bad mother but after he sat down and explained what he had been told i told him we could get through this and i continued the relationship

we have been to a solicitors and gave a brief of what had been said and dp side of it we was told were the ss were concerned we would have to wait till after the police investigation

it went on for 8 and a half months then we finally recieved the no further action as soon as we found this out we made arrangements to see the soilicitor

the ss has known about our relationship since all this started they went over what my dp was and wasnt allowed to do and i was told to expect another social worker to be in contact for a risk assessment this never happened

at the time the abuse was supposed to have happened my dp was with an exp and all this was supposed to have happened at her house my dp contacted her and warned her to expect a visit form the police and said why
his exp wouldnt like for him this i can assure you they had an msn conversation and she told him she hated him for the way the relationship ended and for taking the dog but she also said she knew he wouldnt do anything like he has been accused of and not only that he would have never had the chance or the time as she did all the care and if there wasnt 6 dc's running round she was their with him

it was also said this accusation was mentioned the year before the police was told dec and a mutual friend of them both was told nov dp has said at this time they were "sex buddies" and that she definatly didnt mention anything of the sort not only that she still allowed him to have unsupervised contact with the the 2dc's

it has also been mentioned by a police officer that the exp's now exp was also arrested over the same and that he has gone on the run and the mother had put the two dc's into foster care as she was told he couldnt live there with the children due to the allergations

when we got the nfa dp and myself got engaged and as soon as we had put it on facebook to let friends know we had a call from the dc's ss worker stating they would not allow even contact until after a meeting and that the other dc had began to say things obv she didnt state what had been said

we also have the issue that ss were incontact with the 2dc's at the time when the allergations were to have happened as there were concerns of neglect by the mother at the time dp was constantly working away so couldnt have the dc's living with him a fact he now dearly regrets

we have been told even though we have recieved the nfa ss want us to "carry on as before" as they still have issues to resolve

for a completely different issue we have now recieved a ss worker for our family as dc2 has behaviour problems and is currently going through a diagnosis process for autism and adhd when we met with our ss worker she stated there would be police checks and asked us if anything would come up dp was totally honnest and told them everything we gave dp's dc's ss worker name and contact number and after the first assement meeting at our home they got in contact with each other

i then recieved a call stating she would be coming to my home asap as she needed to talk to me and dp she then told us that dp wasnt allowed to stay over or take care of my dc's ie nappy changes bathtimes or bedtimes and that supervised contact was to continue ( we got told this a week after he had the nfa and as we didnt no dp stayed 2 nights which we were honnest and told them)

they have since been back with a written agreement which i have had to sign stating that dp will not have unsupervised contact or take care of my dc's she also said that as we had admitted he had stayed ova sine the nfa she had t contact the safeguard team even thought we had no idea until we wre contacted by the ss on the day the 2 workers spoke she also said if they felt i wasnt protecting my dc's they would be placed on the at risk register

my question is really were do we stand in all of this neither ss workers are willing to listen at all to what we have to say we fully understand they have a job to do and have told them this but surely they should listen to us as well i'm worried now about whats going to happen to my dc's but not only that i'm confused to why when we have people to back up what we are saying they refuse to listen

i'm sorry for the typos but this was very hard to write and at the moment i'm trying not to cry about all of this

TBH that was quite difficult to follow,partly becuase of all the DCs and partners/ex partners. maybe try writing it with fake names or A,B,C?

What is a nfa? Is it 'no further action'?
Unfortunatly (for you), nfa from the police is quite different from nfa from SW.

I assume you believe he is innoocent? Does he say why these allegations ahve been made? Does he still have contact with his DCs? I assume the police/SW have interviewed them as well as their Mum?

Have you had a case conference to discuss all this?

hi
thank you for your reply i'm sorry its confusing to follow my head isnt excactly in the best place at the moment

yes the nfa is no further action

and yes i know he is innocent he as been totally honnest with me from the sart of this and i have had to hear things about my dp i dont think anyone would like to hear about theirs i have also seen and been told things that totally back up what he is saying

he doesnt understand or know why these allergations have been made until this came up everything seemed to be going well we had his dc's every weekend without faiL and when they were here they both loved spending time with all of us his dd was very much a daddies girl and was always following him around telling him about school and what she had been up to

all we know is that the dd has been questioned by the police and ss as too as her mum he isnt allowed any contact as they said they had to have a local authrotiy (sp) meeting today and that he wouldnt be told the outcome until tuesday at the earliest

no we haven't been told anything about that we haven't really been told much just about the allergations and that they have concerns

hi sorry its taken so long to reply needed to get my head together to try and stop me waffling

we got together 7 months ago and all the allergations were made 6 months ago not 8 like i first said i was shaking when i wrote the orginal post

yes they have the police said it was suspision of rape and ss are now saying its a child protection case

i havent been told much but dp explained everything to me at the begining ss wouldnt say much but i have also been with do to all the soilictors appointments and seen the bail sheet he was given

