Could he get custody - how risky is this situation?

[AisieSusie]

Am having horrible trouble with dh and I have to start thinking abut the possibility that we may split up. We have a 7 month old ds and a friend has just told me she thinks I am laying myself open to dh getting custody and me having to pay HIM maintenance... if he decides to be horrible - so am panicking a bit.

have posted in legal & lone parents as not sure where is the best place..

here's the situation [bit long as not sure whats relevant to this]:

dh is not british, and has a visa for the uk based on our marriage [discretionary leave to remain, not a spousal visa]. He is from a war torn country, and this is part of the problem actually, as he is totally f*cked up from this.

Anyway, we've been married 6 years, he didn;t have a right to work for the first 3 years, and then he got a visa so could work, but only ever did cash in hand work [so no records]. I have paid for everything, solicitors bills, rent, living, everything. I have a skilled professional job and have worked my way up over the last 6 years so am a high level. So huge difference in earning potential. I work like hell and am consantly knackered trying to hold everything together. I have been waiting for dh to get his head together and start working, but he hasn;t. I have paid for councelling etc to try and sort things out, but he is barely functioning. And he blames me for everything and is really nasty alot of the time.

So got pregnant accidentally [which was a blessing for me as I desperately wanted children, but he kept putting it off to wait until he'd got a job / made something of himself etc]. He freaked out, left me, said & did some pretty horrible things. The moved back in but things have been horrible ever since, and he moved out again last month.

So heres the problem, I am in huge debt from supporting dh all these years, but debt in my name only. I have to go back to work to pay them off, and to pay for rent etc even though i really want to stay with my baby. I am not very well either [spd], and am really struggling with going back to work. I am very depressed and after having read alot of mumsnet posts, I think I would say dh is being very abusive, although because he's screwed up, not because he's evil [but same effect though].

I cannot afford any childcare, but have too high wages to get any state help if any kind [all spent on debts].

This means dh is going to look after ds in the day. It will be a year before i can pay back debts and afford a nursery.

Here's the worry - my friend reckons that he could get full custody in this situation, and even get money from me to support him... is this true???

He now pays his own rent for a room [probably no paper trail though], we have a joint account but i only pay in £200 a month [not enough to be seen to be paying for him]. However, all bills & rent are in both our names, but I pay from my account. If I take him off the bills, I may risk his right to stay in the country, and don;t want to do this unless things really have broken down irrevocably, and even then if it was amicable, I'd want to thoroughly research whether he'd be able to stay on other grounds before I did something so drastic [if not for dh, for ds, as he'd not be able to meet his dad if dh had to go back to this particular country, too dangerous to visit and virtually impossible for dh to leave again if he went back]. So had been trying to be responsible and 'adult' about the whole thing, but am scared this leaves me open to losing my baby to him - my baby is he only thing worth living for at the moment, and i am doing everything for him, so I just cannot cannot cannot run the risk of losing him.

soooo - based on all this, should I be worried?

HONEY, this relationship is dead and buried, I have read elsewhere what he has done to you and what he is doing to you.

WHY are you supporting him? Are you going to sign his nationality forms even though he has done what he has done? He is not your project, he is not a charity case. He ought to think about how he treats people he owes his very existence here to.

If he comes from a country where there is serious unrest, the Govt here won't deport him back.

The moment a man does what he did to the mother of his child, all bets are OFF, he has to understand what he is doing to you is unacceptable, and that from now on he is on his own, and responsible for his own actions. YOU have been convinced that you are on your own too and are naturally panicking.

Don't panic.

Call Woman's Aid and get this nasty piece of work out of your house. If DS matters at all to your 'H' then he ought to have thought about that before he did what he did.

Talk about biting the hand that feeds him, believe me, a man like that will not be any kind of decent father to your son... Would you like DS to turn out like him?

Sad to say, this chancer won't be deported, because of where he comes from, but my god he deserves to be.

You will not lose custody of your son to a man like him, not when you are who you are.

Be strong, be confident.

Call Women's Aid, call the CAB, I guarantee they will put your mind at rest.

Stop looking after this abuser. Today.

thanks, am replying longer on the other threads, but just wanted to say thanks for your reply.

No, i wouldn;t support his visa claim based on marriage should it come to divorce, but depending on how he was, I would probably support a claim as he father of ds. It hasn;t come to that yet so am ignoring this until i have to deal with it - bit much to think about right now.

you are right, all bets are off, and i have to protect myself, and of course my son who is worth more than anyone or anything.

thanks for your support,

He can go on applying for a visa, you don't have to support him, not when he's done what he's done.

He won't get sent back, sure it'll make it slightly harder for him, but he deserves it to be.

Your son will be a wonderful little boy, and will grow into a wonderful man, because of you, not because of his father.

His father is incapable of doing anything near a good job of being a parent, you are better off, as is your son if this man WAS to be sent home.

Get rid, let the chips fall as they may and you will find a decent man who will love you as you should be loved and will teach your DS how to be a proper, decent man.

As far as the divorce settlement goes the debt belongs to both of you, just like any assets you have. It doesn't matter that the debt is in your name only. The split of assets will be worked out after deducting any debts.

As you are earning more than he is it is possible you will end up having to pay maintenance to him. However the courts prefer clean break settlements if at all possible so the most likely outcome is that he will be entitled to a bit more of the assets. On the other hand you will be entitled to more of the assets if your son lives with you.

The courts like to see parents sharing the parenting. As I understand it your son stays with you every night. As long as that remains the case I think it is unlikely your DH would get sole residence purely on the basis that he helps with childcare during the day.

ah, in that case its much better for me. there are many more debts than assets... have no savings, no house, no car, & huge debts.

And yes ds would be with me every night & weekend, so hour for more, more with me. He doesn't really sleep either & is still bf, & i will be making his food [to leave lunch with ds], washing his clothes etc, so i think the argument that dh does more would not be true if they are willing to enquire into the matter that much...

prh47bridge, It may say that in theory, but in practice there may be no assets, and the court does not investigate the financial position. (that is in relation to your first paragraph above)

As Lucinda hints, I was expecting there still to be some assets after all the debts are taken off. If there aren't any assets the debts won't necessarily get split between you. And with no assets available to fund a clean break it is possible that you will end up having to pay him spousal maintenance.

I would recommend having a chat with a solicitor who specialises in family law. You may be able to find one who will give you an initial half hour consultation for free.

has he actually already spent time looking after DS? are you confident leaving DS in his care?

i would not be in the circumstances..you are jumping ahea without dealing with the current situation which is that this man is volatile and dangerous and should not be left in charge of a vulnerable being for a whole day...

if you were interviewing a nanny for the job adn tehy told you calmly in an interview "well i treat people like this and this" describing what he has done to you - would you really employ them?

you need to step back and look at him not as your husband or as the child's father - but as an adult who may or may not be competent to look after your child...

doesnt matter he is his dad....he should see hiim supervise donly...
you have not said he already does any kind of childcare at present?