Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Larger families

Find out all about large family cars, holidays and more right here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What makes total strangers ask.....

40 replies

emy72 · 27/05/2010 08:26

......."are you going to have n.5?"

I never got this when I had 2 children or 3 - so I don't understand why every single stranger I meet feels free to ask such a personal question.

I would never dream of asking someone who I have just met and who has a newborn baby..."is this is it? ready for another yet?" (They might not have the money/have been sterilised/had a traumatic birth etc...why would they have to explain this to me?)

I feel this is exceptionally rude and a little sarcastic at the best of times.

Anyone else had this and felt irritated by it? Any good retorts?

)))))

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

4madboys · 31/05/2010 16:20

oh god this drives me MAD. i have four boys, hence my name! and i am now 14wks preg with baby no 5. because we want another child, regardless of the sex and the comments on how we must be desperate for a girl etc.

umm no, healthy baby is just fine thankyou!

also people do seem to be negative about boys, i get lots of 'poor you' comments and oh what a handful etc and lots of 'i couldnt cope with four boys' like they are awful uncontrollable beasts or something

when actually i have four gorgeous boys and on the whole they are lovley and well behaved, of course they have their moments like all children do, but i would never be without them, i love my little gang of boys [girls]

i think we are going to keep the sex a suprise and find out at birth, i may faint with shock if its a girl, but either way i really dont care! and yet people find that impossible to believe, they think we MUST be desperate for a girl and i have even had people ask if we tried to influence the sex of the baby! umm no!

oh and yes we DO have a tv

chipmonkey · 31/05/2010 16:30

A TV? What's that then?

4madboys · 31/05/2010 16:42

um not sure why it says girls up there in brackets, it should be blame it on preg brain!

Chrysanthamum · 31/05/2010 20:09

Yes I've 3 adorable boys and used to get really miffed when pg as eveyone assumed I was desperate for a girl. I also work in a school for pupils with physical disabilities so I used to always say- working here really does change your priorities i'm just hoping for a healthy one- which I got. I also have friends of my age (just turned 40) who are trying for babies or a few still hoping to meet the right man so I consider myself v lucky indeed. People comment a bit less now but I've heard mums of 2 ds saying at toddler groups oh I'd have another one if i could guarantee a girl or a mum of 2 girls saying the same about a boy. All kids are delightful and a handful. I'd love to have had the opportunity to have a little girl but my boys are so lovable and so much fun that I try to let people's comments go over my head.

hmc · 31/05/2010 23:58

I stand by what I said - I very definitely think you should get a life. "Are you going to have number 5" is a pretty innocuous question, and I am sure that most people mean absolutely no offence by it - so why then, do you insist upon taking offence?

It sounds like you think the world is out to get you, and that every comment is a rebarbative comment rather than an opening conversational gambit. I think that it is nice when strangers try to connect, and sometimes they unwittingly might make a daft remark, but it is daft rather than pernicious.

If strangers were asking this question whilst looking at you appraisingly in a judgemental way then you would very definitely have a point, but you don't mention anything like that in your OP.

It's a shame if we get to the point that we are so busy walking on eggshells trying to avoid offending the oversensitive that we retreat into ourselves saying nothing to nobody!

rachaelsara · 01/06/2010 00:08

People are always asking me if we were trying for a boy, and yes, in front of the girls! How rude to suggest they're second best, consolation prizes, a disappointment! I, like all of you, wanted a big family. I didn't know how many until I had dd4 and realised I couldn't cope with any more children, not girls or boys, just children.

Sometimes (if the girls aren't there) and people say stuff like "have you got a tv now?" I say, "we've always had a tv, but we really love sex!" that shuts them up!

hmc · 01/06/2010 00:11

Scenario: Stranger wishes to offer support to mum at end of her tether who is standing in middle of shopping centre looking desperate whilst tantrumming child is emitting banshee wails, stranger thinks in head:

I'll smile knowingly at her and say "Kids, who'd have 'em" - Hang on, no I can't say that; she might have fertility issues and has taken 6 years of IVF to have this child, she will think I am a child hater!....

