DD 3days with dad/3 days with mum is legal? can ir work?

[Patfrench]

Hi, I separated from DD'father a few months ago, as we were living in the flat I have been renting for 13 years (he has been there 2 years) he eventually accepted to be the one leaving and DD stayed with me. The relationship we maintain can be described at best as tense and acrimonous as he cannot forgive the fact that I initiated the separation. He comes and visit DD very often and his objective as soon as he has bought a place is alternate contact 3 days with him 3 days with me. She is 2 1/2. Can he legally request that? Can I refuse? Any opinions as to whether that would be good/bad for her? I think she needs more stability than that personnally (alternate week-ends with him + 1 night a week for ex, not sure). Thanks!

Why so little with her dad? Is he abusive or not involved muc with her?

He is a good dad to her. He sees her regularly during the week after nursery for ex and week-end afternoons but then has to come to mine (he does not have the space for her at his current place) and the situation is always very tense when the 3 of us are present. We also have different POV re upbringing (bedtime, discipline etc). I try to stay away sometimes but it is not always feasible. He has so far refused mediation or a stable contact arragement and prefers to come at short notice when suits him. I am just worried that a 3 nights alternate stay would not provide enough stability and routine. Is alternate w/e + 1 night a week + occasional after nursery/afternoons on the other w/e too little? candid question.

He can request anything he wants. If you refuse the contact he wants he can go to court to try and get it. Whether or not the courts will give it to him is another matter. The courts look at the details of each case so it is difficult to predict outcomes but they may well take the view that the contact you are offering is too little. Note that the courts view this as being about the right of your child to have contact with her father rather than the other way around.

Having said that, if I were offering him advice I would tell him that he needs to sort out a stable contact arrangement and, if necessary, go to mediation to sort that out. It would look strange to want to go from refusing a stable arrangement of any kind to a strict 3 days on, 3 days off.

And is 3 days which each parent something common in this country? Do you think it is good for a child to change "home" every 3 days? I have never heard of such arrangements. What I describe is rather common in France (every other w/e and possibly 1 day/week overnights + some day contact).

yes i know someone who did one week then swap for next week (alterante whole weeeks) anotehr with smaller child four days/threee days. in both cases they lived close by each other and in one the nanny went between the two houses.

you can work out a four weekly regime where you both get a long weekend with the child.

in the short term you ened a solutionf or not being all 3 in same place for contact as it causing tension.

maybe he can see her at someone elses house ? or in play centre/library etc?

Yes during the day but he wants to do the bath / bedtime and at the moment that it still at mine, he has asked me to be out but not very nice to be out of my own flat unless I manage to organise meeting with a friend and even so, I don't particularly like having him at home without me...(he has been snooping arond way too much, even putting spyware on my pc when we were still living under the same roof though the relationship had ended...) tricky one.

It is legal- and if you make contact awkward and you fight him, a joint residence order might well be made so that his contact is maintained and re-enforced. This isn't necessarily 50/50 but her time with your ex would be as legally binding as her time with you.

You sound very negative about this, and if you wish to challenge it, then I think you should first drop the "it's not done in France" and "I don't like it" and focus on some sort of joint residence or contact agreement that works for both of you.

I think you need to step back and look at this from the point of view of your daughter in the future, and not just your/his raw feelings now. I have read both of your posts and I am not sure you are there yet.