*really* complicated question

[beaniemama]

hi , im new here and have heard good good things about how helpful you guys are so i figured as im in a bind , this would be a great place to start ..
my ex partner has a new lady in his life , and she is still married & lives with her husband (though as far as i know theyre seperated but still live together with her husbands parents .. ). a) i have stopped my son sleeping over at her house as i find the whole situation unsavoury , and b) he has to share a bed with this couples 2 daughters aged 5 & 10 .. and i really feel uncomfortable with this . am i legally entitled to say to him taht he can take our son (5 ) to VISIT his new lady & her family , but to ask my ex to not let our son sleep over at this house as i dont think its right .

How about a blow-up bed and a sleeping bag for your son? I don't know what's "unsavoury" about the situation (though I'll grant you it's unusual) since the adults all seem to be able to get along.

As far as the law is concerned you have no control over what your ex does with your son whilst he is in his care unless he is endangering you son's welfare. You may not like the situation and it certainly sounds unconventional but that doesn't necessarily mean you can stop it. Can you talk to your ex about your concerns?

you got a very VERY condensed verion , ive been lied to , left right & center about whats going on & whos with who , and at times due to being lied to so much i havent had a clue where or who my kid is with . i need to be able to feel comfortable with a situation before i can feel comfortable with him being involved in it and i honestly cannot while i an having half truths and blatant lies shoved at me . im hapy theres a woman in both their lives who is good to my son , but i really dont think he has to see daddys unusual changing sleeping arrangements with someone elses wife , and be in bed with older daughters . shrugs i dont KNOW if im being unreasonable and before i speak to a solicito id like some feedback . id be happy with him sleeping on an airbed ill suggest it . thank you

prh47bridge - i have spoken to him about it , but he refuses to let me finish a sentence on the subject quite honestly . he thinks im doing it as i want him back ( not the case) or i dont like her ( dont know her well enough but ive only heard good things ) and tahts ALL he will focus on , he wont have it taht im just genuinely really uncomfortable with things how they are . i did speak to someone who was in a similar situation and was told i was able to say that hes only allowed to have our son at his and nowhere else , you think thats not true ?

Well, how much control would you want to hand over to your ex, over what you do with your own DC? It's a two-way street, and as long as the DC aren't being abused or neglected, that's it.

At least, beaniemama, you're happy with the woman he's with (so far) and I don't really think a 5 year old will be aware of his father's sexual behaviour. I totally understand your fears, but I don't think they're enough for you to say your DS isn't allowed to stay over in this somewhat unconventional household.

Sorry. :(

it is a two way street , and i understand that completely , we've never had any set access set out overthe last 4 years so im just going tomake an appointment with a solicitor , get set access laid out , and tell him he can take kiddo there so long as a new sleeping situation gets set out , i really dont think its on for him to be in a bed with girl that much older .
when kiddo is older he can make his own decisions regarding what he would like to do but i guess i have to grin & bear it . tha nk you for your help .

We knew a guy who was separated. He was not allowed to have his son over night until he had adequate sleeeping arrangements in place. He lived in a one bed flat and had to install a kind of shelf bed which could be folded down when his son stayed.

Now, I don't know whether this was requirement was set by courts, SS or his ex-wife, mind.

ultimately , i just want my boy to be happy . ill never stop him seeing his daddy , i just want him to try and sort out something thats a bit more ... i dont know . it just does NOT sit right with me , a 10 yr old gal & 5 yr old boy sharing a bed , as well as another girl . maybe its just my opinion , but there we go >

Sorry for the belated response - I've been away from my PC all day. But I agree with others.

The basic principle the courts work to is that your ex has no control over what you do with your son whilst he is in your care and you have no control over what your ex does with your son whilst he is in his care. If one of you was placing your son's welfare in danger it would be different. The arrangements may be unconventional and I fully understand your concerns but that is different from saying you can do anything about it legally.

The only exception is the matters covered by parental responsibility (medical care, education, religious upbringing, etc.) where, if your ex has PR, he is entitled to a say. However, in that area you have the advantage in that, if you and your ex cannot agree, the courts will generally go with your wishes as you are the parent with care.

For what it is worth, I agree with mjinhiding that the 10 year old girl will probably want the sleeping arrangements to change soon.

It is a shame he won't talk to you about this. In your situation I would try writing a letter. He may ignore it but at least he can't interrupt you! If there is no court order in place regarding contact there is nothing to stop you setting conditions but you need to think about how he will respond. If he is likely to accept your conditions all well and good. However, if he responds by turning to the courts he will almost certainly get contact without any conditions.