Splitting up - who gets the children?

[misscph1973]

My husband and I are splitting up - but he wants the children. Obviously that can't work. I suggested that we do a 50/50 only I stay in the house with the kids, but he wants me to move out.

He is registered blind (he is not totally blind, he can see, just not much, he can go to the shop, get on the train etc). I assume that this alone means that I am more fit for looking after the children than he is?

The main reason I want to split up is his drinking habits - he drinks a lot and very fast so he is more or less unconscious a few hours after the first drink. I have had to get the children to step over him in the morning where he was passed out at the foot of the stairs, he has returned home late and very drunk from a "business meeting" when he knew I was very ill and looking after two ill children. He has ruined one Christmas when he got drunk and shouted his own sister and mother out of the house. This is obviously quite disruptive for family life but he is not prepared to give it up.

I can't live with it anymore and I am now at a point where I see red if he has a drink and I scream and shout at him in front of the children. I am not proud of that, obviously. My husband seems to think that I am an unfit mother because of my now very loud verbal reactions to his drinking.

But I am really worried now as he seems very insistent that the children stay with him in the house and I move out and I want him to move out and I stay with the children.

I guess I should speak to a solicitor? Any cheaper alternative as this month most of the money was spent on husband's drinking...

You need to see a solicitor, even if you do it's highly unlikely your husband will be awarded custody.

Who does the main care of the children?

www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/ these people are helpful.

Thanks, belledechocolatefluffybunny.

I look after the children 90% of the time when they are not in pre school / with childminder / in Reception class / in holiday club as we both work full time. The children are 3 and 5 years.

Thanks for the link, I was actually just looking at that ;)

My mother divorced my father because of his alcohol problem. It was liberating for her. It wasn't nice to watch him fall up the stairs every evening, I couldn't wait to move away. It's a good thing that you are doing, even if it's difficult to see sometimes. I don't have many good memories of my childhood.

There are law centres where you can access legal advice for free (depending on your income), they are charities. You can find one in your yellow pages.

Thanks again ;)

I don't think my husband is an alcoholic, but he does have a drinking problem, if you see what I mean.

I think I will start with my local Citizens Advice Bureau as it turns out the nearest law centre is in another council, I am not sure I can use them.

Maybe the FSA at the school can help aswell, I'll give her a ring, she's nice.

FSA?
The CAB are really helpful.

Sorry, the Family Support Advisor ;) She works at our school and has an office at the Children's Centre - she has helped me with practical things previously like finding a childminder.

I think the CAB is the place to go, she sounds like she'll be good for real life support though

his disability is not a concern as such - after all he seems to get to work etc and to the pub/alcohol shop....

but his drinking and related behaviour is.

Thanks for your support.

As I posted in another thread, my husband woke up Monday morning and the first words he said was "I have a drinking problem". I never thought he would say it. An hour later he had booked an appointment with his GP and he spent all day apologising to me and although I kept telling him off (well, shouting and screaming), in the end I agreed to giving him another chance.

I don't think he is an alcoholic in the sense that he doesn't need a detox, but he does have a problem, he can't just have a drink or two, he keeps drinking and drinking until he passes out, then he wakes and starts again, and that goes on all night and often early morning. This happens every 6-12 months for a few weeks and then he stops until he has forgotten, which is 6-12 months later, and so the cycle continues.

Wish me luck - I do hope that he can break the cycle but I have my doubts.

cestlavielife, in a way you are right - it's just that the disability is easier to prove ;) if we ever end up in court.

I never did go to CAB or the FSA - but now I know where to start in 6-12 months if I have to.

i suggest you speak to al-anon (whether tou call it driniing problem or alcoholism doenst matter) - talk through the promises to reform....(cynic that i am)

and seek some counselling for you - to address your own reactions to him eg shouting and screaming... you cant change his behaviour - only he can - but you can change yours....

i think you should also go to CAB and FSA now as well to find out the information while you not in a crisis.... after all - you been here before with the stopping drinking....

and i still think the disability is a red herring when it comes to fitness to look after children - there are lots of disabled parents around. it is how they deal with it.

It's a good point - getting stuff sorted while my head is clear, I hadn't thought of it that way before, thanks for the pointer ;)

I'm actually reading a book on anger management at the moment (obviously for myself) and it's very helpful so I do hope it will have some effect.

I will have a look at the al-anon and depending on what the GP says on Friday to my husband, I could suggest it.

Thanks again, you have a very clear view that I appreciate - I find it difficult to see straight when I'm in the middle of it all ;)

Just try to reach an agreement without leaving it all up to a court. That's the road to hell. Try mediation, and if that doesn't produce a mutually satisfactory result, try employing a pair of 'Resolution' solicitors. If one party refuses to engage with the process, then they'll be pretty much shafted when it comes to court anyway.