Contact

[mumofthreesweeties]

Hi All,

I am having a major problem with exh re contact of our 13 year old. We split up 10 years ago and I have always had a laid back approach to contact. I strongly believe that a child must be in contact with their father and from the onset he used to have him for the weekend every fortnight. Fast forward another five years and the every fortnight transgressed to every half term. My DD would go there every half term. Most of the time I would just be given a few hours notice of intention to pick up DD. I never minded. This has also been true of Xmas holidays. I have always wanted to share Xmas but exh always made a big deal and all I thought of was what was best for our DD and she always went there.

Lately the relationship between myself and EXH has deteriorated, mainly because I reported him to CSA and because over Xmas last year he refused for my DD to spend Xmas with me because he had failed to pick her up at summer and half term, so that was my fault. I then informed him that I was losing out here because when my DD is with me, we will be going to school and it is only fair that we share holidays. Cue, aggressive texts from him. He text me stating that he would pick DD up next week, to which I replied giving him a specific date for pick up. He completely lost his rag and insisted on picking DD on the day he had texted and also that he would come to my house on the day he proposed and get the authorities involved. I found his whole manner highly intimidating. I have not refused contact at, merely stated that we should share the summer holiday with three weeks at mine first then three weeks at his. Was I unreasonable to suggest this. There is more to the story but will not go into it all.

I have suggested mediation and also setting up formalised contact which is beneficial to the child. I don't think it is beneficial to our DD to never spend holidays with me, and in fact last half term her father was no where to be found. When I eventually spoke with him he claimed that he could not pick DD up because his SS was having exams and DD would disrupt him.....But he could still have come to see her though right? On top of this he never ever calls her at all. What would be my rights here please, I also have a sneaky suspicion that he will want to seek residence (he hinted on it). Whose responsibility is it to maintain telephone contact, myself or EXH. What are the recognised contact arrangements in the courts etc please. What can I do if he plans a stake out outside my house?

I would appreciate your assistance and also thank you for reading

He can apply for residency all he wants; given his track record, though, he'd be wasting his time. Also, as there are no existing contact orders then the "authorities" won't get involved on the day; they'd just advise him to apply to court for a contact order.

It is absolutely not unreasonable of you to propose sharing school holidays. Given his conduct so far I'd say you were being more than fair. Keep a record of contact (and conversations regarding contact etc) as that will be useful if/when it does come to court. It's also absolutely not unreasonable to ask for compromise regarding dates of contact; he can't insist on contact on particular days just to suit him (unless he's got a court order that says he should have those dates).

There are no fixed guidelines for contact. The most common contact order is for every other weekend plus a night during the week but it does vary a lot. In general courts will tend to stick with the current contact arrangements unless there's a good reason to change. The status quo has been that exH is seeing his daughter infrequently and unpredictably. That's not a good track record for him.

I think the most important thing here is: What does your DD think about seeing her dad? Given her age then, if it does come to court, her opinion will hold a lot of weight.

I know this kind of thing can be worrying but you're in a very strong position here. As for telephone contact, I'm not sure there are any clear guidelines. I think that if you ensure he can call your DD whenever reasonable, and your DD knows that she can call him whenever she wishes, that's about as far as your responsibility goes.

Contact is the right of children, not parents. There is no one arrangement which suits all families. Some families find sharing the quality time at weekends and during the school holidays works for them. Others find more or less is better. At thirteen the views of your daughter are important.

You have rights to privacy and a family life without constant disruption though and if he turns up at times that aren't agreed it could amount to pestering or molestation. Also it is open to either parties to apply for a court order to regulate contact and the order and a warning notice should now be served on both parties.

However good contact for children relies on separated parents working together, or at least not working against each other, and court proceedings tend to make that impossible. As well as mediation alternative dispute resolution includes collaborative law or negotiation through solicitors.

My suggestion would be to ask a solicitor to write stating that you wish to formalize arrangements because inconsistent and irregular contact is not in your daughter's interest, outlining a proposed schedule and offering mediation as a way forward.

Thank you Snorbs and STIDW for taking the time to read and respond, it is much appreciated. I have evidence of conversations we have had as I have insisted that he text me anything he wants to say to me. He hasnt seen DD since Xmas which I think is unacceptable, there is no real reason why he cant sacrifice a weekend to pick DD up even to just go to the cinema and bring her back. May half term he was off and DD was off, why couldn't he come and pick her up for a few days. He used to come and pick her up from the same place he used to live every fortnight as expressed earlier. He then had the nerve to tell me that he had he right to spend quality time with his DD to which I responded that I had never stopped him from seeing or calling DD at all. He means that he has the right to spend quality time with DD when HE chooses and myself and DD must be waiting around for him in case he shows up or does not.

I wanted to wait until his solicitors contacted me so that I could establish what grounds he wanted to use. There is no previous contact order and I have proof of all the times he has picked DD up as I have always had the sneaky suspicion that he would stoop so low. I feel he should be apologising to his DD for not making her his priority. I can understand him not being able to pick her up every other weekend but what I cannot understand or forgive is that he never ever enquires as to her welfare at all. The relationship he has with DD is purely biological - he is her father - they are not close. I have asked her what she feels about it and she has said that she feels her dad is out of line and that she wished he would phone her more regularly to build up a relationship. She also stressed that she did not want to spend more than two weeks at his house.

I will contact a solicitor as you have kindly and wisely suggested and get the ball rolling once he has been in touch with his 'authorities'. If he does a stakeout then I will just have to get the police involved.

Thank you once again