yes we got the nfa on the 23rd dec but was only told on the 3rd of jan

ss have recently said we have to carry on with supervised contact he isnt allowed to change nappies potty training (i have 2 dc's under 3 and he isnt allowed to put them to bed or bath them which isnt really an issue as i have always done these things

we have been checked up on by the ss for the first time since all this began tonight at first time since all this began even though they know we have been together all this time it isnt really an issue as we now have the proof that we have done everything they have told us to do

but when they came in the house they said he wasnt allowed to be here at all so i showed them the agreement i signed to say i wouldnt let him have unsupervised contact etc then it changed to him not being allowed to be here after 10 o'clock which we have never been told

i explained this and said this was the first time we had had a check like this and they seemed surprised

i know people will think i'm stupid for standing by him but i know he didn't and wouldn't do what they are saying the ex who's house he was living in at the time of the allergations has backed up everything he has said and too many things dont add up

i will see if they'll speak to me on my own

i don't think your being harsh and i do appreciate you being honnest but i do beleive him due to the fact the ex who he was with at the time of the allergations and who he had been with for 4 years has backed up everything he has said

i do understand why it is a child protection issue and that they are trying to make sure my dc's are safe i'm just confused to the way they are going about things and why they wont listen to what we have to say i find it concerning that the ss are supposed to be working together and information that is being passed around is wrong and at times we are not being told anything ie when the police nfa came through no one told us that ss still wanted the supervised contact

I'm a little confused too, but let me try to summarise -
you have been with him for 7 months, and he lives with you, and your 4DCs. He has two DCs that he used to have once a fortnight, until their mother told the police that his DD had disclosed sexual abuse by him.

You don't believe that he has done this, the police have investigated, and have NFAd.

Since then, SS have told you that you must not allow him unsupervised contact with your DCs, they were supposed to be in touch to do an assessment, but never did, now they have been in touch and changed the terms of the written agreement. Is that right?

Ok so where do you stand - well you have to acknowledge that what your P's DD has alleged is extremely serious. You have reasons to believe that it didn't happen, but they do not, yet, and as such they must treat the safety of all the DCs involved as paramount. As SGM says you haven't known him long, and as a SS professional I'd be inclined to reserve judgement, and in fact as someone's girlfriend I'd also be reserving judgement.

SS should be open with you about the process they are going through. They should come and speak to you both, and your DCs, in order to ascertain the truth if they can. When that happens you can talk to them about any evidence you have of his innocence. They should then decide whether they feel that a Child Prorection Conference is appropriate. That is a meeting with SS, you, police, health visitors etc, in which they will take reports and discuss the risks posed, and if necessary, write a child protection plan which you would have to adhere to. They would then continue their investigation and when concluded either close case, if they are happy that your DP is innocent, or explain what you will need to do if they do not believe he is innocent.

There are women who will lie about sexual assault, or coach DCs to lie about it, in custody issues after a split, but it's rare. Far more likely, as a rule, is that the woman or child is telling the truth. SS would have done an ABE interview with the DC which stands for achieving best evidence. Whether or not the police can glean sufficient evidence, the SW will make up their own mind based on this, and they are very good at spotting a DC who has been coached. You need to find out whether or not they believe the child.

Can you think of any reason why your DP's ex would coach her DC to lie? What would be in it for her? Because it's not something that rational people do.

I think you need to contact the office that got in touch with you, and find out who is allocated to your case, and request a full and frank disclosure of their concerns around your P and your DCs. You need to have a chat with them without your DP there too. Keep an open mind, I'm sorry to say that I'd be inclined to think your P is lying and his DD is telling the truth.

no dp doesnt live with us we haven't lived together since we started our relationship at the begining he stayed over a few times when he wasn't working

i met his dc's at the begining and we used to take all the dc's out the times they visited the dc's were always happy to spend with their dad and a majority of the time became upset when it was time for them to go home his dd always wanted to be doing stuff with like when making meals she always wanted to help and would spend ages sat on her dads knee chatting to him bout what she had been up to and playing hairdressers getting him to give her differnt hairstyles then her doing my hair as her dads was too short

the whole thing with dp's dc's mum is suspisous before this began i was on benefits and i got a visit from the benefits office saying they had been told he was living with me and working we gave them his details and address they went away and seem satisfied this happened a few days of her trying to add me on facebook

i have spoken to dp's family and they have told me bout numerious occassions of the dc's mum dissapearing with the dc's after meeting men on the internet and when either the relationship ends or when dp says he's he'll go to a solicitor then she returns with the dc's

the p also sent my dp pictures of the dc's just after a bath and not very well covered up my dp went mad and said that pictures like that shouldnt be taken especially not by him which i do agree with as it would be my reaction if anyone took pictures of my dc's like that

dp was with me when the texts and calls regarding the allergations were first made she wasnt the one to tell dp it was her then p he told dp they wanted more money from him and they would let him know when he could see the dc's he was also told they weren't going to the police or ss but if he didnt agree to their terms then they would i know this as a fact as he had the phone on loud speaker at the time it was 4 days later the police and ss got in contact with dp

the police was told that the dc's mum mentioned all this in dec 09 but she has told mutual friends of her and dp that it was november 09 yet it wasnt mentioned to the police or ss at the time it was first apparently brought up

the dc's mum p also had allergations made against him and they ended up in foster care due to the fact the dc's mum continued to let him live in her house he has since gone on the run and no one know's where he is this alone rings alarm bells with me why disapear if you dont have anything to hide

i know people will be more inclined to believe the allergations but i was an abused child i know how subdued you become and how you try to prevent yourself from being in situations with your abuser his dd has never been like this she was a happy little girl who if anything got upset at going home

