Just had first solicitors letter from exP

[bettiboo]

I'm looking for advice. exP now has solicitor re contact. He wants DS once at the weekend 10-4pm and one overnight stay a month. Very sad given he's gone from 6 years of having him every weekend (rotating Fri's and Sat's so that he gets some time for socialising). He's met someone and they've moved in together, clearly his priorities have changed, it's very very sad for DS, but I'm sure we'll get used to it. He has also instructed that I drop DS off and pick him up on every occasion - W T F!!! He only lives a 10 minute drive away but why the F* would I drop him off and pick him up! That enrages me. Anyway, I don't have the money for a solicitor and don't qualify for legal aid - do I have any other options?

a solicitors letter is not legally binding.....

does he qualify for legal aid? as he may well take it further,to court. it will be expensive otherwise

families need fathers can offer good advice for you,and can help with getting a mckenzies friend if necessary

what access would you prefer for ds?

He doesn't qualify for legal aid. I'm a bit skint because he's stopped paying maintenance. I've started the CSA ball rolling. I'm ok with his access request because I think my DS will benefit from not spending so much time with his father. I'm just a bit sad that he actually doesn't want to spend the same time with his son that he used to. It may or may not be as a result of the new relationship. I don't suppose it matters and as I suggested before, my DS and I will deal with it just fine. I'll google the mckenzies friend thing. Thank you.

Write back to his solicitor (you don't need to use one) and say, the times proposed are fine however I will not be doing the transportation.

Put the ball back in his court - it's certainly an unusual request and I think he's just trying it on!

That's good news. Ok, I'll draft a letter. He has also asked that I sign parental responsibility forms. I'm really not happy to do this because I don't want him causing me more bother, but also don't want to be unreasonable. I just don't want him having any more ammunition.

If he went to court he would be awarded parental responsibility surely?

I don't know. I guess so, but he would have to take it to court first. I don't know whether to leave it and hope it just goes away or wait until he takes me to court. I just don't know. I don't see why he wants parental responsibility when he clearly doesn't want very much to do with his DS.

Just ignore it then and deal with sorting out contact first? Like you say it leaves him with the hassle/expense of taking it to court.

Agree with CarGirl as to your approach. This is not something you have to do unless he gets a court order. Treat it as the start of a negotiation. Figure out your ideal result and your minimum acceptable compromise then write a letter to his solicitors.

Regarding PR, if you refuse to sign the forms he could go to court for a Parental Responsibility Order. Given the facts you have set out above I think it is likely he would win. Refusing to sign the forms may therefore have no real effect on the outcome.

Signs the forms, you will need to sign them anyway if it goes to court, the only thing you would have gained will be a lot of heartache and spending a LOT of money. It is relatively easy for him to get parental responsibility if he is the father and has been having contact as such for a long time.

Agree with car girl, write the letter to his solicitor, agree to the proposed contact (you can't do anything to increase the time if he doesn't want to), but I would add another thing:

My ex was very unreliable regarding contact times which had a really bad effect on DS and I (DS feeling disapointed, I having to ask for permit after permit at work to cope with his informality), what sorted the problem, at least on our side, was to demand a handover in a public place where we meet at a mutually agreed point between x:30 and x:45 am, if he is not in time, we just leave and get on with our day. this arrangement proved very effective to remove a lot of uncertainty and headaches about contact.

How old is your DS? because once at the weekend 10-4pm and one overnight stay a month doesn't sound like very much for a child who is at least six and has obviously seen him every weekend for as many years.
Would you be happy with every other weekend (Friday to Sunday) and some kind of school holiday arrangement (half and half possibly?)

Thanks Mumi, DS is 8 and spent a lot of time with his dad throughout our split. He hasn't seen his dad for weeks and doesn't seem remotely bothered. I'm not going to suggest more time if this is what his dad wants. exP used to help out with all the school holidays but stopped this year. I can't quite work out why it's all changed but I have a feeling it's either because he wants to spend time with his new partner or the new partner isn't happy about having an 8 year old boy hanging about. My DS never ever mentions the new partner despite the fact they live together. DS also been having behavioural problems and I think it's to do with the relationship with is dad. So, in a way, I'm a bit relieved that DS doesn't have to spend as much time with dad and just maybe I might see an improvement in his self esteem. I'll just have to manage holidays and find a babysitter - although I don't go out much more than once a month.

Personally, I would advise you to see a solicitor for advice. You don't need to engage their services (make it clear that you want advice only due to cost). There will be a fee but I think it would be worth it.

It's very confusing. I guess it's probably worth investing in a solicitor for initial advice. Maybe they'll take credit cards?

I don't think a solicitor can you give much advice at the moment with respect to contact.

The courts would want you to try mediation first before going to court.

Your ex has said what he wants, you're within your rights to agree with it or not. It would be unusual in the circumstances you describe for court to insist you do the travelling - it's not as if you've moved away any considerable distance or something like that.

It will cost you nothing to reply to his solicitor saying what you think, "It's not in ds best interests to see so little of you, perhaps every other weekend with one overnight stay would be better for him" if this is what you and ds think.

These solicitor letters are a starting point for negotiation there is no law they can throw at you other than going to court to establish contact if you wan't agree it between yourselves.

Honestly I'd save yourself the money in case you need it in the future if he becomes and arse about it all.

No please don't offer to do any of the transportation - you have sole responsibility for your ds24/7 - he wants half a day per week, it's a joke that he's even asking you to do it.

Do not offer!

Don't offer to do the transportation, but considering that when my ex was doing all the pick ups and drop offs he felt free to show up 3 hrs later or earlier than he had said... I would insist in public handover, that way you are not left waiting or have to cancel plan at his leisure,

But agree with Cargirl, it is totally a waste of money to get a solicitor at this point, if that is the only thing you have asked.

If you are ok with it I could send you a copy of the ones I have used.

Thanks mrspickles, I can see why you would want me to be reasonable but I take my son to and from school every single day, I take him to and from classes 4/5 times a week. I take him to his friends houses, I take him to the supermarket, high street, city centre, shopping centres when he wants something. I manage every aspect of his life. I buy his clothes, I buy absolutely everything he needs, I keep a cupboard full of medicines and plasters in case he feels poorly. I pay over the odds for a mortgage I can't afford to ensure he has a nice home, near a nice school and that he has some inheritance. I'm the one with a pension and life insurance to ensure he cared for. I can assure you his father has none of these things. In the scheme of things, I don't think picking him up (10 min drive) and dropping his off is asking too much of him. I won't be accepting his direction of dropping him off and picking him up!

chandra: that would be fantastic, I would really appreciate it. thank you.

mrspickles, didn't mean to be disrespectful - I'm a tad p**ed off incase you hadn't noticed.

I can only assume it's his new partner who has asked him questions and made your ex think about PR and stuff like that.

I hope you're getting maintenance.

He's stopped maintenance but I've got the CSA on the case, who in my opinion are rude, difficult and somewhat biased, let's wait and see if they actually pay me any money. I guess I shouldn't complain, without them I'd have to take what I'm given. The PR stuff is nothing new. I think he thinks it will give him extra power and control rather than it being of any benefit to his DS. Up until now I would have involved him in everything and wouldn't have dreamt of not consulting him on issues relating to DS, but now I don't think he's actually thinking about what's best for DS just what's best for him, so I won't bother him.