Should I communicate directly or through solicitor?

[mpuddleduck]

I split with (h) 18 months ago, taken a long time to come to terms with everything that went on.
I have a solicitor, but am worried about the cost of using her. (h) wants to split the money from our house sale and savings 50/50, but I have sole charge of our 4 children and think this is an unfair split.
(h)is on talking (polite talk about the children and introducing new gf)terms and I wonder if I should just email/text and suggest we split finances more in my favour or whether I should stick to paying the solicitor to do the talking?
(h) has always accused me of marrying him for his money and I know he won't like the idea of splitting differently to 50/50.

Please do NOT email/text H about agreeing a financial settlement. I know it sounds a good idea but it rarely works out to be the case. I have lost count of the number of people that come to see me saying they are on 'polite terms', but then email and texts get sent and the wheels fall off. This is by far the best way to ensure you have a multi thousand pound legal bill!

There are lots of ways that you can ensure that everything stays amicable and cost effective. Your solicitor should have already had this discussion with you and if not, have it now. Have you thought of mediation? Alternatively, a face to face meeting with him may be more cost effective (even if both of you have lawyers there) as it could save lots of wrangling later on. It's called collaborative law and worth a look.

I have no idea of your personal circumstances and as I'm on maternity leave at the moment am happily taking a break but I strongly suspect that it is unlikely your assets will be divided 50/50. It is irrelevant that he thinks you married him for his money (apart from the fact you sound as though you didn't and it's going to be an issue for him) the main concern for the lawyers and the Court who will be asked to approve your financial settlement will be housing a care of your 4 children.

I vaguely think you could use mediation services in a divorce, I'd look into that, as could be much cheaper than talking via lawyers.

I would suggest using a mediation service. It will cost a couple of hundred pounds but that would only cover the cost of a couple of letters written by a solicitor.

The most important issue will be ensuring that the kids have a suitable place to live and are looked after. A trained mediator will be able to explain this and guide you to a fair and appropriate agreement.

Thank you for your suggestions, can anyone give me an idea of how many mediation sessions would be needed please, I am in Scotland and (h) is in england and meeting up wouldn't be easy time wise but sounds like it might be worth trying to do.

the number of sessiosn will depend on both of you and the arguments put forward.

if you cannot agree at first session you will need more...

how long is a piece of string

You also need to think very carefully about where the divorce will take place. If it is started in Scotland he has more chance of it being a 50/50 split whereas if the divorce takes place in England you are likely to get more than 50% as different laws apply. Take legal advice first before going much further on your options.

The advantage of mediation is that it costs about £50 per session while a solicitor will charge roughly, about £3 per minute.

However, mediation is not recommended if there is a background of abuse or domestic violence. In such cases you need a solicitor.

Having said that, try to get information about legal matters in books/internet (The Which Guide to Divorce is an excellent book), and just visit the solicitor for things whose answer you couldn't find in the books. That can save you a lot of money.

Oh, help, I think I may just go and bury my head in the sand again. .

Does anyone know a good (resolution) solicitor on the borders of England, maybe Carlisle?

I instigated seperation on the grounds of being just a few dv incidents, and one huge one where me and my children were forced to flee the house and and being fed up of being scared to say or do the wrong thing to him and his subsequent behaivour, I haven't discussed this with my solicitor, she hasn't asked why we split up.

I find this all so hard, if it wasn't for my children I would just run away and start again.

Please mention it to your solicitor as soon as possible. Don't leave it.

I agree with babybarrister. Go to www.resolution.org.uk and search for a solicitor in Carlisle. Many will talk to you for a bit on the phone before you make an appointment to answer initial questions. I would as would the rest of my team!

Don't bury your head it only makes it worse. I know we lawyers can be pricey but you get what you pay for in my opinion. Oh, and if your lawyer can't talk to you sensibly about how to constrain costs see someone else! E.g. you can do the divorce paperwork yourself and just use the lawyer for advice on finances.

I have looked at the resolution website and there are 12 solicitors, do I just close my eyes and pick one?
I am sorry to ask so many questions,but I know I really need to get this sorted, dh has had a new woman for nearly a year now and is talking buying property etc. I don't have anyone in real life to discuss these things with so am really grateful for your replies.

Does it matter that Iam the one living in Scotland? and will it really make that much difference doing it (still unsure of the whole process) in England?
We don't have a huge amount of money to split and Iam really worried that I am using most of it trying to make sure my children have enough, its going to cost me quite a lot to visit a solicitor in England,but I will do if thats the best way to go.

There are advantages and disadvantages of divorcing in both jurisdictions. On the one hand it is arguable that England (& Wales) divorce settlements are more favourable to women and children than any European country and Scotland is the least favourable, but it depends very much on the individual circumstances.

Apart from the actual settlement it is important to consider the impact of enforcing orders on any property in the other jurisdiction and legal costs. Sometimes there are protracted proceedings because of legal differences about jurisdiction costing a fortune. So any advantage gained in the actual settlement can be more than wiped out by costs.
If there aren't many resources there is often in practice little difference between the two jurisdictions.

The other considerations are that in Scotland typically 90%+ of divorces are granted on the basis of one year's separation with consent or two year's without. There is only one divorce decree and usually the finances have to be settled before the divorce is granted. This seems less adversarial and as well as keeping legal costs down it allows families to move on with the least damage to long term relations.

In my experience many solicitors in England & Wales do not fully appreciate the differences and my suggestion would be to seek advice from a solicitor who operates on both sides of the border, if at all possible. Also I would suggest that consulting the Resolution or Family Law Association of Scotland databases are good places to start, but you need to satisfy yourself at the first meeting that a particular solicitor is in fact a member and that they are indeed committed to the ideals of the organisations.