I know, I know...I'll say "Mine used to do that - it will pass" - No, can't say that, she will think I am patronising her with my greater experience....ummmm...

I could just say something completely unrelated to show solidarity, something like... "Nice day we are having, isn't it?" - No, no - can't do that, she'll think I am being ironic, or she'll point out she isn't having a nice day due to tantrumming child, or perhaps it will hit a raw nerve because she is going through a divorce. Sod it - forget it...now where is Costa Coffee.....

Shall we cut each other a bit of slack?

duchesse · 01/06/2010 00:31

My friend went to town with her 5 the other day and a terribly posh woman stopped her and counted "1, 2, 3, 4, 5- now that's a lot of school fees to pay!" to which my friend replied brightly "I was rather hoping the State would do that!". Cue confused posh woman.

Everybody's telling me I should have another to keep this 4th one company. Since it took me 6 years to get her, I'd be extremely surprised if I did end up pregnant again. I like the fact that people feel that they have a small stake in my life (as long as they're not rude)- what is society if not everybody having a stake in everyone else's life?

sweetkitty · 01/06/2010 08:40

I have it the opposite way round in that almost everyone has been going on about how happy DH must be now he has a boy.

Apparently everyone felt so sorry for him having the utter misfortune of having 3 beautiful, healthly daughters. I suppose it's the same for all of you will the misfortune of having 3 or more boys

I guess I am a bit sensitive to it all as I was the first born and my brother the messiah child being a prized boy. I grew up thinking I was the mistake before the real child and never want any of the girls to feel second best.

A cousin recently said to me "only the good ones can have girls AND boys!" WTF does that mean??

sweetkitty · 01/06/2010 08:41

Oh and have also been asked if we are having another one to have a brother for DS as it's such a shame he has 3 older sisters and no brothers!

juuule · 01/06/2010 09:07

Good posts by hmc who has a very good perspective on this.

4andnotout · 01/06/2010 09:18

I have 4 dd's and get the all the trying for a boy remarks too, we will be trying for dc5 but obviously don't care what sex we have.

Sil has 4 boys so we do even it all up

hangonasec · 01/06/2010 09:59

Hmc I do take your point, most strangers making comments do mean well, and for the most part are only trying to strike conversation.

As I said before, the only time it really irks me is when they talk about the gender issue, particularly when you get the impression that certain 'wonder mums' at toddler groups are saying it to be a little bit irritating ) I am proud and protective of my boys so when people refer to them as a disappointment it does annoy me, even if they are only trying to strike up conversation!!

I think also sometimes we react by how we would do things ourselves, in that I am happy to strike up conversations in toddler groups but would never ask people that I don't know if they are having any more, or if they want a child of a particular gender as personally I think that's a bit of a nosey thing to ask someone you don't know, but that's just me, I only ask personal questions to people I know well. Perhaps for some they wouldn't mind being asked so therefore don't mind asking others? Some mums seem happy to share all sorts! Gosh I'm tired, no idea of any of that made sense!!

hmc · 01/06/2010 16:34

I am however sorry for telling emy72 to 'get a life' since that is a bit inflammatory - it is just that I feel strongly that friendly overtures from strangers however inept should be received in the manner they are intended.

When there is note of censure or judgement however like the mums at toddlers that hangonasec is referring to, then that is really 'off'.

sweetkitty · 01/06/2010 20:42

I would never think of asking anyone "if they were trying for a boy/girl?" "are the finished?" "did they want a boy/girl?" "they must be so happy now they have their boy/girl?" "their poor DH/themselves" it's very personal and you don't know a persons history i.e. they could have had a mc/stillbirth/fertility issues.

That's just me, I think I am in the minority though as many people think it is perfectly fine to ask such personal questions.

Flip

1 2