Advice please about what steps i should take next re contact

[KindKim]

I would really appreciate some advice on the next steps i should take with regard to stopping contact with between my daughter and my ex.

Not sure how much background is necessary so bear with me...

Ex was emotionally abusive to me, and physically and emotionally abusive to both his own and my children from previous marriages. We have a young child together. He had been having regular contact with her and he has continued to be controlling and emotionally abusive towards me since the split.

As time progresses i am realising more and more how abusive he is. It breaks my heart to think he may treat our daughter the same as he treated me and the other children. Something snapped in me after a recent handover of our daughter and i realised i am very close to having a breakdown due to his presence in our lives and the way he treats us.

Having seen the advice on here numerous times to contact Women's Aid, i did. From this i found the courage to stop contact. This then led to a harrassment warning being served to him by the police.

He has now instructed a solicitor who has written to me requesting that we attend mediation, in an attempt to avoid going to court. I saw a solicitor today, recommended by Womens Aid but feel very confused about what to do next....But i need to let his solicitor know by close of business tomorrow.

If i agree to mediation, is there any chance that an emotional abuser will change? If we end up with supervised visits how long will these last before he can then have contact unsupervised potentially carrying on in his old ways and damaging our daughter.

I am concerned about going to court due to the fact that his abuse has no witnesses and therefore its a case of my word against his. He can be full of charm and i worry he will just pull the wool over a judges eyes.

I am also aware that the welfare of the child is paramount, and feel that its quite likely he will be awarded contact with the premise that it is beneficial for a child to have a relationship with their dad, despite the fact that quite often the dad is going to have a negative affect on the child.

I am also worried about the cost of going to court, i have been assessed and i am not entitled to legal aid, although i cant see how i can afford it either. Obviously i want to do what is best for my daughter but the cost of it is very daunting, especially when there is no evidence. When i was leaving the solicitor today, i was very confused, and asked her, if she thought i had a leg to stand on in court. She responded very quickly with an 'oh yes definetly'. But would she just say this to get business?

I imagine there will be costs to pay if we go to mediation, who is liable for these? If i am not happy with the outcome of mediation, and we proceed to court, will it look good on my part that i tried mediation, ie co-operative, or will it bite me in the bum if in the future if i am not happy with the way he is treating her and stop contact again, this time ending up in court? Can i have a solicitor with me during mediation or will this just be a waste of money?

I dont think i am thinking very clearly about it all, not helped by the fact that i felt the solicitor i saw seemed young and possibly inexperienced. I had a free half hour with a different solicitor when we first split and felt she was much more on my side and gave me likely outcomes rather than just sentences stating 'legally what will happen is...' Should i go back to initial solicitor? Nobody has recommended her to me, i got her number in the phonebook, but felt a much better rapport with her. How much is this relevant to the outcome? SO confused about it all....

There are other issues involved too...i know he was on drugs in the summer, he has told me that his bedsit had drug raids on it, but of course now denies this.

SO much i could say but dont know how much is relevant....can anyone advise me on the process from here on, and if anyone cares to hold my hand while i'm going through all this it would be appreciated soooooo much.

Thank you for reading this far, i will appreciate your responses, but will be dipping in and out throughout the evening due to children needing my attention.

TIA
Kim.

What a horrible situation you are in Kim,..I do have a bit of experience,but not enough to help much, sorry..

I do know it will look a lot better in court if you go to mediation,i have never heard of a solicitor attending as the mediator will write a report.

I would also go back to your original solicitor,if you feel more comfortable with her,as it is important that you feel your side is being put forward by someone you trust.

Yes, my DS2s dad had a terrible cocaine habit,which was well known too.Unfortunately you can't(as i couldn't) use that,because it cannot be proved unless he was convicted for possession.It's really bloody frustrating, i know.

Keep in contact with womens' aid, do you have one locally? or was previous advice given over the phone? If it does go to court, someone from there can go with you

Hopefully other MNers can give you some more detailed answers re. the other bits too. X

Thank you Jellykat for your response.

Sorry you had to go through a similar situation.

Its useful to know it will look better if i attend mediation first and that a report will be written.

I will phone the other solicitor tomorrow to get some feedback from her. She has recently started out on her own so hopefully she will have time to talk.

I suspect my exs drug use is only occasional/recreational rather than 'needing' it every day. Todays solicitor did say he could be ordered to have a drug test but i suspect if he knows he is going to have one, he just won't take any and therefore be clean.
At our last handover he looked awful, has lost a lot of weight he couldn't afford to. He looked very unkempt and he was always a man who took pride in his appearance. If he was standing on a street corner holding a copy of the big issue he had just bought, you would think he was homeless. There is also the concerning fact that he told me that the other people in his house share
were all into drugs with odd comings and goings and drug raids by the police. As soon as i stopped contact he said that they had all moved out and that he never said anything about drug raids

If your ex had 'a terrible cocaine habit' what was the outcome in your situation? Why on earth is this not relevant when he is in charge of a child?

