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is 3dc's unbalanced is 4the better dynamic?
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steph1512 · 18/04/2010 21:08

Opinions wanted.

Ive just had our third dc...and loving it. although i am concerned about the no.3!

Is all the comments i recieve true?

There is always one left out..you need to have 2 or4!

middle child syndrome..is there such thing?

I would hate any of my children to feel left out or feel a negative effect of being from being one of3.

I would love to have four but unfortunately just dont think it is an option fro us money and space wise etc..altho do find myself thinking sometimes..there prob could be a way..not quite convinced i can face the fact that this will be my last

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sweetkitty · 18/04/2010 21:15

When I was pregnant with no 3 I said never again (bad SPD) and that we were finished.

Then DD3 came along and was an utter joy and she just made us want another

For me DD1 and 2 are 18 months apart and then there is a gap of 2 1/2 years between DD2 and 3 and I felt that DD3 didn't have someone the way the other two did.

Three does seem a bit odd but more in terms of DD3 being left out, DD2 is a law unto herself and probably had middle child syndrome before she was a middle child, in fact she loves being the middle sister and has to always sit in the middle.

Oh no 4 is due in 2 weeks!!!

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steph1512 · 18/04/2010 21:23

I was the same when preg..said never again!

But now he is here im just overwhelmed with how much im loving it..only wk three thou so things can change..but this was suppose to be the last time but i cant help thinking that if we won the lottery2mo i wouldnt have a second thought about having a fourth so would i regret nto having one purely because of finances. is early days thou.

my 2dds were farily close 21mths apart then with my third my first ds there was exactly24mth gap..i also worry he could end up the odd one out as girls already have a strong bond.

if we had another i seems like that would balance that..althou if we did i would prob prefer a similar gap again so they are all fairly close.

whats the gap this time round for you.
how did people react to you going for 4?

i know someone in my village that has four the biggest age gap being22mth and she says its fab alot better than 3 as they pair off

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sweetkitty · 18/04/2010 21:42

There will be about 21 months between DD3 and DS (yes am still in shock fully expected DD4). I deliberately wound down BFing so I could get my period back and TTC no 4 as I didn't want a huge gap.

DD2 goes to school this year which just leaves DD3 in the house and I didn't want to get bored lol

People have been in the most very positive about no 4, we don't have any family support which makes it harder, in fact MIL died the month before I got pregnant which was but has made us financially more secure.

Have been a bit about all the "trying for a boy" comments and all the reactions once we found out it was a boy, we never expected or wanted a boy.

I am most definitely never getting pregnant again, this pregnancy has been by far the hardest and I am so ready to have him now.

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steph1512 · 18/04/2010 21:51

I bet you are ready now..i ofund third preg hard with two young ones around.

We didnt know what we were having this time round and were too sooo shocked to say the least when he made his appearance..think i prob thought we wud have another girls and feel awful saying it now..but we both admitted to each other that we actually quite wanted another girls! wouldnt chnage him for the world now thou..but do get what your saying re comments.

everyone keeps saying how pleased we must be that we had a boy and not another girls and my dh must be over the moon etc etc

And constantly throu my preg people assumed that the biggest reason for having another was for a boy!?!

sorry to hear about your mil. we also dont really have any family support either dispite my mil living in same village she never has the children.

If you dont mind me asking what your living space like will children be sharing or have own rooms etc.

ps good luck with everything bet you cant wait for ds to arrive now.

this tues my 2nd dd starts pre school just a tues am and my elsdest dd does 5am so means ill get a morning to myself with ds which will be nice.

my eldest starts school in spet cant believe it how quickly its all going

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steph1512 · 18/04/2010 21:57

ps excuse my typing errors typing with ds on my chest!!

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hellymelly · 18/04/2010 22:03

I think 4 is better than three which is why I have two,as I was too old to be able to fit in 4.

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sweetkitty · 19/04/2010 08:26

steph - we are crazy as we are planning an extension this year as well. We really do need it either that we will have to move as we are so cramped in this house. There is just no storage.

