How do you 'ignore the bad behaviour' with larger families?

[WilfShelf]

I only have three kids (with big-ish gaps between then (5yr gap then 3yr gap).

There's such a massive 'trickle down' of bad behaviour from eldest to youngest AND the eldest doesn't get why we want to try and ignore some of the bad behaviour in the younger ones. Middle one doesn't get it either, though it's more understandable.

Mostly they are lovely, but the dynamic can be very difficult. We realise they are in competition for our attention but I cannot seem to make it work at the moment. The eldest is volatile and throws things/stomps off/huffs [has given up hitting things and people now but does a lot of shouting]; the middle one hits, dissolves into tears, tells tales; the littlest is now picking up all the bad habits...

We're trying to teach them co-operation and problem solving and sharing and being a team - but the age gaps and different interests make that hard.

So. How to give them more positive attention, ignore what can be some pretty aggressive stuff (you can't ignore hitting, surely?) in these circs...?

I have 6, I dont ignore hitting/violence, they have to say sorry, and get told why hitting is not nice. if they continue to hit, then they are put into time out (bedroooms for the older ones, corner of the room for the little ones)

I ignore the telling tales and general 'i dont like you' whines. If they argue over/wont share something it gets taken away,

Mine are nearly 12yr, 10yr, 6yrs, 3yrs, 2yrs and the baby is 7mths.

Have you seen the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" by faber & mazlish? I read it ages ago but I seem to remember it having lots of good ideas.

So we all agree? Ignoring the bad behaviour is IMPOSSIBLE?

I have seen the Siblings book. I have HTTSKWL and I find it a bit, um, anodyne. Like the Alfie Kohn book it seems fairly designed for kids who are already mostly co-operative and not volatile in personality, and parents who have endless amounts of time and attention. I might buy it anyway but don't hold out much hope tbh.

The problem is though, our shouting and reward/punishments don't seem to have much impact sometimes - it all just escalates. We remove privileges for DS1 but it seems to have bugger all effect on his mood...

Totally agreed on the bad behaviour, but you can of course still encourage the good. I am one of 5 and have 5 mini volcanoes of my own (16 months - 10 yrs, oldest with major anger / aspergers? issues), and copy a lot from my mum who had this sussed. Some things which work...

• always praise/judge related to age: e.g. not bad sitting still for a 5 year old,
• only happy polite children are allowed downstairs; otherwise they need to stay upstairs or go out for a short walk.
• encourage competitive good behaviour: if two are fighting in the car I just comment on how wonderful the one who isn't involved - sometimes works!
• anger / strong emotion totally ok, violence isn't.
• have activities planned where possible
• treats for good behaviour e.g. choosing what's for tea.
• performance related pocket money (at your discretion: let them know who's in charge)
• talking back (when being disciplined) is ignored.

With a large family and total insanity going on the whole time I have found reward charts etc totally useless as they just add to the pressure.

Sorry if much of this is obvious, but it's helped me to get it down as this is stuff I really struggle with. Other tips much appreciated.

agree
Positively affirm - explain to young ones why the older ones behaviour is bad even though not obviously aggressive like little peoples....

talk them through behaviour

most importantly 'follow through' with punishments - i am guilty of being to slack on the seeing though of punishment ( no pudding rarely happens!)

LOL, do you even notice it?

I do! I am extra aware of the possibilty of being judged for having a large family

Plus I want my children to be lovely - well liked adults - that takes discipline and a lot of learning how to share in life and be good to those around you

oh yes, my kids really get the expectation from others that as a big family they're more likely to be badly behaved, and I use this as a reason why they should be extra good. They are usually really good when out and about... as they know they won't get the chance again for a while if they muck up. (although mostly we divide and conquer).

I took the big 3 on a short break last week and we trialled an evening meal out, under various death threats etc. There was a mum & 12ish boy on the next table, and they commented that he looked very thoughtless playing on his PSP most of the time.

So something goes in ..... !

(mind you, to show how tough it can be sometimes there was the time at the dentist when my daughter bit the dentist, my son pooed his pants downstairs and was howling for me, and the aspie one tried to engage the dental nurse in a long discussion about pokemon at the same time...., oh the shame, and I only had 3 with me!)

actually, re-reading this, the thing about death threats was meant as a joke but sits poorly in this thread. Instead we said that they could help choose the restaurants if they're very good they might get to do it again.