I could write an equally long and complex reply to this, however I'll try not to.

There are so many issues you are about to contend with. SS don't like 'finding nothing' because it affects their targets, especially their adoption targets.

SS and Police although work in Partnership under Children's Safeguarding Boards established in every local authority area, do not operate on the same rules.

Police must obtain evidence beyond reasonable doubt to succeed in a conviction. SS only have to 'have a wish to believe' and put that thought to a Judge.

1st. Do not agree to anything, especially doesn't say 'I could do better as a parent' because immediately you place yourself in the 'future emotional harm' category.

LEARN the well being model of the CAF and read the Family Assessment.

SS have to follow a veryt strict protocol, but they don't and they don't tell you what they are doing.

Both are wrong and against the rules, and in fact can be against the law.

Always ask SS to explain to you clearly the purpose, process and potential outcomes.

DO EVERYTHING IN WRITING.

Reply to their letters carefully and after a few days. They will take several weeks.

If you need advice, contact 020 33 1825 83 ext 845. The advisor's are no nonsense but be aware that if you aren't truthful the advice they will give when you act upon, might cause you more drama. The strategies don't leave much space for error or to change direction because they follow the Integrated Children's System flow charts.

If you have any meetings in person record everything.

Ask questions. Ask what the purpose of any invitation to a meeting is.

If they ask you to 'explain why there are concerns' DON'T.

This is a ploy to get you to admit one of 497 'well being' warning flags. You only have to tick one box and you are in for a life of hell.

Any child that becomes 'looked after' has a Looked After record till they turn 17.

When your children have children (or their partners if they have been LAC) then the moment they report as pregnant they are entered into Symphony and the LA becomes aware of a 'future emotional harm' concern.

This triggers a Care Planning Meeting to determine whether the child should be removed at birth or not.

Have I scared you yet?

Foster carer's are paid between £200 and £400 per week per child. Don't you wish someone paid you £400 a week to feed your child, send them to school and feed them dinner?

Watch beinfilm.com/l/silentchldren

Be aware too, if your partner makes allegations against his ex - even if in the family court, they will fall into Child Protection interest.

Under the new rules, your husband is unlikely to be entitled to public funding, given there are 'allegations' against him. That means you won't be able to get a solicitor.

Good luck, it's a horrible situation to be in and the only solution is to LEARN a lot of about the system in the shortest time, and AVOID expressing emotions.

No point telling social workers they are the scummiest [insert fav expletives] - they hear it 60,000 times a year (that's how many parent have children removed every year)

The average removal case runs between 60 and 130 weeks. Only 3% of children are returned to parents. Adoption targets and financial incentives to LA's to pay for Adopting training and to receive life time funds for adopting families, not to mention adoption agencies like Bernados and NSPCC who derive the majority of their funds from foster and adoption services shoudl be avoided.

And if you think you're smart and will 'get one in' by calling Bernados, NSPCC or other like charities to complain about your EX, and willing to hand over addresses and names and children's dates of birth - then you can be assured you're children will be taken into care late in the night when police and social workers attend you home with Emergency Police Protection powers.

The Charities take your details and forward the reports to both police and LA Social Services. They are members of the Childrens Trust Boards and hence for each referral if there is a 'child in need outcome' seek the 'what's in being a member for me' kick back of providing services in the name of the paramount best interests of the child.

These organisations invest £20,000 a year into the CTB's because they make ten times that in service provision for foster, contact centres, adoption services, training and much more.

Hope that's helpful.

Love it!:o

Just remember that it is the safety of your children that is the issue here. Be open and honest with those professionals dealing with your case. If you follow the advise of legalmums you'll create an us and them situation. Won't help you at all.

not a nice situation and hard to follow, im I right in understanding his children are now in the care system.

If im brutally honest this is a relationship I would want to end now. not because I have suspicions of dp but because at only 7 months it will be walk awayable to an extent as I would not want this family being involved in my own dcs life. It is not stable nor conducive to a child with the needs your child does, et alone possible risk he is under being around this family.

a lesson learnd also is with dcs of your own a relationship needs to be taken very slowly.

as far as ss involvement a suspended rape would indicate lack of evidance there fore ss have a duty to become involved here.

honestly please just end this relationsip you dnt need it.