DD1 and 2 currently share a room with bunks and DD3 has a tiny box room. Am hoping they will allow us to build the extension, it would give us another double and two single bedrooms so in theory we would have 5 bedrooms, also a playroom downstairs and a bigger kitchen. Our current kitchen is very small and it's quite difficult having no cupboard space.

And of course we now have the 7 seater minibus as well.

I think if you feel someone is missing they probably are. Go for it.

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sarahbuff · 19/04/2010 09:35

Its funny you say that, sweetkitty, I have three boys 4,3, and 2 and the last 6 months I keep looking around thinking someone was missing, but counting three little heads. I had planned to wait until this fall to get pregs with a fourth (and probably last), but found out I was pregs in March! =) I really agree that when you have three, even though mine are all close together, the older two often play together and my youngest is a little left out sometimes. I think that this fourth one will really complete our family (and hubby is talking about having the snip after anyway). I found in my family, as the third child of four, that my older brother and sister hung out together and my younger brother and I always hung out together. It worked really well, and I am so thankful to have been able to conceive and give birth to such beautiful healthy children. If you really want four, finances come and go, but children are for life.

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sweetkitty · 19/04/2010 09:59

sarah - mine will be 5.10y, 4.4y, 1.10y when the baby is born so slightly longer gaps than yours. I know what you mean about them pairing off and it was one of the reasons we decided to have a fourth.

It will be crazy and it will be hard, hard work but it will be worth it (I think)!

Both DP and I are one of only two, his sister was 5 years older than him and my brother is 3 years younger but we didn't really get on. I think it's another one of the reasons we wanted four children, I love the idea of a big gang.

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4andnotout · 19/04/2010 10:03

My four have definately paired off. Dd's 1&2 share a room and dd's 3&4 share the other, they do all play together but there seems to be an exceptionally strong bond between the 2 pairs iyswim? Especially with dd3 and dd4 but there is only 13 months between them so I think it's because they are at the same developmental stage roughly. We are planning on ttc again later this year so I hope we don't end up with an odd one out!

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sweetkitty · 19/04/2010 10:12

4andnotout - you know you will need to have a sixth

I wonder if it will make any difference with no 4 being a boy but then again DD2 is a total tomboy

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4andnotout · 19/04/2010 10:19

I think 5 may be my limit! Although I did say that about number 3

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sarahbuff · 19/04/2010 10:20

It's interesting to me that so many people I know who are one of two siblings never much got on with the other. I like a big family, even if it means sharing parent-child time, it somehow works out that everyone is closer and less selfish because they know how to share time and possessions.... The little ones are hard work, but they get easier all the time, and I can hardly wait to have three big handsome teenage sons who are taller than me!! I do hope my last is a girl, but it doesn't really matter.

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Nymphadora · 19/04/2010 10:21

I would like 4 for the same reasons as some people have here. I don't want dc3 to be the odd one out as my other two are much older. DC3 is also likely to be spoilt rotten by dd1/2 so would like to be able to spread that out a bit too.

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sweetkitty · 19/04/2010 10:47

My third is the boss of the house or thinks she is, she is worse than the older two put together who do spoil her rotten and give her everything she wants.

I do wonder how she will get on sharing me with a baby.

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BessieBoots · 19/04/2010 10:54

I am the middle of 3 and am the left out one- brother and sis had similar interests etc- but I wouldn't change it for the world. I had a great childhood and want 3 DCs myself

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Playingatmotherhood · 19/04/2010 11:02

I don't have 3 kids (yet ) but I am one of three.

I can honestly say it never felt imbalanced and I don't really understand that arguement, why do families have to be balanced? A child will be left out of what exactly if you don't have even numbers?

We are 3 individual people, with different talents, tastes and personalities and our number within the family makes no difference, there has never been a middle child issue. I do get it if there is a particularly large gap between DC2 and 3 (because DC3 will be a bit like an only child) but otherwise I think its a lovely dynamic. FWIW I am the eldest, my DB is 2 1/2 yrs younger and my DS is nearly 6 yrs younger. We were all really close as kids and are still very close as adults. If anything I am closer to my younger sis than brother, although I think that is just that my sis and I are at similar phases in our lives whilst my brother still thinks he's a student. The "middle child syndrome" is surely caused by a parent/s making the child feel this way as there is no logical reason why a child would be less special because they are not first or last born. Every child in a family is special because they are unique.

