Changing childs surname advice needed..

[sweetsmiler]

My son is 5 years old and me and his father have been seperated for last 4 years i have a partner who has been involved in his life for the last 4 years but he also sees his biological dad every weekend. (thats the background done) I have a 7yr old daughter who has a different father than my son and she wants to change her surname to my partners as well as change my surname to my partners. My daughters father has no PR so i can do this without his consent however i want to change my sons and his father is not happy about it and refusing as he has PR. The issue i have is that both my children have my surname but my sons name is double barrelled without the hyphen with his fathers surname and my surname..i want to change my surname to my partners and keep the biological link with his father there but my ex partner does not see it that way he is just refusing point blank to let me change my sons surname which is my surname. I would take him to court myself without the help of solicitor but im wondering if its going to be worth it in the end or am i fighting a losing battle?....

Why change all of your names to your partners? If you all want the same name, wouldn't it be easier if he changed to yours? Then you don't have to have this debate with your DS's dad and it's only one person changing rather than three.

yes i did think that but my partner has two children of his own who have his surname so if my partner changed his name to mine it might cause them to feel upset... and we dont want to rock the boat my daughter has my surname and she wants to have my partners...and as my son has his fathers as well as mine im not breaking any link that is/isnot already there...does that make sense?...

But your Ex probably doesn't want his ds to carry another man's name next to his which I guess is fair. Enough given he has pr. Could you not double barrel your dd's so she has yours and his so you,your dd and ds still all carry your name.easier given her dad doesn't have pr.

can see ur point but even if i doubell barrell my daughters name to mine it still wont solve the issue of my son

I think changing every ones names to your partners name is wrong.

@italianlady...care to share your thoughts?....

Not what you are asking I know but I agree that changing your ds name is not appropriate especially as he has ongoing contact with his bio dad.

Your dd is also very young to be making such long term decisions, I can see you taking her wishes on board but changing everyones names for her wishes seems a bit extreme.

If you double barrel yours and dds name with your partners and yours then you will all have elements of the same names with the exception of ds having your partners name, he would still have your name. Under the circumstances I would say that is the most reasonable solution.

whyhavepets...i appreciate that response a lot....i guess i knew that in a way if i was convinced i was right i wouldnt of gone onto a forum...but glad i did now.... as for @italian lady...i came on here for advice...not your opinion!!

It just doesn't sit right with me. You have 2 children by 2 different fathers so already it is a bit complicated and potentially unsettling for your children and now you want to introduce a new surname which isn't even the surname of either father. You say nothing about your partner wanting to marry you or adopt your children so I wonder what would happen if you split up? Having a fathers name can mean a lot to children ime.

And before anyone jumps on me I am not having a go about you having 2 kids by 2 dads.

Clearly, I should have read your next post before posting.

I am in exactly the same situation. Have been with DP 5 years we have a DS2 together, my DP and DS2 have his surname. Me my DD and my DS1 have MY surname. my DD is 13 and has no contact with her bio father since she was 6 months(he's not allowed anywhere near us court ordered to stay away) she is allowed to change to my DP surname and has been using his surname as a preferred name for some time now, I've been using my DP surname for ages too and we will all be changing surname when me and DP get married. However DS1 will have to stay in MY surname as he has contact with his bio dad and his bio dad will not allow the change, nothing that can be done have been told by solicitors not even worth the money going to court, the only thing is that if DS1 wants his surname changed he can do it himself when hes 16.

DS1 is a bit upset by this as he wants the same name as the rest of us, we have been thinking about DP taking my surname

SS, you are welcome. Changing surnames is a thorny business. I speak from bitter experience having changed my dcs name and then had to change it back once the [digusting] truth came out. They wanted to change at the time and they wanted to change back too as they wanted absolutly no link to him . From the sadder but more experienced place that I am now I would say that fiddling with surnames is not a great idea. You have no idea what the future holds, so many things can change so fast that I tend to advise on the side of caution with this issue.

My honest opinion is that everyone should give their dc their own name right from day one and then stick with that name no matter what happens in the future - double barrel your own if you marry but leave the dc name well alone - but of course that is just not the right advice for everyone so I do endevour to be sensitive about it!

Emjxxx, I would suggest that your dp taking your name would be a good solution. there is no rules about who does what and times are changing so traditional does not always fit.