Long stpory, sorry but LOL at dentist story. I have 4 and this sounds very much lkike one of my bad days!!

Competitive good behaviour is by far the most successful thing - although frustratingly it requires at least one child to be behaving really lovely!!!

glad I'm not the only one, PotPourri. On such occasions, the best thing one can do is to retain one's own dignity. I calmly cleaned up the poo, and reprimanded them one by one. Then I sat them on the floor, told them (in a quiet voice but with too many nosy onlookers)how ashamed I was of them and that I was leaving now. If any child wanted to apologise to the other patients (and the dentist) and follow me quietly, I would consider taking them home with me.

Next appts due soon, considering a new dentist!

longstory great dentists story
Oddly when I only took two ( have 6) to the dentist - bad toddler behaviour and an ill timed waiting room poo with no spare nappy has made the prospect of the next visit - horrendous!

This thread was much needed!
I have 3 DD. 10, 8 and 2. My eldest is such hard work at the moment. She shouts back at us, yelling, refuses to go to bed etc. When she is good she is lovely, but i find myself treading on eggshells most of the time. I'm worried about the effect this is having on my other two. I praise good behaviour and mostly carry through punishments. We live in a small house and the elder two share bedroom. when she loses it it affects the whole household.

I just dont feel its a happy home now.

What do I do when she just wont do whats asked? I give her choices.. you know... you can choose to go to bed now as i have asked or if you dont you wont go to so and sos.

its your choice. I dont say she is bad but her behaviour is etc

Help!

I think I might have a similar thought, but not necessarily about the youngest one. (Undoubtedly the youngest - 9yo - does get treated slightly differently to the others, but I think I try to treat them all as individuals and react to each's particular issue. not sure if that makes sense.)

I think, reading this, that I might be a bit more relaxed with the oldest (13). Not really consciously though.

She gets away with minor teenage stuff that I wouldn't put up with from the younger ones...like having to be called twice (or three times) to the table at mealtimes. I just accept it as teenage behaviour and I think am glad that that's the worst of it!

But, now I'm thinking it doesn't set a very good example to the younger ones. Though the eldest does have loads of extra responsibility - has to more round the house, more table laying etc...

oh my, i just realised for the thousandth time (this month) that I'm not a perfect mum...

also, the more DCs you have, the more time you spend telling yelling reprimanding them for their own good and that of those around them. Maybe we all try to spend less time doing so, so in fact DCs in bigger familes get proportionally less telling off than those in smaller families, although we spend more time with a hoarse voice!!!

I have exactly the same problem, the bad behaviour trickles down and although they are all well behaved at school, at home they know that I'm busy with one or other and that is when the bad behaviour occurs. I don't hit and try not to shout, but I find if I ask nicely they ignore and ignore -eg asked them seven times to put pyjamas on, sent them to their room five minutes later their pyjamas were not on still.

Having put their pyjamas in their hands they still didn't go on. One raised voice later the pyjamas went on and they went to brush their teeth.

I find its such a fight to get them to do things - they don't just get dressed and brush their teeth I have to micro manage them and with four that can be really hard.

Any tips appreciated

You have to be prepared to play bad policeman most of the time and don't worry about everyone hating you at some point most days. Bottom line is the inmates don't get to run the asylum.

I think chores are essential.

I guess my general parenting approach is to not ignore bad behaviour anyway, but to tackle it head on (I do like a bit of confrontation). I've never quite seen the point of ignoring rather than tackling a problem, whether you have one child or many.

And having several children (I've only got 4 but often look after niece and nephew and other children) can make it easier. Everyone sees you clamping down on the worst child's behaviour and that can encourage all the others to be extra angelic in comparison.

or that's how it can work, mine are close in age though, and so are niece and nephew in similar age range, so it's perhaps easier.

actually I only have 3 children, not sure why I said I had 4 there.

Maybe it seems like more sometimes?

I think I rather 'made an example' of DD1 over the years... (not that she didn't need some correction)