Oh and my DH is one of 2 and had very little to do with his sister once they became teenagers and still doesn't see her very often now. I think it goes to show that sibling relationships has nothing to do with the number of children and much more to do with their relationships with each other and your parenting.

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NellyTheElephant · 19/04/2010 23:04

So happy to read your message playingatmotherhood. I have 3 DCs who have all recently had birthdays - 5, 3 and 1 (two DDs and baby DS). I know we won't have any more and have had a few people comment about the 3 child thing and one being left out etc and at the back of my mind it has been niggling even though it did seem a bit of an odd concept. Currently DDs play together a lot (being 5 and 3 they can both walk, run play games etc whereas at the moment DS is so little and can't really join in). But DD1 adores him and spends hours making him giggle and keeping him happy and watching him for me. DD2 is the same, she and DS spend loads of time together giggling or doing silly things e.g she'll build him towers or train tracks for him to destroy like godzilla (his favouite pasttime) or splashing each other in the bath or playing peekabo and she always insists on singing him lullabies at bedtime! He has just started toddling and the more he is able to move the more he becomes part of their world - I assume that once he starts talking this will increase further.

So I don't know how it will play out long term but I can't help feeling that they will all be a unit - sure there will be shifting allegences and arguments but I hope that they will all love each other and have time for each other in their own ways. I certainly love having 3 of the little monsters at the moment and definitely don't want another.

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steph1512 · 20/04/2010 14:07

Playingatmotherhood its good to hear that being one of three was a good thing instead of being told the opposite.

sweetkitty also good to know that its not completely unrealistic to think of a fourth if space is an option..we have two double rooms and i smaller room but not tiny..could at a push fit bunks but like you stay storage would become a problem.

We live in a semi in a village which we would not want to move from good location and school etc. But it has been previously extented downstairs so we have a big kitchen and a double garage which we paln do convert into playrm/2nd living room at some point. also our nieghbours have extented above their garage and they to have 5beds now we would love to do this to..but wouldnt be able to afford to anytime soon. But would be nice to think that evven if we stop at 3by the time they reach teenage years we will ahve done extention and they will have their own rooms.

know what you mean bout finances come and go..children are for live that what makes me think if i decide i would def like 4and dont because of money i might regret it forever..bit would rahter have the same age gap again to avoid one being alot younger so would be a strain financally i think.

Time will tell and once my third is on the move maybe ill change my mind anyway

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hattyyellow · 26/04/2010 21:21

Really interested to hear all the replies. We have 3 dc and I think a lot about a fourth. This is particulary because DD1&2 are twins and DD3 is still too little to really join in their games (16 months). I've given myself until the summer to try to not think about it and see if she is involved more once she hits the 18 month mark and can do more than just break their games.

But it does feel more balanced, 4 rather than 3. I suppose it depends on other factors though. I'm one of five (although the youngest is a lot younger so was really an only child in many ways). Out of the oldest four of us I was the only girl so my two oldest brothers played together and sometimes included the brother below me who desperately wanted to play with the big boys and not me , the sissy girl!

If I could bypass pregnancy and the first year I'd have another like a shot! I just really struggle with the tiredness..interested to see what you decide to do OP!

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Loopymumsy · 04/05/2010 14:50

Message withdrawn

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mumutd · 04/05/2010 21:49

I am a middle child and so is my husband and we both have the middle child syndrome . We have 4 children now, but our 4th was a surprise . We thought we had finished when our 3rd came along and I told myself that my 2nd child would never suffer from the middle child syndrome so I went out of my way to make sure he felt just as special as his brother and sister.

Anyway, fate gave us our beautiful 4th baby and now we do have 4 I think it is better. My older 2 are close in age and my 3rd and 4th are close in age too, so now it has evened itself out. My older 2 have lots in common and my younger 2 do.

(sorry for the waffle, hope I've made sense ).

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TooPragmatic · 04/05/2010 22:00

I think it will partly depend on the personalities of the children but in my experience, 3 DC is always a bit uneven somehow. Most families I know with 3 have one child who is something of an 'outsider'. I think 4 DC is perfect!

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