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Splitting - who moves out?

13 replies

callitaday · 12/10/2010 19:04

It is looking like dh and I will be splitting very soon (together 9 years, married for 4 years with one dd aged 12).

It has been instigated by me; no one else is involved, we have grown apart I feel and for various reasons (none of them involving him causing me any harm) has led me, after months of soul searching, that we should split. Dh knows how I feel, and has more or less accepted that we might split, although, he is desperate for us to stay together.

Because he hasn't actually 'done' anything, I wouldn't dream of asking him to leave. We have a mortgage on house together, joint bank accounts, etc, and we have enough equity in the house that would enable us to both put down good deposits on a new house each. We both have reasonable jobs, both pay into pensions, etc, and earn similiar amounts. So, further down the line, we should financially both be okay.

BUT - what happens in the short term? I have offered to rent, but am concerned about how this might look, as I'd be leaving the marital home. He promises that things would be amicable, but, when push comes to shove, I know the nicest person in the world can become bitter. I obviously intend that our daughter would spend some or most of the time with me, and time with dh, but again, how would this look in the short term if I left? I don't want to leave, but can't imagine us both living under the same roof, if it takes months to sell the house. Anyone else been in the same position?

OP posts:
pithyslicker · 12/10/2010 19:14

I have, the advice I was given was don't move out until the finances are sorted. It was tough but time passes.

didldidi · 12/10/2010 19:14

Not sure how it would look to who?

babybarrister · 12/10/2010 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nocake · 13/10/2010 13:14

If it's amicable I would steer well clear of solicitors, unless you want to see your savings disappear into their pockets.

Try to come to an agreement with your husband then get a solicitor to write it into a consent order. If you're having trouble reaching an agreement you should try mediation before you go to a solicitor.

fridayschild · 13/10/2010 14:33

Don't move out. Your wifely rights to occupy are based on your presence in the home. Go and see a solicitor. If you are on good terms it will not cost a lot - it's only when you pay someone to argue about things on your behalf that the price mounts up. From what you say you should be able to hang on in the same place for a bit longer. Do you have a spare bedroom one of you can move into?

We are doing this and have just had a very trying few months selling our home. Both moving into rented, but completion on Friday!Good luck with it all.

nocake · 13/10/2010 14:50

"Wifely rights" have nothing to do with it. If you are joint owners of the house you both have the right to occupy it. Only a court order can change that.

babybarrister · 13/10/2010 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumblechum · 13/10/2010 18:10

This is something that I see all the time, and tbh, it's often only once one party has filed the petition that the other really takes it seriously and starts to discuss the nitty gritty.

BB is right, neither of you would be advised to move out, although frequently the husband will do so in order to keep things reasonably amicable. If you can bear to live under the same roof while the house is on the market, it will actually help, as there won't be any rent going out in addition to the mortgage. I frequently act in cases where the couple only actually separate on completion day. If at that time you haven't agreed the capital split then the money will sit in a solicitors account until you do.

mumoverseas · 13/10/2010 18:22

Agree with BB and MC (as ever) Wink and slightly baffled by term 'wifely rights'
OP, can you just clarify the age of your DD as I'm reading it as if she isn't your DH's?

callitaday · 14/10/2010 07:14

dd is my husbands, we were only together a few months when I fell pregnant.

It seems the general consensus is that I shouln't move out. I'm not sure that dh would - I just can't imagine us living under the same roof with all this going on :(

OP posts:
EvilEyeButterPie · 14/10/2010 07:22

I'm lost- if you have been together for 9 years, is 12 a typo?

callitaday · 14/10/2010 07:26

sorry - meant we have been together 13 years altogether - but only married for 4. Sorry!

OP posts:
EvilEyeButterPie · 14/10/2010 07:26

:) That's ok, don't worry, I was just sat looking at the numbers in a morning fog :)

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