experts in child access with emotional abusers/personality disordered XP

[freedomfrom]

Does anyone know the best place for me to get advice regards child contact with someone who is abusive and I think has a personality disorder. The research I've done states that you should get a solicitor who has experience of someone with these issues so they understand what they are dealing with.
I am entitled to legal aid and got phone advice recently but the person I spoke to didnt really understand emotional abuse and just gave me the law on my right to refuse overnight contact if I am concerned for welfare.
(There are also drug problems present with XP)
The emotional abuse is at me, not the DS but then the DS is very young and hasnt had that much contact with XP anyway. I also want to know how to deal with the verbal intimidation, text harrassment etc. The problem I have is the verbal stuff is surely unproovable?
The text have stopped too for now, which is worrying as if he has cottoned onto the fact that I am keeping them 'for evidence' etc he may stop them all together and focus on less provable ways of intimidation.
What should / can I do?

Thanks

You need a solicitor who is a member of Resolution. You also need a sympathetic health visitor and/or GP.

I have been in your situation and it sucks.
You can write down verbatim all the verbal stuff, date it. A consistent written record of things said is useful for a solicitor to have. Keep the texts, print them off somehow if you can.

Also speak to Womens Aid who are v good in this situation this link and this one might be helpful.

Good luck.

Sorry second link is broken, try this

I'm a family lawyer and I think we all, day in and day out, have to deal with people who are emotionally in a very bad way. Some are mothers, some fathers, some may label themselves as victims of emotional abuse, but it's such a pejorative term; their ex partner may be an otherwise perfectly reasonable person who simply can not co-parent in an effective and positive way.

As lawyers, we have to try to find a solution in the interests of the child.

You are unlikely to find anyone specifically who has experience of dealing with "emotional abusers", as we have all dealt with hundreds of clients and opponents who could fall into that category, but equally see themselves as the victim.

I think it would be helpful if you could spell out exactly what you want to happen so far as contact is concerned. Do you want there to be no contact at all, or supervised or unsupervised contact? Strictly on your terms, or agreed through mediation or ordered by the Court?

What would an ideal week's contact look like to you?

Agree about Resolution. I and most specialist family lawyers are members, and the Resolution ethos is to try to help parents come to workable arrangements to ensure that the right of the child to have a relationship with both parents is upheld in a safe and positive way.

BTW, don't make the mistake of treating your solicitor as a counsellor. You will be paying around £200 plus per hour for their time. Counsellors will charge significantly less and be a whole lot better at it than a solicitor.

my ex has a personality disorder and was abusive

it was all proven by his behaviour,once it got into the court arena.....he acted up,played right into my hands!

his personality disorder was diagosed because i insisted he have a forensic psychiatic evaluation.....and the psychiatrist got everything spot on!! my ex admitted alot of stuff,and we all saw the truth

he got no access and is not allowed to apply again without leave of the courts

Psych reports are very helpful, but sadly the court can't force anyone to have one.

well no,he could refuse,but had he,then we could have progressed no further. that was our case anyway. my ex had got worse since we split and had been in alot of trouble,which of course,is documented.

op,you could request this as a condition to be met for supervised access to the dc perhaps?

Thanks for all your advice so far.

I've started writing everything down now which will help I guess.

In terms of what I want, I am happy for contact to take place, (at the moment it takes place at my house once or twice a week for an hour). But in the future I am happy for XP to take DS1 out if it is built up gradually. I dont want contact to take place at his home, becuase of drug issue,(which is daily).
DS1 is 15 months old.
I'm unsure about supervised or unsupervised. On one hand I'm sure XP wouldnt physically hurt DS but I'm not sure if he would stick to arrangements about him not going to his house, or him not being under the influence of weed. How would I ever know? Also, in the future, I would be worried about what XP is saying about me to DS. I've seen him say things to his other DS, ~(by another woman) who is 8yo. He's told him his mother is a blatent liar, that I am crazy and not to listen to a word I've said. Things like that.

The other problem I'm having is he is fighting me on all sides so to speak. I dont feel out of a genuine concern for his son, but as a way to 'get back' at me, control and manipulate. I mentioned that I didnt want ds1 to spend time in his flat, so he got really angry, (abusive), telling me I had been emotionally abusive to him, have deep psychological issues etc. Then threatened to take DS1 to his new girlfriends house overnight as they dont do drugs there. (we have been split up 2-3 weeks).
I am concerned about him making stuff up about me, in relation to the courts etc. He already has started. I'm not sure if this went any further what the courts would say as he is so manipulative.

I am pregnant so dont want this stress going on. I feel scared by him that he may just turn up too as he wont listen to me when I have asked that he doesnt come after 6pm as it interferes with DS1 bedtime. But he bullys me and trys to manipulate him coming at that time anyway.

He is often late for visits and has cancelled 5-6 times in the last week and a half becuase he was 'busy'.

i would advise a contact centre as co parenting seems beyond him here!

dragonfly68 thanks. Great idea re Psych report. Are they accurate? I mean, I'm not sure how much of my XP behaviour is drug related, general emotional abuse or PD?
I think I would want drug testing, but from what I've read on here, I may have to pay?

I dont want DS to loose contact with his Dad. Yet supervised contact seems so serious, like only for those in domestic violence cases or something? But if I dont go that route how can I be sure of what is happening without me knowing?

XP is actually going through court case with his parter b4 me, regarding 8yo. So he tells me he 'knows' the system and how it works etc. I dont want to mention what he has said about her family here, but it is really serious unproveable allegations that to be honest I dont think are true. They also happened years ago. Its to prevent her taking their DS abroad certain places.

There is a cliche that with family cases everyone lies. It might be an exaggeration but the emotions are such that it can be difficult for separated parents to identify facts and evidence. The courts are well used to that and are not interested in allegations unless they can be backed up with facts and evidence.

Evidence from warring couples, friends and family might be sufficient to warrant further investigation but it is facts and evidence from independent professionals that carries the real weight in a court's decision ie CAFCASS, school, police, social work or medical reports.

yes. in our case,psych report was very accurate.
cafcass were good too. but contact centres arent just for families where there has been domestic abuse!dont know where you've picked that up from.

with all that you say,i think you really do need to push for supervision and would be negligent not to really.

there are lots of diffefnt contact centres eg volunteer run contact national associaiton of contact centres to see what is avaiable lcoally.

agree with not using solicitor as a counsellor - but very good if you do get a counsellor who can support you and be a sound board eg before you take it to solciitor....

some family therapists ahve worked in family law - even better! i saw a counsellor who ahd pvsly worked as family lawyer. they will always say when you need to take something to solicitor. but they can help devise strategies for dealing with emotional/verbal abuse and low level harassment. steps you can take. eg not getting drawn into arguemtns, stick to neutral language in your dealings with him etc.

also your concerens about teh dc - you can discuss all this with a good family therapist and seek their advice and help.

Contact womens aid they will know the local solicitors who would know how to help you and have experience of emotional abusers.

I don't have any advice OP but just wanted to say I am in an almost identical position. I have been making a list of all the weird stuff that XP has been doing/saying WRT DS and contact arrangements etc.

My HV is very keen for me to go down the mediation route first before seeing a solicitor and I don't know whether or not this is a good idea.

I did look into a contact centre but when I tried to get into contact with the NACCC they never got back to me and I kind of gave up on it.