I feel bad about contacting womens aid, as we no longer live together and i feel like i am taking time that may be useful to someone in more immediate danger. I have been twice and found them very supportive and full of 'gung ho' but when i tried to act on their advice, not sure i have been given 100% accurate information. Maybe i should try again.

I find it quite draining attending all these appointments and thinking about it all, all the time. I know i will come out the other side, but maintaining the strength to get there is hard at times. I just want a simple life, where i worry about whats for dinner, have i enough school uniform ironed for tomorrow etc. Only had two hrs sleep last night, worrying about the solicitors appointment, so what state will i be in if we end up in court??

Thank you for taking the time to read and answer my thread, hope you got the best outocome and life has settled down for you now.

Kim.

My ex is,as most coke addicts are,a highly respected member of society! i.e very well dressed,really really good job etc etc.. thats the beauty of cocaine-its not as obvious as heroine, that is until their noses start to disappear..

My solicitor said we could ask for a test, but there wasn't a lot of point as he had 2 other children from a previous relationship,and he persuaded his XP to write a statement to the courts saying how wonderful he was!..GRRR

Womens aid were a godsend to me.Just really for other women to talk to,who 'knew'.. All legal advice can come from your solicitor,if you're not sure.Have you talked to friends/family to get some support?

It is a really really draining situation, there are a lot of letters and appts. its horrible, really really horrible,but in a weird way because it tends to be quite a slow process i.e it won't happen next week, you kind of find out things as you go along,and get used to it at each stage.My DS2 was 1 when it started,and only slept for 2 hours at a time (seriously),-I got through it,and i'm a numpty!!

Try not to worry about the solicitors, they are being paid to work for YOU, and to help YOU.

Try the mediation,something may be resolved with that. Stay strong,and look after yourself.. You are fighting for what is right,and try not to worry,there is a lot that can happen before court X

P.S Yes all is well now Thank you, it was all a while ago.. Keep posting and let me know how it goes! X

Thanks agin, Jellykat, your posts are very reassuring.

I will try womens aid again, and definetly intend to do their freedom programme, in the near future once i catch up with myself.

In a way i wonder if it would be easier if it was an intense short period rather than a long drawn out process. I'm wondering if i can plan for Christmas, or could he be having contact with her by then?
Although it may be easier to take the time and think about it all as it happens slowly..who knows, just wish it was over and i could actually move on with life properly.

Yes i have confided in friends and family. My family are not local and so support takes place on the phone, although at this stage legal knowledge is limited and i know my mum feels inadequate being so far away. I am very very lucky to have a good few fantastic friends. One in particular has been an absolute rock. She has been there for me at every stage of this since before the split, at all hours of the day and night, despite having her own life to live and her own issues. I think it is really hard for people who haven't been through domestic abuse to comprehend me though, 'why did you put up with it though?' etc. From that point of view i felt womwns aid were spot on, they 'got' me, and even told me his next steps/reactions, and they were sooo right!

I am so lucky really, amazing children, good health, lots of love from wonderful people in our lives....must remember all this during a low moment! Just need to get through all this...

And you are right, i am doing the right thing, it is my duty as my daughters mother! She can't speak for herself so its up to me to do it for her ....

Thanks again,

Kim

Hi Kim,

How did you get on today???

I reread all of this thread, you mention other children, i presume your XP has children from a previous relationship?or are you referring to how he previously treated your other DCs? Is there history there that could help build your case?

I presume your solicitor is advising for limited access?

What you must think about is, it is quite likely you will have to agree on some sort of contact,if pushed what can you deal with? i.e every other Saturday between 10 and 5.. These are the basic details you have to discuss in mediation and with your solicitor,
and you must be able to explain why, you can't simply say because hes a bugger!
Think about your daughters' routine,clubs you're other DCs belong to on a Saturday,and need picking up from etc.

What i managed to get written into my contact order were details like; my XP was not allowed onto my premises,if he was going to be late for,or had to cancel contact,i had to be notified in reasonable time as to avoid any distress for me,all belongings had to be returned at end of day,even things like what my DS had eaten had to be written in a note handed to me.It sounds really extreme,but these details eliminated any need for face to face communication between us,therefore abuse to me, and negative atmosphere for DS to witness.The reality is it's all a cruel case of 'damage limitation'.

You will have a bit more weight behind you,with a history including a police warning for harassment,and i'm glad you have some lovely people around you, it's really hard..

OMG You're XP doesn't know you post on MN does he?? PM me if there is any possibilty of this!