It is difficult to have a family with different surnames (we are now saddled with that because of PR just like you and the op) but it is not the end of the world so long as you can "sell" it to your dc in a way that they can be happy with. However, if there is an easy solution, I would go with it if your dp is happy enough.

WhyHavePets - I'm sorry to hear that you have obviously had a bad experience.

It is a very touchy subject. TBH I think that what is more than likely to happen is that I will stay in MY surname and so will DS1 and the rest of them will be DPs surname. DP is adopting DD. When DS1 is old enough to choose what he wants and is old enough to understand that having a different name is ok, if he wants to stay in my surname he can or if he wants to change then we both can.

Would your dd not consider double-barreling her/your name and dps? That way she would have his name and also the same name as ds1 meaning that he is not left totally out in the cold IYSWIM? (I mean from his POV obviously I know youa re nto actually leaving him out!). At her age she might be willing to consider it if it makes the whole situation easier for her little brother?

At present there is actually no statute/legal rule or regulation preventing a parent from unilaterally exercising PR and changing a name. All the other parent can do is to apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent the name change happening should they know about it in advance or apply for a Specific Issue or Prohibited Steps Order to change the name back.

Having said that the guidance from the higher courts is permission from all those with PR should be sought to change a name. The view taken is that identity is important and a child's name is part of that. When someone applies to change a child's name by deed poll written consent is required. If consent isn't forthcoming it is an uphill struggle persuading the courts that a change of name is in the best interests of children.

hmmm...

Interesting reading.... STIDW you seem to know a fair bit about this. Maybe you can offer some advice?

My daughter has my surname, as this was my preference. Her father, who is not my partner and wasn't at the time she was born, is pressuring me to change her name to include his surname.

I am not inclined to do so for a whole host of reasons.

He is really becoming a pain now, and sends me constant emails/ brings it up when he is visiting etc...

Ultimately I do not want to change her name and unless I suddenly wake up one day not caring either way I am not going to let this happen.

Can he force me? Or waste everyone?s time trying? He seems to have endless resources to put into this. I am concentrating on looking after my daughter :)

It is very unusual these days for the courts to order a change of name. A link with the bio father via the name is something important, even (or perhaps especially) if no contact is taking place.

It is now settled law that changing a child's name is something that can only be done by all those with parental responsibility (see link below).
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

The Court of Appeal issued guidance some years ago (I think HaleLJ) that even fathers without PR should be consulted on a change of name as a matter of good practice.

Pencilmein - he can't force you. Relax.

I really do think your children should wait until they are 18-years-old (adults) before any name-changing takes place.
If THEY then feel it is what they wish to do; then it is up to them.
I personally dislike this trend for children NOT to have fathers' name; sorry, but it exists so that people do not end up in bed with half-sibling and so on. I am not being sexist here, if it was traditional for children to have MOTHER'S name I'd feel the same i.e. don't rock the status quo as the status quo may exist for valid reason (s).

Also, sweetsmiler, what will you do if you and partner split (and please don't say that you won't as none of us knows what is ahead), are you THEN going to change children's name back to name at birth? Sorry, but I find the whole thing a bit silly.

Name changing is a really sensitive area and I would wait until you and your partner are married.

DP and I have 3 children between us all of whom live with us. Our 2 daughters (his biologically, not mine) both have their biological mothers surname, so they have no link to either of us and they have no contact with their birth mother at all. We will be applying to change their surname to his later this year but this could prove difficult as a birth mother has pr regardless of situation until she dies or the children are adopted. So even though the courts have ruled that she isn't allowed any contact with any of her children, they could still refuse the name change based on her still having pr.

Our DS (not dp biological child, but mine from my previous marriage)has my ex H's surname and once DP and I are married I shall ask my ex if he would allow a name change. If he says no then we shall just leave it no court will over rule him as he has pr and sees ds regularly.

All 3 are known as DP's surname at the school, drs, dentists everywhere really. Wouldn't a known as name be the best option?

I wouldn't change anyone's name if I was you, complete waste of time and seems to cause nothing but trouble in the long run.

My cousins DS had his name change three times during his childhood only to then change it himself when he was 18, back to the name he originally started with, his bio dads who he had had no contact with growing up. I guess he didn't want his mums exs name, even though he did at the time when he was a child.

I know you didn't want opinions, but I have to say, don't do it.

BTW I am married and we have three DCs together. I kept my name, DH kept his name and DCs are double barrelled. I can't see any situation in the future that I would want to change their names.