Unreasonable behaviour/getting husband to leave the marital home

[thetideishigh]

I intend to ask my husband to attend relate type counselling but fear he will refuse.

If/When he does, I will ask for a divorce.

I have no legally documented dv but there have been a couple of issues where I could have called the police but the shame factor put me off, I was manhandled rather than beaten. H would like to beat me into submission I'm sure but can just about control himself to the point of making the gesture but not following through.

If divorce proceedings are initiated I really need to stay in the marital home as we have pets to consider, proximity to kids school/childcare/my work etc. Home is not close to H's work however so logically he needs to be the one getting a new place.

Based on his previous behaviour though, I suspect he will simply refuse to leave.

Where do I stand legally ?

Any advice gratefully accepted.

Thanks in advance

You can apply for an occupation order so that the court can force him to move out, but in the circs as you describe, I am not sure you would get one.

The courts describe them as 'draconian orders' as they prevent someone from exercising their legal right to live in property they rent/own. Generally there has to be some pretty serious violence or emotional abuse going on before one is ordered.

His behaviour does sound worrying, but I am not sure what you describe would get you over the threshold. How threatened/worried did you feel? Where were the children? did they see or hear anything?

Perhaps say to him if there is any further incident you will apply for an order, the tension at home is likely to ramp up once you do take definite steps to end the relationship.

there is no particular advantage to him staying, sounds like if you are primary carer of children you would end up in the house anyhow.

I assume he has enough money to rent somewhere while divorce proceedings go through? I would have thought most people would find it so miserable to live in same house while this is going on, that he might well make the decision to leave.

But if he refuses, I don't think there is anything you can do, other than try to push for quick financial settlement and get the house in your name.

What you describe is domestic violence.

The Government definition of domestic violence against both men and women (agreed in 2004) is: "any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse [psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional] between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality."

Essentially any unwanted touching is an assault.

Many decent family lawyers do free initial advice. Might be worth talking to one. Look forone that belongs to the law society's family law panel or is a member of resolution

Also look up the case of Grubb v Grubb on the familylawweek website - wife got an occupation order without the need to prove violence.

As shelscrape mentions, worth seeking advice.

Thankyou so much for your responses.

His behaviour is now at a level of constant and I mean CONSTANT passive aggressive/sneering/blaming anything and everything that is not going right on me. It's like he is permanently miserable and not happy with anything in his life and he wants to blame this state of events on me.

He pushes me aside rather than saying "excuse me" and will not move aside when the situation is reversed, leaving me to have to push past him. I don't want the dc picking this up as normal behaviour and following suit (as I have spotted is starting to occur) so I feel I have to do something.

I have now booked to see a solicitor for a free initial consultation but will check if they are family law panel/ resolution members.

Eldest dc is a worrier and I really don't want to uproot them, plus having perused local rental properties, most of the suitable ones won't allow pets.

Resolution, would you be able to advise re the possibility of spousal maintenance ? I had a free 1/2 hour with a solicitor this morning and they were vaguely dismissive of the possibility of this as "being unnecessary in your case"

I earn about £25,000 p.a. less than my husband partly because I work reduced hours to be able to do school run in the morning and give the dc an evening meal at a reasonable time. If I worked full-time hours the dc would have to go to breakfast club and would also be having to eat their evening meal too late when homework/music practice etc is factored in and bed-times would be later (experience shows they would be grumpy/sleep deprived and not happy). Also if I worked full-time they would have to miss out on after-school activities which they enjoy and which my husband would be very annoyed about if I simply said no I didn't want to bother taking them to.

I have/had a good career although things are currently not so good as my "performance" has gradually slipped over the years due to miserable home environment/non co-operative husband in connection with anything to do with supporting my ability to work and naturally with needing to be there when the dc are ill. One child has had potentially long-term health issues but which are now thankfully almost completely resolved.

Will the fact that I already have a good job and could support the dc by myself (even without child maintenance) mean that I have no chance of claiming for spousal maintenance ?

I have also just started to need to make myself available to support my parents who live about 20 mins away from us and are in their early seventies. I was thinking of cutting my working hours further to accomodate this. (I would have been prepared to do the same for dh's parents as he is an only child but they live abroad). Will a court factor any of this in at all ?

My dad has been admitted to hospital so I am postponing any further separation/divorce intentions at present but preparing behind the scenes as and when I get some time.

Any advice from any other knowledgeable individuals or anyone who has been in a similar situation would also be greatly appreciated.

I think your solicitor may be right. the courts must impose a clean break if they can. Sometimes the split of capital is unequal, so the wife may get extra capital in lieu of maintenance. As you say, you could support your child without maintenance. Spouse maintenance has alot to do with need (although there can be an entitlement element).

If I were you I'd prefer to be able to say to the judge that as you're foregoing a claim for spouse maintenance you should get more capital.

I'm not sure that reducing your hours to look after your parents makes sense at this time. Paying for 2 households where there was previously one is hellishly expensive, and will need all available income. OK - I accept that you might have done that if happily married, but would you do that if you'd had your divorce settlement and were on your own now?

He'll still have to pay child maintenace at CSA rates.

Reducing my hours to make myself available a few hours each week to sort out stuff for my parents is never going to make sense financially but it will be "expected" by the family in general and my parents regularly helped me out with childcare emergencies when the dc were small.

I'm going to be financially worse off whenever I do it but I suppose thought it would be taken into account as part of divorce financial calculations if it became the norm now rather than after the divorce.

We should be able to manage to rent/maintain somewhere else in addition to the family home, it won't be a problem unless one of us is massively unreasonable, oh hang on, my husband couldn't go and rent a ridiculously expensive home just to reduce joint funds dramatically whilst the divorce is in progress could he ?

What happens to joint savings/current account funds once divorce proceedings are commenced ?

Getting a bit scared about the financial side of things now as I fear it may end up with all my resources plus child maintenance being used to break even at the month end whereas husband will have considerable spare disposable income each month. Grim recompense for what I am curently putting up /have put up with.

Need advice. I am a mum of 14 and 11 year old boys. My husband their step dad critises my son's behaviour and shouts at them and says I am a weak mother. Sine examples In the middle of night my son went to the toliet and peed on the seat. In the morning by husband went ballistic shouting at him going on about it throughout the day. Another example he says to me in front of them when they tell him they love him it is fake and they are only saying this because they want something. He now says he wants nothing to do with them and is blanking us all. This is heart breaking I am walking on egg shells and my gut is telling me he is being emotionally abusive . What rights do I have can I make him leave as the atmosphere is terrible. Need advice he is just living in our bedroom so I am sleeping on the seatee. He is making our lives hell the house deeds and mortgage are in my name only but he pays monthly contributions

@bec45 this is an old thread from 2011. You would get a better response if you started your own thread to ask for advice. Click on Start a new thread in this topic at the top of the page.